Learn to Survive
by S.Pilchova
Summary: Claudia Rester helps out during episode Carry On, Hawkeye and later is permanently stationed at the 4077. She's a great surgeon and fits in nicely. But she also keeps many secrets. Hawkeye could never resist a mysterious woman and gets very close to her. Claudia insists they should only be friends (due to a heart-breaking reason). Why? Some chapters rated M.
1. 4077, Meet the Flu!

**If you recognize it, it is not mine. **

**This is intended to be a rather long story, so enjoy and review, please.**

"Pierce, come here. We need to close this patient." There was an unmistakable flavor of urgency in Major Houllihan's voice as she stood bent over the mutilated body on the table.

She knew he'd come as soon as he could, she just worried if it would be soon enough. With all the other doctors down with the flu, everybody was working on more important tasks than they otherwise would. The atmosphere was very tense in the operating room. Wounded were arriving faster than a teenage boy during his first time. The traffic was enormous, many times during the last few hours, people had to send patients back right after they got on the table, because there was no pulse. Every now and then Margaret looked over to Pierce's table, seeing the sweat on his forehead and his glassy eyes showing increasing signs of tiredness.

"Margaret, this boy would prefer if I didn't just leave yet." Hawkeye's voice was shaky. His fever was too high as it was and he felt like it was still climbing higher. The assisting nurse no longer waited to be asked to swipe his forehead, she just did it every time she had a free moment between handing him the instruments.

"Hawkeye, I am sorry, but we need you here, too." That voice belong to Father Mulcahy. He was helping Nurse Kellye in dealing with a bad belly wound. The soldier looked so young he wouldn't get a drink back in the States to deal with what he'd seen in Korea. That is if he made it, which was still difficult to say.

"Don't panic, kids, another doctor is here." Klinger said, surprising everybody. Today he was wearing a turban and long heart earrings that dangled from his earlobes.

"What? I thought Radar didn't find anyone. But we needed him here yesterday or a year ago. Coming to help you, Hotlips." Hawkeye moved very slowly, without his usual energy. He even had difficulties getting his hands into gloves. He was in sucha bad state, the Major ignored what he called her.

"Actually, it is a HER. She's scrubbing up as we speak." Klinger shouted over his shoulder as he ran away. Bigelow came with a tray of refreshments in the meantime. Glasses with orange juice and some suspiciously looking sandwiches were sitting on the tray looking almost like food.

"A female doctor? My, my. You will have to wait to hear my hilarious comments about this after I am better. I feel like my brain is trying to sabotage my staying awake." Hawkeye slowly drank the juice Bigelow was holding next to his chapped lips. His throat was burning and each movement he made cost him immense effort.

"We can very well do without your lewd remarks, doctor." Margaret objected as the door from the scrub room flung open. A figure all dressed in white appeared.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am here in all my glory, where do you need me?" A woman's voice with a little bit of an accent cut through the air filled with the smell of blood and disinfectant. For a moment all turned their heads towards the door to see the new doctor.

"Pick a table and see what's on the menu, my dear lady. Afterwards you will be needed in my bed, though." Hawkeye might have felt awful, but he couldn't miss this opportunity. He turned his attention back to a perforated intestine right after that.

"You are lucky I know you are really sick. Gloves, nurse!" She said without missing a beat. "Or you would be very sorry, mister. Gimme a clamp, please. This will only take a second." And with that she put her hand into the chest cavity.

Margaret watched the new doctor carefully. She knew Hawkeye would ask her anyway, and she needed to know what they were dealing with. Why would any doctor come here and help them? Was she any good in MASH setting? Hawkeye noticed her watching of the new doctor and nodded a little. Not only did he care about every single patient that came here, he was still the Chief surgeon.

"What is your name, doctor? People call me Hawkeye or if they are female the Best One They Ever Had."

"Major Claudia Rester. Nice to meet you. I would shake your hand, but currently I am shaking this man's lung. Looks like he decided to hide half a junkyard in his chest. Good thing this is my specialty. How are you doing, doctor?" Her hands quickly alternated between getting an instrument, using it and handing it back to the nurse.

"Good. I will be closing soon." The clamp Hawkeye was handing back to the nurse fell on the floor with loud clinking sound. He sighed. A lot of eyes darted in his direction.

"Great to know, but that's not what I meant. How do you feel?"

"Like I could replace the heater in Post-Op. Like I could sleep for a millennia if I as much as think about how tired I am. Like someone has replaced my tonsils with burning rocks. Other than that, amazing. Ok, close for me, please."

"Who is the head nurse in here?" Claudia asked, her sight still turned to the open chest in front of her.

"I am. Major Houllihan, Major."

"Check on Hawkeye, will you?"

"I am fine." Hawkeye objected, obviously annoyed.

"Don't take no for an answer. Ok, close up. I can take another one." Claudia shouted, tossing dirty gloves into a bin. "Move it, corporal, I've got all day, but patients are getting worse. Gloves, nurse, thank you. What do we have here? Look at that spleen." Very briefly her eyes landed on the corporal. "Wow, nice earrings, soldier."

"Thank you, ma'am." Klinger's face was beaming with pride as he walked away again. When he passed where Hawkeye stood, the doctor almost fell into his hands.

"Pierce?" The worry in Margaret's voice really showed this time.

"It is okay, Margaret, my head is spinning a little bit. I just need to drink something."

"How long have you been in the OR?" Claudia enquired.

"About 36 hours." It was Father Mulcahy who answered, while struggling to hold three instruments at once for nurse Kellye.

"Major, get him out of here. Take his temp, make him drink and eat something. Then report back here."

"Right away." Margaret said.

"I am the Chief Surgeon here. And when I say I am fine, I'm fine." Hawkeye protested loudly.

"Doctor, you did it. All we have left are a few guys who can wait, nothing too complicated. We can handle that. You need to rest or the next time your head spins, you will fall into a patient. Major, appoint someone to take care of him. He needs to get some sleep. I don't want to see him operating for quite some time." Claudia's determined tone left no room for arguing.

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

"Margaret, you blond goddess, it is so good to see you without the haze of a fever." Hawkeye was still in Post-Op, but had his sight on leaving to the Swamp anytime now.

"That is completely out of line, Captain." Frank was bubbling with anger.

"Go operate on yourself, Frank."

Without a word, Frank walked away. Margaret was barely hearing those two with all the work that needed to be done. She slipped the thermometer between Hawkeye's lips that curled up into a smile. He winked at her.

"Save your energy, Captain. You'll need it to get healthy."

"I am fine, Margaret."

"That is the same thing you said to Major Rester when you were about to faint. So excuse me, if I don't believe you."

"Where is that unforgettable woman, anyway? I thought she'd be my personal doctor." Hawkeye was looking around intently.

"She is in Tokyo. Left right after we had enough doctors healthy. HQ wanted her to see a specialist as soon as it was possible."

"Why? What was wrong with her? Because I would argue she was perfect."

"It happened during the last long stretch of wounded. There was so many wounded we did not have enough room outside for them. They were laying on the ground everywhere from one side of the camp to another. She was operating on a soldier when suddenly there was no pulse. She opened up his chest to start an open heart massage, but no one was around to hand her a rib spreader. She didn't know where we keep them. But she went ahead nonetheless."

"How?"

"I wasn't there at the time. I wish I was. From what I heard she had both hands in his chest, pumping with one, the other trying to make room. Few seconds after the soldier's heart started to beat on his own, she passed out over his body. I later found out her hand was impaled on a rib."

"God…" Hawkeye's own heart skipped a few beats during that story. He felt really sorry he didn't get a chance to know Claudia better. That kind of dedication was very rare - and beautiful.

"The soldier survived. Actually I think he was moved to the 121st yesterday."

"And how is she?"

"Her hand hurt like hell, especially when she was operating."

"She carried on operating with a wound like that?"

"For a while, she had to. Until she got a fever. We didn't know if it was an infection from the wound, or if it was just the flu or something worse. Thankfully by that time Major Burns and Colonel Blake were healthy enough to operate."

"Well… I am thankful that Henry could operate." Hawkeye said deep in thought.


	2. Another OR session

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**In this chapter, Claudia comes back and is stationed permanently in the 4077****th****. This happens while the camp is still adapting to a new commander and Hawkeye deals with being pronounced dead.**

A jeep with three passengers drove wildly into the camp and stopped in front of the Pre-Op. The driver was a red-haired corporal who immediately jumped out to help the others. In the back of the jeep there was a soldier shouting in pain. Claudia tried desperately to stop the bleeding from soldier's belly wound and comfort him. That was all she could do now with the medical supplies at her disposal. Everything she could have done, she already did.

"Corporal, get a board, please. Tell them to prepare in the OR. I will need two units of B negative."

Claudia had to keep her hand pushing on the wound during the whole way to the Pre-Op. Once there, Nurse Kellye replaced her, so she could go scrub up. The scrub room was eerily quiet with no one else there. Claudia started whistling to herself…

"Welcome back, ma'am. I put your luggage into the VIP tent." Radar told her as she was meticulously washing her hands.

"Thank you, Radar. What happened while I was gone?" Claudia answered while drying her hands. A nurse she never met before was tying her mask.

"There were some personnel changes. Trapper and Colonel Blake are out, we have BJ and Colonel Potter now."

"Thank you for your help, Nurse. And what happened to Trap and Henry?" She remembered everyone she met during her short stay last year. It may not have been for long, but she took care of many who contracted flu then and became very close to some. So she felt comfortable to use nicknames and first names for many of them. It was a crazy circus back then. Colonel Blake was walking away at least twice an hour to wonder aimlessly in the compound, dressed in his shabby striped gown. His legs were barely able to support him as he was stumbling around in circles until someone finally got him. Trapper was always trying to persuade someone to help him to get back to work, even though he wasn't in better shape than Henry. Frank still had a really high temperature - now for seven days and wasn't aware of anything that was going on. He laid with a wet towel on his forehead, shivering and pale.

"Trapper was stationed States-side. And Colonel Blake was discharged before…" Radar was looking for the right words he really did not want to say. It was still shocking what happened. "… He was killed on the way home." Tears were always trying to find a way into his eyes every time he talked about his former CO.

"I am so sorry, Radar. I know how close you were. I wish I could hug you, but I have to go in and operate. We will talk later, okay?" After reassurance they indeed would talk, she walked into the OR.

"What are you doing, this is my patient. I already started operating in the jeep." Hawkeye was startled when he heard such a loud noise. He turned around to see Claudia ready to use a scalpel - hopefully only on the patient. He was told someone new might arrive, but it was pushed aside by thoughts of his poor father mourning him. War brings a lot of unnecessary suffering, but his dad's torment was just pointless.

Of course he recognized her immediately. He would never forget how grateful he was when she showed up to help him during the flu outbreak.

"He was seriously injured, he couldn't really wait much longer." Hawkeye defended himself stepping in, even though he thought he shouldn't need to.

"I know that, that is why we took him to OR and not the mess tent. But I put some temporary stitching that needs to be dealt with first. He almost bled out before we made it here. I had to improvise. Step aside and let me deal with this, doctor."

"I am the Chief Surgeon, you know?" Hawkeye protested, even though what she was saying was making a lot of sense. He just couldn't think clearly right now.

"Congratulations! I will buy you a drink later. Now either get out or deal with his leg wound. How is the patient holding up, nurse?"

"90/60."Nurse Kellye answered while Hawkeye walked to the legs of the patient. The wound was bad, but he would be able to save the leg. However this soldier will not be dancing for a while.

"More wounded coming." Radar's voice sounded throughout the building. In a minute they could hear the official announcement with the same meaning. The OR started to fill up with wounded bodies and tired medical personnel.

"Hello, everybody. Long time no see." Claudia said after a while. That earned her a few short answers. Somehow the OR seemed unusually quiet. I mean, it wasn't really. Doctors were asking for instruments, nurses were telling the doctors what pulse and blood pressure they measured and so on. But no one really talked about anything other than shop. It was very different to her first experience here. "Sorry, Colonel, that I didn't salute when I met you, but I think saluting with a spleen in my hand is in bad taste."

"That's alright, Major. Welcome here, we are glad to have you here with us. And with the amount of wounded we expect, trust me, we are very glad indeed." Potter spoke slowly, concentrating very hard on a bowel with more holes than a sieve.

"Thank you. Glad to be here. Although I am very sorry you need me so much." Claudia said sadly.

"Oh, don't tell me you are another one of those peace-loving hippies who don't support our brave boys fighting against the horrible red threat." Frank suddenly led the discussion into a different place entirely.

"Major, if you bothered to ask the brave boys, they would be the first to tell you peace is better than war. Also you left a sponge in your patient." Claudia was never one to tread lightly. And accidently she noticed a white sponge clamped in the insides on the next table.

"What?" Frank was baffled, looking around the exposed area.

"Right next to the liver, where the clamp is." Claudia stated.

"Ferret Face, stop hiding sponges in your patients and do some surgery for a change." Hawkeye finally spoke after a long silence.

"You cannot speak like that to a superior officer!" Major Houllihan said loudly.

"But we can speak like that to people with lower rank?" Claudia asked surprising everyone. Usually these kinds of comments were Hawkeye's job. But he just silently kept picking up pieces of shrapnel from a young boy's stomach.

"Major, act like an officer, I beg of you." Major Houllihan more screamed than said this. It was still hard to hear over the choppers arriving.

"Sounds like we have another triage to attend. Anyone free?" Colonel Potter asked, not wasting time.

"I am almost finished, just need to close. Nurse, handle it, please." Claudia threw her gloves away and stepped outside.

* * *

That particular OR session was a little over 26 hours long. Most of the wounded were Marines, and they looked so much younger than they should be. Claudia sat down in the scrub room, exhausted. Even taking off the blood soaked cloth seemed like too much trouble. She sighed loudly while someone sat next to her.

"Hey, princess, you come here often?" Hawkeye's voice sounded pleasant, but tired as well.

"Only when I want to get no sleep whatsoever. What about you? How are you holding up, doctor?"

"Please, call me Hawkeye. Everyone here does."

"Oh yeah, I forgot." She admitted. "Okay, so… Hawkeye, how are you doing?" Claudia gave him a little smile.

"I am fine. Tired, of course and desperately trying to call home. But otherwise I am better than I should be according to bureaucracy."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am dead according to HQ. And because of Eisenhower's visit, I cannot get through to my dad. Wait. What were you talking about?"

"Well, I heard about Henry. And also Trapper left for States. You two were inseparable even while you were suffering from the flu. It must have been hard for you. And now - this. How did it happen anyway? Were you injured or something?" Her half-opened eyes looked at him.

"No. Someone switched my name with that of a deceased man. My family got a notification, while his goes on not knowing." His desperate sadness touched her. She stood up, finally decided to get washed up and go to sleep. They all should do that. Who knows when the next batch of wounded will come.

"That's horrible, Hawkeye. I'm so sorry." She put her hand on his shoulder and whispered it will be okay. She didn't mean to whisper, but her voice failed her. She should drink something or she will be dehydrated. It had been a long day.

"Thank you." He bent down, put his head in his aching hands and breathed a few deep breaths. Claudia didn't want to leave him like that.

"Hawkeye, you need to get some rest. Let's get cleaned up and go to bed." She said it before she realized how that sounded.

"Oh, really, Major?" Hawkeye looked up at her with a flirty smile.

"You into yours and I will go to mine. If I have one, have not seen my tent yet."

"If you don't, you are always welcomed in the Swamp. I am known for my hospitability."

"Hospitability? I heard people describe it with a different word. Come on, Hawkeye. Let's rest while we can."

"Okay, you win. I am standing up and washing my hands. But only for you!"

"I appreciate that. Good night, Hawkeye."

"Goodnight, princess. But you do owe me a drink, don't forget that!"

"What? When did I say that?"

"When I said I was the Chief Surgeon. Don't you dare deny it!"

"Oh, yeah. Okay. After you get some rest." And with a goodbye on her lips she was gone. Hawkeye for a moment just stared at the door. She was an interesting person. A very dedicated surgeon, one of the best probably. But he was still surprised how easily she blended in the place of meatball surgery and blood and guts and sweat. Back during the flu epidemic, he didn't have time to think about it, but she didn't seem to react to wartime conditions like everyone else. Hell, BJ has been here for weeks and still got squeamish in the OR. The state of the bodies they tried so desperately to put back together was sometimes so bad even veterans like Potter got a lump in the throat. But Claudia just got on with the job like she didn't even noticed. Where did she learn medicine like that? Even with the best surgeons there was a period of adjustment, when they learned the kinks of meatball surgery. But she just came and operated like she had been there from the beginning, passing sarcastic comments left and right while dealing with the most horrific injuries. How was that possible?


	3. The (Still) Late Captain

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

_I just slept for ten hours straight. Wow! _Claudia thought to herself. _It has been a while since I got through a night without a nightmare. Well, there is first time for everything. _She was standing in the shower with reasonably hot water was pouring over her. _This feels heavenly. It is unfortunate I have to spoil this day by walking into the mess tent after that. What did Igor said it would be today? Meatloaf? I don't even remember._

"Good morning, Major." Nurse Able walked into the shower tent wearing light yellow robe and with her hair piled up on the top of her head. "How are you?" Hanging the robe on a rusty nail, she quickly got in the other stall. When the water started pouring over her, she gave a satisfied little sigh.

"I am fine. And call me Claudia, please. We share the same shower, the same lice…It is silly to call me otherwise than by my first name." She said while drying herself off with a rough army towel. Her dark red hair were even darker when red, so she looked almost like a brunette. Her light blue eyes were a little redish, because she clumsily got some shampoo in them, but she was nonetheless undeniable attractive.

"Okay. I guess it is a matter of habit. Major Houllihan is more of a stickler for the rules."

"Oh, I noticed that!" Claudia laughed, getting out of the stall and reaching for her blue robe. "Thankfully not everyone is like the other Majors, right?" She gave her colleague a smile.

"Isn't that the truth…" Able laughed, too. "You know, we will have a Girls' Night in the nurses' tent, we might even make fudge. You would be most welcomed. We will start around eight."

"Thanks, I would love that! Anyway, I have to go see what they try to pass for breakfast this morning. Bye for now." And with that Claudia walked out of the tent.

On the way to her tent she saw Klinger arguing with Hawkeye.

"I tried everything, sir, but all communication channels have been stopped." Klinger was talking fast, trying to get Hawkeye to understand.

"Stupid Eisenhower! Who does he think he is?" Hawkeye didn't really sound mad, more like desperate.

"I guess he thinks he can do that, being the president and all. Good morning, ma'am." Klinger said as he noticed Claudia near them, glad someone might help him to get rid of Hawkeye. He loved the man and would do anything for him. But right now, there was nothing more that could be done.

"Good morning, gentlemen. Hawkeye, care to join me for something like a breakfast?"

"I have to find a way to contact my dad. Klinger here and I…" Hawkeye stopped for a moment to figure out what they could actually try that Klinger has not tried before. Claudia took advantage of that pause.

"Hawkeye, I am sorry for this mess. But making Klinger miserable will not help anyone. Come to the mess tent with me. If anything changes, Klinger will get you, isn't that right, Klinger?"

"Yes, ma'am." Klinger said, gleefully thinking he might get a moment of calm.

"See, let's go." She took Hawkeye around the shoulders and gently turned him towards the mess tent. He didn't say a word during their short walk there. He just silently put one foot ahead the other, his eyes locked with the ground the whole time.

The so-called food didn't cheer him up, but Claudia didn't expect it to. She hoped he would open up a little. She remembered how chatty he was during her previous stay and he was incredible sick then.

"So, where are you from?" She asked him.

"Crabapple Cove, Maine. The prettiest little town under the American sky. Green trees and weed, blue lakes and lobsters everywhere. Here everything is just brownish and all the animals ran away except for Radar's zoo." They picked up some food and went to sit down while he was reminiscing. "It is a magical place, let me tell you."

She liked the sound of his voice. Right now he was so taken with telling her about his hometown that he didn't even looked sad. His eyes had the sparkle they usually had. She wondered what it must be like to have a real home to come to. A loving dad that can spend time with you, in a small town where you know your neighbors and you don't need to be afraid of what you say to them.

"And the Spring Lobster Festival, you know is the most… Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am, Hawkeye. I just thought about how close you are to your family and to your neighbors and so on…Anyway, continue. The Lobster Festival, right?"

"You are not close to your family?"

"I don't have any other family except my father. And we couldn't spend much time together recently." She hoped he wouldn't asked anything else. She never really talked to anybody about this. And she didn't even know if she was allowed to.

"Good morning, sir and ma'am." Klinger showed up in a white and blue dress with shoulder pads.

"Good morning, Klinger. What are you doing? Another mail call?" Claudia asked.

"Yes, can you believe it? Here is something for you, Ma'am. Oh, and another one. I am sorry, Captain Pierce. Nothing for you."

"I know, Klinger. My mail is being stopped at HQ. The dead don't read no mail."

Claudia shot a pained look his way, but he just shrugged. Yes it would be nice to get a letter, but his father would still be in agony, mourning him in vain. Suddenly a hand softly touched his.

"Hawkeye, it will be alright. You know, you can write to your father like a big long letter. It won't get to him fast enough, but it will show him how much you were thinking of him and it will give you something to do." She had amazingly soft hands and very tender touch. He felt embarrassed how long it took him to react to what she said, but he was so overwhelmed by her little gesture. The last couple of days were odd. It weirdly took a lot of energy out of him to be dead.

"Maybe you're right. It is not like I will eat any more of this surplus poison." With that Hawkeye got up and left.

Claudia sighed. She wanted to make him feel better, even if just for a moment, but felt like she failed.


	4. Korea To Crabapple Cove

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**Hawkeye continues to deal with the events of **_**The Late Captain Pierce**_** episode while trying to figure out the new doctor. I had to rewrite this, because I forgot Radar wasn't in this episode since he was on leave.**

It took a few more days and one big batch of wounded, but finally phone lines to the States were operational. Hawkeye couldn't believe it when he heard his dad's voice. And for his dad it was even more surreal. His son was alive. His Hawkeye was okay! Despite repeated reassurances he still couldn't believe it on some level. Tears started flowing down his cheeks. "Hawk, my boy …"

"It is me, dad. I'm alright. The army made a mistake. I'm sorry I wasn't able call sooner. All communications were blocked because of Eisenhower's visit. It was breaking my heart you had to go through this. Dad, please don't cry. It's okay. I needed a new set of clubs anyway."

Hawkeye was so happy. Finally, his father knows the truth. But it was agony listening to him sobbing into the phone. He had quite a few tears ready to go too. This was his dad – the owner of the voice that comforted him all through his childhood, whether it was because of a hurt knee or the death of his beloved mother. His dad was always there for him. The past came crushing down on him all at once when he listened to his dad, a man so kind and gentle, who was always willing to lend a helping hand, crying his heart out from millions of miles away. Stupid war. How much he'd wish to be at home, helping his dad make dinner or something absolutely ordinary. No soldier with their organs peeking out, nothing urgent whatsoever.

He hanged on every little word his dad said. Not that it was important, it was anything but. Just a little chit chat about folks back at home. But he needed the sound of his dad's voice burned into his memory.

"Dad, they are going to cut us off, I just need you to know that I love you. I'm safe and I love you. Take care."

After a few more words from his beloved father, the line went silent. Only then, Hawkeye let the tears fall. His father knows. Nothing else mattered.

"Did you get to talk to your father, sir?" Klinger came into the room, rushing as always.

"Yes, Klinger." Hawkeye brushed away the tears and continued. "And thank you for putting up with me for these past days."

"It is nothing, sir. I like putting up with you." Hawkeye laughed, then thought of something.

"Klinger, did Major Rester's personnel file arrived?"

"Yeah, I think I filed it."

"Can I look at it? It's important." Hawkeye frowned a little bit while looking at the temporary company clerk.

"But, sir! The only ones who can look in there are me and the Colonel."

"Then you look into it. Klinger, please." Hawkeye felt tired as hell.

"What do you even need to know? Just ask her."

"Anything about her for a start. Where did she study? Where did she work afterwards?"

"There's nothing like that, sir."

"What do you mean, nothing?"

"Just date of birth, rank and contact information for the next of kin. Large portions are crossed out, look! Here it says _top secret_. Oh my God, and we are looking at it! I can get into so much trouble."

"Klinger, calm down. You yourself said there's pretty much nothing in there." Hawkeye handed the file back to Klinger. "How is that even possible? Army always has everything in writing about everyone."

"Someone at the HQ determined that it is too sensitive to write in here."

"What does that mean?"

"Hawkeye, I don't know, really. Why do you care so much about Major Rester?"


	5. Lost

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**Set during episode **_**The Bus**_**. All the male doctors are away on a conference and on the way back they get lost. During the night, while getting hungry, tired and crazy with one hell of a hangover, Hawkeye's thoughts are wandering.**

**Claudia is the doctor in charge at 4077, but still finds the time to talk over fudge with the nurses, which makes Major Houllihan feel even more left out.**

What's worse than having the hangover of the century? Having the hangover of the century while hunger and thirst does a number on you as well. Hawkeye sat in the window seat, silently looking outside into the blackest kind of dark he has ever seen. Who knows what or who waits for them out there? There was nothing of any use on the bus. Frank was still babbling away into the walkie-talkie, being annoying as always and Potter and BJ were discussing how long it was since Radar stepped out. Hawkeye heard nothing other than their voices.

He tried to distract himself by thinking about anything else but their situation. Lost in Korea. He felt lost most of the time here, but now he was also literally lost. No one will know where to start looking for them and who knows when they will even think about doing so. As much as despised being in 4077th, he would very much preferred being there right now. Even eating in the mess tent some World War II surplus spam and drink some hardly drinkable coffee. How are things at the 4077th now? They left just one doctor behind in case HQ predictions were wrong and they got wounded.

His thoughts turned to Claudia. She helped him a lot during his brief death a few months back. He tried to have fun at his funeral party and he sort of did, but she saw through his vain attempts at forgetting about how screwed up the situation he was in was. It was like her stare reached deep into his soul. She would make a great psychiatrist – someone like Sidney. She had the same talent for reaching out to a person, making them confess their most intimate thoughts and feelings and somehow not get crazy during the process of hearing the most horrible tales of war. Patients opened up to her all the time as did the permanent residents of the 4077th. She always knew what to say.

But while she coaxed a lot of details out of everybody else, she shared very little. He still knew virtually nothing about her, which bothered him greatly. What he knew, he liked. She was a kind person, brilliant surgeon and also very tough if she needed to be. She didn't take no nonsense from anyone. But who was Major Rester outside the army and operating room?

Just take the meeting about this conference. He would have expected her to want to go – not only to get away from the war and into civilization, but also to learn about new medical procedures. Yet, she volunteered to stay behind. Everyone was surprised by this, even Potter, but he fulfilled her wish and left her in charge instead of Frank who was nominated by everybody else. Why didn't she want to go? She was a talented surgeon and very driven one as well. She had to be to make it to Major. It was not easy to make it to the position for a man let alone a woman. Hawkeye heard the stories.

The conference was a total loss of time, they did not learn anything they could implement at a MASH unit. Still, she could not have known that when she volunteered to stay. They did have the greatest culinary experience of their lives though, or maybe it was just that after months of army food anything else tasted heavenly. And they drank so much, the way home was pure torture. Every time the bus jumped a bit, a sharp pain ran through Hawkeye's skull and his stomach did a somersault.

Before they got lost, he longed for her presence. The Colonel, BJ and Radar were compensating for Frank's annoying presence, that was not the problem, but he always reveled in company of women. Probably because it has been just him and his dad for a long time. And Claudia was great company. But now he was glad she stayed at the 4077. She was safe. Well, relatively safe, in comparison to them.

* * *

"Finally some free time, I was beginning to worry the fudge would turn bad before we had the chance to try it." Kellye was preparing cups for everyone invited. Each cup was different in size and color, some were even a little beat. Everybody else sat on the lower beds. "Will Claudia come? I know she is the only doctor here, but she cannot work nonstop."

"I ran into her after I did my laundry. She said she'd be here if we won't get any new cases." Bigelow said and continued. "Today was rough, huh? I felt so sorry for her. You can see how much losing a patient affects her."

"She is like Hawkeye in that regard." Baker offered. "Exactly. Speaking of which, they've been spending a lot of time together, did you notice?"

"Yeah, but I never even seen them hold hands. You know – many of you firsthand – how Hawkeye is when he's dating someone. He can barely keep his hands off you long enough to operate on someone." Kelly said.

"That's true. Oh, how I miss his touch…" Bigelow dreamed.

"Just his touch?" Kellye laughed.

"Hey!" Bigelow threw a dirty t-shit at Kellye.

Suddenly the doors to the tent opened and Claudia come in, holding a bottle in her hands. Her red hair were in a ponytail and she was wearing a plain black t-shirt and her army trousers. "Hello, ladies. Hope I'm not too late. Look what I brought. Wine. And I mean real wine, not what Swamp guys try to pass for wine around here."

The nurses shot each other a knowing look. Well, Claudia has been spending a lot of time in the Swamp indeed.

"Bigelow, want to be the bartender? Give everyone a taste!" Claudia handed Bigelow the bottle and sit down on a chair in the middle of the tent.

"Thank you, Major, so much. God knows we all need it today."

"Tell me about it." Claudia said with a sad expression on her face.

"So here we go! Girls' night, ladies!" Kellye shouted, desperately trying to change the subject. Unfortunately it was right at that moment that Major Houllihan was passing their tent and got alarmed at so much noise.

"Nurses, what is this fuss about?" Major Houllihan demanded to know, standing there as always in her uniform. Automatic _Sorry Major_'s flew through the air.

"We apologize, Major." Claudia stood up while speaking. "We're just trying to blow off some blues after a hard day."

"Can I see you outside, Major?" Major Houllihan said angrily, opening the door. She waited for Major Rester to step outside and close the door behind her before speaking. "I do not appreciate you trying to undercut my authority in front of the nurses."

"Major, let your hair down a little. You should relax sometimes too, you know. In fact, I recommend it. We are so often surrounded by death and you are forgetting to live. The war will be here tomorrow."

"Don't try to pin this on me. You behaved inappropriately and I hope it will not happen again. If you ask me, you are spending too much time with the Captains."

"This conversation is over, Major. Good night." Claudia stepped back into nurses' quarters and slammed the door.

"What did the Major want, Major?"

"Incidentally, nothing major. Don't worry. Let's get to the wine. What were you talking about?"

"About you and Hawkeye." Bigelow seemed already a bit tipsy, when she was pouring the wine into cups, but now it was worse.

"What about me and Hawkeye?" Claudia asked, apparently very confused.

"Are you together?" Kellye smiled and winked at Bigelow. If they are going to talk about, let's do it thoroughly.

"Why would you ask that? We are just friends."

"You have been spending a lot of time with him. And he even stopped chasing after all the nurses since you arrived." Baker explained their reasoning.

"He's just been frustrated about not being able to tell his dad he's alive then. He doesn't pay me any more attention that to any other woman who passes through this camp." Claudia looked around to see all the nurses had their eyes on her.

"Actually, Claudia, he's not paid much attention to anyone else for a while." Bigelow said and took another long sip from her cup.

"Is that right?" Claudia wondered.

* * *

"Weren't they supposed to be here by now?" Claudia asked Klinger after he announced there would be wounded. She was sitting at Colonel Potter's desk, working on a ton of paperwork.

"Yes, ma'am. Yesterday sometime in the afternoon."

"So where are they?" Claudia said, thinking about how she should proceed.

"I checked that they had left when they were supposed to, ma'am." Klinger said. "HQ said they will be here any second."

"Let's hope so." She put her head in her hands and took a deep breath. There is nothing certain in a war.


	6. Some Found, Some Lost

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**In this chapter, we get the first glimpse into Claudia's past. But it leads to more questions than it answers.**

„Klinger, how are we doing?" Claudia was elbow-deep in a private's chest, hunting a shrapnel fragment that was very good at playing hide-and-seek.

"This guy is the last one you said that couldn't wait. All we have left are some burns and cuts, but nothing life-threatening."

"Oh, here you are, my nemesis, the evasive shrapnel. I am done here. Nurse? Close up for me." Just as Claudia stopped speaking, Klinger barged in.

"Ma'am, more wounded in the compound!" He proclaimed loudly.

"Oh, come on! I only have two hands. I should have been born an octopus." Claudia discarded the used gloves. "Major Houllihan, check all the patients in Pre-Op if they can wait longer. Pump some blood in them if you need to. We need them stabilized."

"Will do." Major Houllihan marched out of the room.

Claudia took a deep breath of the cold Korean air and looked around the camp. She saw two jeeps with one sounded soldier in each. The first one had a nasty fractured leg, but otherwise was physically okay. The second one was in shock and had a number of smaller injuries consistent with rough hand-to-hand engagement, but with all taken into account, his life was not in danger.

There was some commotion in the camp all of the sudden. It took a while for her to see what the reason was. An army bus with the horn going off was driving into the compound. She ran over to the spot where Radar parked and waited for everyone to come out. Claudia sighed in relief. They were okay.

"Hello, gorgeous." Hawkeye looked tired, but still had a shining smile on. "Did you miss me?" He gently pulled her into his arms and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. Right then she caught the look Bigelow was giving her as she rushed to help with the prisoner.

Claudia wiggled out of Hawkeye's arms. "Are you all okay?" Hawkeye gave her an odd look, but didn't say anything so she decided to ignore it.

"It had been really scary and we're starving, but we managed to escape relatively unscathed. We have even gotten involved in the taking prisoners business."

"Well, then get some food into you and put your tap shoes on. We have got a lot of wounds that need to be taken care of. Nothing too serious, but still there'll be some surgery required." Claudia picked up something from the dusty ground. It was an army green hat with a red star on it. She stared at it for a moment, not moving a muscle.

"Are you okay, dear?" It was Colonel Potter's voice that ripped her out of her thoughts.

"Y-yeah." She stuttered absent-mindedly. Then she felt Potter's hand on her shoulder.

"Go get some rest. We can take care of a few cosmetic surgeries…"

* * *

Claudia tried to get some rest as Potter suggested, but sleep avoided her. There was just too much on her mind. It's amazing how many painful memories can be awaken by one little red star. She opened a little wooden box covered with ornaments that sat at her table. She picked up a little photograph out of it and looked at it lovingly. For a while, she just sat there fighting tears.

Finally she gave up on sleep and made her way to Post-Op. She arrived just in time. The official interview of the North Korean just ended, but the interpreter was still there. She slowly walked over to him.

"Good evening, I'm Major Rester. I wondered if I could speak to the prisoner shortly. Would you please translate for me?"

"I am Guan Kuon, ma'am. Of course." He extended a hand and after a firm handshake they both sat down onto the bed next to the POW's one.

"First ask him if he's comfortable or if he needs anything. Oh, and I found something I believe is his." She laid the hat on a small table next to the bed.

"He says he doesn't need anything, but he thanks you."

"What is his name?"

"Pjong Wan."

"I want to ask Mr. Wan if he's seen this man." Claudia handed Mr. Wan a photograph, rather hesitantly like she did not want to let go.

"He's sorry, ma'am. He hadn't seen him."

"How about the name Novak? Does it ring a bell?"

Claudia thought she saw a glimpse of recognition in Mr. Wan's eyes. Maybe it was just a wishful thinking. It seemed the soldier's answer in Korean was longer this time, though.

"Well, ma'am. There's a story going around. About a guy from Europe with a name that could match Novak. But… he was shot for attempting desertion about a year ago. I am sorry, that is all he knows."

Claudia felt like something hit her hard. She swallowed slowly, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. After a long sigh, she gathered herself and thanked them for their time. She rushed out to try to get to her tent as soon as possible. She did not want anyone to see her cry. Thankfully the camp was rather empty with everyone working or trying to catch some sleep.

* * *

"People, if I can interrupt your morning portion of nausea today." Potter commanded the attention of everyone in the room. "Major Rester, if you can come here, please." Claudia was obviously as surprised as everyone when he called her name. She rose and walked over to the Colonel while he continued. "This is for you, Major, from your father." He handed her a small box and saw her face get confused even more.

"Are these his colonel rank pins? I don't understand, sir. "

"These are your rank pins from now on! Congratulations." He gave her a nice salute and everybody clustered around to shake her hands. All the eyes were on her as she bolted for the door and just like that, she was gone. For a second, there was silence. Hawkeye broke it, seeing she left her new pins behind. "I'll redeliver the package, I always wanted to be a postman."

He wondered what made her react like this. She did not like the war, that was painfully obvious, but she had to volunteer to get tickets to this show. Or didn't she? He never heard of female doctor in a war. But army meant something to her, he could tell. She wasn't crazy into it as Major Burns and Houllihan, but she knew how things were done in the green tuxedo theater. And she was a great surgeon and definitely proud to be one.

He got a little nervous right before he knocked on her tent's door. He really didn't know what to expect. In the end he did not knock and just entered. She seemed to be avoiding him lately and he did not want to give her a chance to refuse to see him.

"I have something for you. Me, but you also left this."

She sat at her table, looking at something very intensely. As he entered, she slammed the wooden box shut and looked at him, startled. Her blue eyes were full of tears and her mascara ran down her cheeks. The scene really touched him deeply. She looked broken.

"Claudia, what happened?" Hawkeye walked towards her and put the box on the table. He wished she'd start talking because _what happened_ was all he had.

"You should have knocked." She avoided eye contact as she tried to remove mascara smudges from her face.

"Would you let me in if I did? Why are you avoiding me?"

"You are just imagining that." Claudia got rid of the smudges and now was drying her tears, but they just kept coming. Hawkeye sat on her bed, watching her closely.

"Come sit with me, gorgeous. I promise I'll behave if you talk."

Claudia sat next to him holding the box with her new rank pins in her hands, but did not start talking. She just took a few deep breaths, then looked him in the eye. "Did you read the inscription? It's verbatim from the promotion letter."

"No. I just grabbed it and brought it over." He took the box from her and opened it. "_To Claudia Rester, for extraordinary conduct in the line of duty of defending the United States_. What is wrong with that? It is a bit weird for a doctor, but it sounds nice."

"That's just it. I don't think it is for my doctoring skills."

"There's more to this, isn't it? What are you not saying to me?"


	7. Here For You

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**In this chapter Hawkeye and Claudia share a few emotional moments.**

Hawkeye was frustrated by Claudia's secrecy. She helped him so much, he wanted to do the same for her. He wanted to prove to her he can help her.

"Claudia, please, don't push me away. You're hurting. It will help to talk about it. Remember when I got that letter from my dad's neighbor and you caught me crying? You did not let me hide away from my feelings then and I won't let you do it this time."

_Claudia was pretty beat after her shift in Post-Op. "Damn it, I could use a drink." She thought to herself and changed her direction to the Swamp. She opened the door and silently slipped into the tent. The only one present was Hawkeye, sitting on his bunk reading a letter. His body was bent forward, shaking a bit. He was facing away from her, his raven hair sticking in all directions around his face._

"_Care to share some of your burning acid? Where are the other Swamp rats this lovely evening?_

_When he didn't turn around even then, she walked closer to him with worrying look. "Hawkeye?" She sank into the chair next to his cot. "Is the letter from your dad? Has something happened?" She brushed his hair out of his face. She just wanted to look him in the eye when they talked, but she could see he was crying. She put her left hand around his shoulders and tugged a little so he would lean against her. He still didn't look at her and she didn't want to force him. With his head laid on her shoulder she ran fingers of her right hand through his hair._

"_Sssh…whatever it is, I am here. Just tell me." She could hear him trying to suppress his sobs._

"_Hawkeye, cry if you want to, just don't shut me out." She felt his chest expand as he took a large breath._

"_Claudia…" He started, but soon became hesitant. "This is from Mr. Riverdale who lives next to our family house. He wrote it shortly after dad told him I was still among the living."_

"_So? Was he mean or what?"_

"_No, at least not intentionally. It just hit too close to home. Or right into my home, so to speak and set it on fire." His voice was strained, still full of pain. She could barely hear him, he spoke so quietly._

"_Tell me, Hawkeye."_

"_Why don't I read it. _Dear Benjamin, it has been a week since I learned of your death. Did not really expect any happy news to come after that bombshell. So imagine my surprise when I talked to your dad today! I have to admit I thought he lost his marbles when he told me you are okay and it was just an administration error. I remember seeing him the day after he got the telegram about your death. I never saw anyone so miserable and I own a funeral home for Christ's sake! I hope you know what you mean to him and are taking care of yourself. PS. I still don't believe you are alive. I guess I won't believe it until I see you safely here in our little heaven. I pray this won't be send back with a KIA stamp on it. Yours Joe Riverdale._ " Hawkeye stopped reading and finally raised his eyes up to meet hers. She smiled at him._

"_Hawkeye, let's focus on the important things. Your dad knows you're fine. Your dad is fine. The situation got resolved and you even got a party out of it."_

"_I just keep thinking about everything that could have happened. You know, my dad could have had a heart attack while mourning me when I was, in fact, alive and here at that party. And then I would have had one over here after they informed me of his death. This stupid war…"_

"_I know, Hawkeye. It is stupid. But you're alright."_

"_You are very alright too, Major."_

"_Well, if you are well enough to flirt, you are well enough to accompany me to the officers club so I can teach you a step or two."_

He smiled, thinking of the memory. "Well, now it is my turn to get you to talk."

"You remember when I first got here, right? During the flu outbreak?"

"Of course, I do. How could I ever forget! I was the only surgeon capable of standing on my feet and then – bang! You arrived in all your gorgeousness. With piercing blue eyes, red hair and temperament to match. Steady with a scalpel, quick with words."

"Yeah." She said absent-mindedly and continued, not even taking in his compliments. "On my way back, we got into trouble. Me and the driver, Private Eric Sandsman. About a mile after the first checkpoint we blew a tire. I mean it just disintegrated while we were driving. It had to be faulty or something. Anyway, we almost hit a tree."

Hawkeye was sitting there motionless, listening to her. His kind blue eyes fixated on her face as she told the story. She was looking at her hands folded in her lap. It was clear to Hawkeye this will not be a happy story.

"After he changed the tire, we heard some noise coming from the North. Before we knew it, we were surrounded by four North Korean soldiers. It happened so quickly, we didn't have a chance to do anything. Eric, he tried to go for his gun, even though there were four of them and two of us. They had beaten him within the inch of his life. They hit me in the face with the barrel of a shotgun, so everything was little hazy. But I remember every moment of it. They stood around him in a circle, kicking him and punching him again and again. I could hear him shouting in pain. And I mean real agony, like when you operate on someone without anasthesia."

She paused for a moment, his eyes darting across the room, looking everywhere except in Hawkeye's direction. Tears were running down her cheeks, taking with them the remnants of mascara. Her dark crimson lips were pressed together in a thin line. He didn't remember ever seeing her without her without make-up. But now the tears were steadily washing it all away.

"My head was spinning so hard, I couldn't even stand up. I just laid there while they were hurting him. They knew they knocked me out pretty good, so they ignored me. Eric somehow got to his knees and grabbed one soldier's grenade. The bang was louder than anything else I ever heard. Even when we were being shelled, nothing was ever so loud. It must have set off some ammunition the soldiers had on them, because there were a few secondary bangs, but only little ones. I crawled over towards them. Then I saw it. Eric's legs were blown off. Both of them, right below the knees, blown right off. He was unconscious or dead, I didn't know. The soldiers looked dead, but I had to check, so I crawled over to every one of them and checked if they had a pulse. The first three didn't, but when I got near the last one, he tossed me to the ground and started strangling me. I grabbed the only thing within my reach, a small stone and hit him in the head. And then again and again. When I stopped I could see the grey matter, I mean…I didn't even make a conscious decision to kill him, I just automatically did. Isn't that awful? Right after that, when I looked at him, I didn't feel anything. Nothing, Hawkeye… Absolutely nothing."

"Oh, I don't believe that! You are feeling now. A lot by the looks of it. Every person deals with traumatic experiences differently. I wouldn't worry if your reaction was a little delayed." He spoke very softly, almost whispering into her ear. Suddenly he noticed how close she was sitting to him. Gently taking her hands into his, he continued. "You didn't do anything wrong, Claudia."

"I know. It's just… Eric survived. He sacrificed himself for saving me, he lost his legs. And they awarded me for DEFENSE of the United States, remember? As a doctor, I got promoted for killing the enemy and not for saving his life. That's disgusting."

"I am sure saving him played an important part as well." He said, caressing her hands with his. Relieved she didn't pushed him away, he put one of his hands around her shoulders.

"I wish I could believe that. I don't even know how I drove us to the next checkpoint. I was concussed so badly, the next thing I know, I am in a hospital in Tokyo. I never saw Eric again. I never got to thank him."

"It breaks my heart to think about what you've been through, Claudia." He was holding her tight in his arms, still seeing tears rolling down her cheeks. He couldn't help but to inhale the scent of her hair, with her hair in his face like that.

"Hawkeye…" He loved how she said his name, well nickname. There was something odd about the way she said it. But he loved it nonetheless. "You have been through hell, too."

"At least, we are in this hell together." His face lit up with a smile and then he planted a light kiss into her hair. He felt her body tense up against him. With a question in her eyes she turned her head towards him and used her hand to keep him at arm's distance.

"What is going on? We barely see each other since I got back from the conference. When was the last time you visited us in the Swamp?"

"We're used to see each other a lot, huh?"

"It is a really small camp. People here are like sardines in a dirty can full off dysentery, rats and depressing news."

"Is that all? I thought we were friends."

"What do you mean? Did I do something wrong?"

"No. I mean, is that all you want us to be?" Claudia stared so intently into his eyes, his heart almost stopped. "Hawkeye, I know your reputation. Yet, I haven't seen with a nurse since I arrived. And now you complain we don't spend enough time together?"

"I never really thought about it."

"Then don't start thinking about it now. I don't need this kind of trouble."

"Who says it'd be trouble?"

"Oh, come on! You're not looking for anything serious and I'm not going to be just another one in the line of your lovers."

"Hey! Maybe I helped a lot of women out of their uniforms, but they all meant something to me. I care very deeply about each and every one of them."


	8. Let's Celebrate While We Can

**If you recognize it, it is not mine. Review if you can, I am losing motivation.**

**Claudia is forced to come clean to Colonel Potter about one of her secrets right after the celebration of his anniversary (Dear Mildred). The 4077 is visited by kids from Nurse Cratty's orphanage (The Kids).**

There weren't many reasons to celebrate during a war, so 4077 mashers usually tried to find the minutest apologies for having a party. But this time it was big. Colonel Potter's anniversary felt important, mainly due to the importance he himself prescribed it. Wartime was not an ideal time for love always and forever, but somehow, the Colonel seemed to be in love with his wife probably as much as when he married her. You could see it in his eyes when he talked about her. Also you could always notice how much he talked about her. It amazed Hawkeye to see the Colonel so much in love even though he was married for a year short of forever. And with all those years spent away from each other.

He did not understand a lot about the man. A doctor in the army? Volunteering to repair bodies to be sent into battle to destroy other bodies. Taking an oath to protect life and at the same time swearing to defend your country by being a cog in a killing machine. Potter was a good man, capable surgeon and great leader. Still, Hawkeye felt sometimes uneasy near him. Maybe it was just the memory of Henry hanging around. A lot has changed in a short period of time. Trapper left, Henry left even more and BJ, Potter and Claudia arrived instead.

He found himself thinking about the conversation with Claudia. Was he feeling something towards her? I mean sure, she was attractive, kind and a welcomed distraction from this hell. But did he want more than friendship? And how much more exactly? He asked Nurse Charlie to go watch valves go up and down in generator shed with him hoping they would engage in other activities as well. But his advances felt flat and even if Radar hadn't interrupted, he had to admit he was not feeling particularly flirty lately. To some extent he kept the comments coming to maintain his reputation. If he'd stop all the flirting and lewd remarks, questions would come. And he did not have any answers.

They had been spending a lot of time together, but just talking. They never shared a passionate kiss or passionate look or passionate anything. And he never made an obvious pass at her. He made a joke about them getting together now and then or whipped out a metaphor or two for something he wanted to do with her, but never in a serious setting. _You're not looking for anything serious and I'm not going to be just another one in the line of your lovers_. Her words were echoing in his head. No one has ever rejected him so directly. Even though he never really offered anything, he felt hurt by the rejection.

On the way to the Swamp they bumped into the one he was thinking about so intensely.

"What is all this noise about?" She inquired curiously.

"We are going to celebrate Colonel Potter's wedding anniversary. Come join us in the Officers' Club. Or better yet, help us improvise a gift, so we are not embarrassed by Radar's perfection." BJ explained.

"Radar's perfection? Isn't he too short for perfection?" Claudia was obviously in a good mood. It brought a smile to Hawkeye's lips. "What did he do?"

"He gave our ex-cavalry leader the ultimate gift of them all. A horse! And we have nothing because we did not know about the anniversary." Hawkeye complained pretty loudly.

"Oh, I've got something good for the Colonel." Claudia got a little smile on.

"Can we get on that together? We will be very grateful, oh my angel." Hawkeye promised.

"How grateful, boys?" Claudia's eyes sparkled a bit.

"How grateful do you want me to be, stranger?" Hawkeye winked and then took a few steps towards Claudia until he stood right next to her.

BJ shot them both an odd look, and when Claudia noticed, she told them they could owe her one favor. "Give me a minute and I'll be there with a gift and a song on my lips."

"I will be there with a song on YOUR lips, darling." Hawkeye whispered to her.

"You wish, doctor." Claudia whispered back, looking him right in the eye.

* * *

Claudia was surprised the Officers' Club was still standing when the party was over. With all the dancing and other movements that you could not even call that, some of them on the tables and the bar, they almost woke the war up. Claudia and all the nurses scored at least one dance with the Colonel, with Hawkeye trying to get all the women to dance mainly with him.

Hawkeye couldn't remember how many time Claudia refused a dance with him, saying she is too tired. She danced just once with the Colonel and then spent most of the time sitting at the bar talking to him. She looked sad rather than tired. Maybe he was just imagining it.

He finally persuaded her to enlighten him with one little dance at the end of the night. The only other ones left in the bar at this moment were BJ and Potter. Even if it was the last song, he was determined to enjoy this dance.

Normally when he danced with the nurses, he hold them with one hand around their waist, the other holding their hand, and with his cheek pressed on theirs. But since Claudia was so hesitant to dance, he used both his hands to hold her close, his lips right next to her right ear.

"You really saved the situation when you marched in here with your 12-year-old scotch, angel." He whispered while holding her so close they could feel each other breathing.

"Don't get used to it, Captain." Her hostile tone shocked him.

"Claudia, if I did something to offend you, I am sorry." He pulled away a little, looking straight at her.

"No, no. It's nothing." She pressed herself against his body again and threw her hands around his neck. "We're okay." Running her fingers in his dark hair, she sighed loudly.

His hands slid a little lower to her waist, encouraged by her words. It was nice having her in his hands like this, feeling the curves of her body and smelling her perfume. For a moment he was able to forget all the horrors he has seen and ignore those that await him. He wished this one song could last forever, but of course it didn't.

After the last note, he grudgingly let her out of his embrace. For a few seconds he laid his hands on her shoulders to stop her from leaving right away. Claudia looked up.

"So, this is the end tonight. We promised the bartender to cut it out." She reminded him.

"It doesn't have to be the end. Let's continue someplace else." Hawkeye raised his eyebrow suggestively and conjured up a lovely smile. For a moment they just stood there, looking at each other.

"Good night, Hawkeye." She broke the silence, when she noticed BJ and the Colonel got up.

BJ came over to them and spoke in a soft level voice. "Hey, you two little doves, the Colonel invited us to his tent to drink the rest of his present. I think that kind of offer shouldn't be refused."

Colonel's tent was military, but cozy as well. His big real bed was pretty hard, but ideal for the three guests' behinds. The Colonel found another half a bottle of bourbon that tasted kind of okay after all they had drank beforehand. Then he sat in the only chair and proceeded to tell stories from his life, some happened during the several wars he went through, but some were about his other half. Hawkeye sat between BJ and Claudia, laughing loudly at every joke their CO made. With every passing moment and every other drink, he found himself initiating more and more fleeting touches with Claudia. He sat close to her as it was, and when his head was spinning, he laid his hand on her knee to steady himself. And when Potter got to an especially gripping part of his story he threw arms around BJ's and Claudia's shoulders and squeezed them all together. Claudia and BJ were pretty drunk too, but Hawkeye seemed to lead in that department.

In the end, the party ended by dawn's early light. With Hawkeye singing and BJ trying to tell Hawkeye about the time that he met Peg, the Swamp boys were starting to be too loud even for a warzone. So with his highest rank and seniority to back him up, Colonel Potter decided to call it a night, even though it wasn't night anymore, and sent everyone to their beds. Claudia was saying goodbye to Potter as they both watched the Captains trying to make their way to the Swamp. They must have been seeing triple at least at this point. Before walking inside his tent, Hawkeye bumped five times into the door, but he got in with a little help form BJ.

"Well, my colleague colonel, I wish you sweet dreams and very gentle hangover." Colonel Potter said with a little yawn escaping from his lips.

"I am sorry, Colonel, but I need to talk to you. It's important." Claudia really didn't want to have this conversation. She knew it was coming for some time, but somehow, she still wasn't prepared. "I'll be brief." She promised to her tired CO.

"Ok, lay it on me. Is this about your file being emptier than Frank Burns' brain?"

"No. That's not it. Well, you know about the message from HQ, about some medicine being temporarily unavailable to MASH units?" She started, getting right to the point.

"Yes, but it shouldn't impact any patients as far as I know."

"No, it won't impact anyone, except me." Claudia looked at him, drawing a shaky breath. That's that. She said it without actually saying it.

"Except you? What do you mean?" She could see in his eyes he was trying to remember all the medication they will be denied for a while. Then, there was a look of recognition as sadness washed over his face. "I will get Major Houllihan to write you out of the duty roaster. And I want you on bed rest for a few days. Then we'll talk some more."

* * *

Claudia hated being ordered to stay away from all the action. Yes, she knew Colonel Potter was right, but still she was still going crazy with boredom. All her days were filled with lying in bed, which was interrupted only with trips to the mess tent and latrine. She kept her distance from everyone, not wanting to be drawn into any conversation that could result in unwanted questions about her condition. She asked the Colonel to keep her situation quiet, but she did not know what he exactly said to who.

Hawkeye had three night shifts in a row, so she was visiting the mess tent early in the morning when he was sleeping it off. She was really not feeling well, so a little meal as breakfast and a piece of toast as lunch was enough for her. They have not seen each other after the drinking party in Colonel Potter's tent. He had a pretty hands-on approach back then. She was wondering whether it was just the booze. They got really friendly during their dance in the Officers' club. Right before their departure, there was a moment when they just stared in each other's eyes and it felt different somehow. Anyhow, their relationship was in a weird place and she did not want to deal with it. He did not come to inquiry what was with her, so maybe he didn't care. Who knows?

Then, there was the letter she wrote to Hawkeye's dad. She had thought about writing one ever since Hawkeye was mistakenly declared dead, but never actually got to it. It was only a few lines, telling Dr. Pierce his son is okay and thinking of him. She enclosed a photo of Hawkeye, sprawled on his bunk while getting some much deserved sleep. She took it a few months ago with the intention of sending it to Crabapple Cove. She thought a photo of his son looking all innocent and at peace would be perfect for someone who watched Hawkeye grow up. From what Hawkeye had told her, he and his dad were very close.

The next time Claudia saw Hawkeye, he was rushing to the truck that delivered all the orphans to the camp. He propped himself up next to Nurse Kellye, and started taking into his arms child after child, then handing it to someone who stood below on the ground. He looked happy, chatting to people and smiling at the children. At one point Klinger came to talk to him about something, while they both held a child in their arms. Hawkeye was holding a girl, probably about eight or nine or ten years old who had the same raven black hair as he did. She put her arms on Hawkeye's shoulders and watched what was going on around her.

After Klinger went away, he gently put her on the ground and gave the kid a big smile. "Hey, little one. Don't worry, you are safe here. We are a world-renowned resort! Thank you for picking us for your holiday." The girl probably did not understand a word he said, but the soft tone of his voice and his nice demeanor calm her down a bit. Claudia thought a fatherly role suited Hawkeye. Maybe she could take a photo of Hawkeye with some children to send to his dad.


	9. Knowledge is Power

**If you recognize it, it is not mine. Sorry for the wait, this is a really long chapter and it took some time.**

**This chapter mentions episodes Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler; Dear Peggy and Of Moose and Men.**

**Sidney Freedman's talk with Claudia reveals how well they know each other, Hawkeye is trying to squeeze 16 people into a jeep and afterwards insults a revengeful Colonel.**

Claudia stayed on bed rest the whole time Nurse Cratty and the children were at the 4077. Without her medicine she felt weaker and tried to stay out of everybody's way. Wounded arrived few at a time, which was a fact she was grateful for. She honestly didn't know if she would be able to stay out of the operating room if they got a big batch of sick soldiers.

She did manage to catch Nurse Cratty right before she left to give her some money for the orphanage and wave goodbye to them. Standing in the back, behind all the mash personnel sending the last smiles to the kids, she noticed Hawkeye was there. With a hand around Radar, he walked towards the Swamp. Claudia wished the sight of him did not bring up so many feelings in her.

It did not matter anyway, so what's the point? It's not like there was any future possible. Stick to the plan, she told herself. You just came here to operate and save a few lives while passing the time you have left. There's no need to complicate things. She had to tell Colonel Potter the truth, it was only a matter of time, but nobody else needed to know.

Her attitude was challenged when Captain Chandler arrived, claiming to be Jesus Christ. The Majors threw a fit and demanded some action be taken to prevent the patient from being let out of the army. To get an expert opinion and ease the heat Colonel Potter was in, Hawkeye invited a psychiatrist to examine Captain Chandler/Christ. Claudia didn't see the doctor until after he delivered his diagnosis in the CO's office and Colonel Flagg walked away in the haze of crazy. Due to the altercation between her and Flagg in Post-Op, she kept out of this matter as much as she could.

She thought Colonel Potter let her off the hook… He said they'd talk, but the only thing they discussed so far was work. And then, there was a knock on the door of her tent and when she yelled "Come in.", Sidney walked in.

"Hello Claudia, how are you?"

"Oh, Sidney. Such an innocent question from everybody else, but from the lips of a psychiatrist it's a worry. You spoke to Colonel Potter?" She gestured towards the chair and Sidney walked over and sat down.

"He suggested I talked to you, but I would have anyway."

"I am fine, Sid. I don't think I'm Jesus, Mary or anyone like that. I am just plain old me." She got up from her bed and went to look for something in her foot locker.

"That can come with its own drawbacks." She turned around when he spoke, but then immediately turn her attention back to searching for something.

"You bet it does. But this is what I wanted and I'm glad I got the opportunity." Her voice was steady as she pulled the liquor bottle off her foot locker.

"You know how you said you plan on doing your job, keep your head down and not get close to anybody?" Sidney was watching her closely, she could feel his gaze walking to the table and then when she was pouring the bourbon in two cups.

"And you said I underestimate how powerful human connections can be in the face of grave adversity. Yeah, I remember. I often think about our conversations. You were right, I made many friends here." When she finished, she handed him a cup and took a sip from hers.

"And?"

"And what?" Claudia smiled and she swallowed the strong liquor.

"Are you happy?"

"Sidney, I am dying. No amount of friends can change that." Claudia took another sip of bourbon, then looked at the psychiatrist. "Again, I feel like you're searching me for something you're not going to find."

"Don't you think it would be easier if people close to you knew your story?"

"No, I don't." With a little bang her cups landed on the table. "I've made my peace with what awaits me. I am just here to do my job for as long as I can. My father risked everything to get me and my mother to the States. I can't let it all be in vain."

"Claudia, you and your father have saved a lot of lives, both in your own way. And that thing with your brother wasn't your fault." She admired his calm. With everything he was ever told, he never lost his dignified presence. Just him sitting there, silently sipping bourbon, helped her more than anything he could possibly say. In a way she owed him her whole present life. He was the one who determined whether she was fit to serve, even to be let in the country. For a moment, there was silence.

"I know. It's just… That's what really gets me. The total coincidence that determines who lives and who dies. That is what scared me the most in the stories I used to hear when we got back from England. You know, after the Second World War. People standing in a long line, one perishes and another stumbles on. How do you make sense of that?"

"If you are looking for sense, I suggest you talk to Father Mulcahy. I don't deal with certainties. However what I can tell you is that people care about you here. And those people deserve an honest approach." He raised his eyebrows, waiting if she gets what he's talking about.

"I cannot do that. There's too much death and destruction here already."

"You think it will easier for them without any preparation at all? Or is it just easier for you? Think about it. Imagine Hawkeye, for example."

"What? Why him?" Claudia frowned angrily.

"I heard you are close. You know his mother died, when he was little. His dad kept it from him as long as he could. Then one day, instead of going to visit his mom in a hospital, Hawkeye got French toast for breakfast and afterwards the bad news. He didn't speak to his father for a month. Not a word! Our Hawkeye! Can you imagine how he must have felt? He is so primed to express his feelings, to wear his heart on his sleeve. What will happen to him when you go?"

"Sidney, stop it, please. You used to know when not to push someone."

"Alright, I just don't want your last thought to be a regret. Now! Tell me about your fight with Colonel Flagg. Hawkeye said it was sensational!"

Claudia laughed, still feeling uneasy though.

* * *

Hawkeye was sitting in the chair next to his bunk, whistling, when Claudia entered the Swamp.

"Hello, angel." Claudia greeted the dark-haired surgeon.

"Hey! What are you doing here, gorgeous?"

"You did say that all the gropers should report to your tent. And I accidently got a handful of well, you. So I want to apologize…" She rinsed a martini glass with the front of her t-shirt and poured some alcohol in it.

"No apology needed if you continue." He winked at his companion, who was just sitting down on BJ's cot. He knew very well what she was talking about. Claudia was one of the first to get really excited about trying for the record of 16 people in a jeep. She was already squeezed in there when Hawkeye was pushing Lieutenant Gage in. It was on her instigation that people grabbed him and tried to pull him in even though he had to take the picture. He could hear her giggling even over all the other voices.

When they finally all got in and Hawkeye set the timer, he got behind the wheel right in front of Claudia. First she put her hands on his shoulders, but as Hawkeye swung his leg up to get it on the bonnet, he pushed her down a little. She gasped quietly as her hands inadvertently slipped down Hawkeye's body. His body tensed against her, she could feel it, but he didn't say anything. The camera clicked and everybody started cheering. Claudia disappeared as soon as she had a clear path out of the vehicle. After he shook hands with Colonel Hollister, Hawkeye looked around and Claudia was nowhere to be found.

"Don't play with fire, you're going to get burn." Claudia said, looking into his eyes.

"That's sound advice, my children." They were so sucked into their conversation, they didn't notice Father Mulcahy until he was standing right next to them. "Hi, Hawkeye. Oh, Claudia, the only one that got away."

"What do you mean, Father?" Claudia looked up at the priest in confusion.

"I think our good Father refers to your absence during his record-breaking mass." Hawkeye clarified what Father Mulcahy meant.

"Couldn't get away from patients, Claudia? It is okay, God sees everything."

"Didn't want to, Father. Colonel Hollister is an average army moron and I did not want to say anything to him that I would have to pretend to regret later. Anyway, I don't believe in God. I have never been so sure he doesn't exist as I am now. The universe is a cold cruel place. The only meaning present is the one we give to our temporary lives. And we choose to destroy each other with bullets and bombs and antipersonnel mines."

"Wow, your optimism is lighting up the whole of Korea, ma'am." Hawkeye tried to lighten the mood.

"I am sorry, but I have to go to Post-Op. There's a patient I want to check up on." Claudia said, putting down her martini glass next to the still.

Father Mulcahy and Hawkeye exchanged a puzzled look, but she was already gone by then.

"So…" Father Mulcahy started. "I heard we are going to be teaching English or something."

"Yes, Colonel Potter wants to get some of the Koreans working in Post-Op. Honestly, I don't remember when was the last time I taught anyone anything." Hawkeye's thought were still with Claudia. He knew something was happening with her, something he didn't know. Yes, he didn't think much of this Hollister character either, in his eyes Father Mulcahy was million times better, but Claudia's eyes showed something he's never seen in them before.

* * *

"I have to say, your approach has amazing results." Colonel Potter admitted. "In a few days, we can stop focusing on teaching them English and start with the important stuff. You are a God-sent, Claudia."

"Yeah, right. Is that all you wanted, Colonel?" Claudia did not really think it was such a big deal. All she did was actually teach them English, not just have them repeat phrases again and again. She understood how hard it was to learn a new language under stress. So she gave a few patients in the Post-Op pencils and papers and have them draw what she needed to teach the Koreans. In a little while, the pictures of nurses and doctors and other basic words were flooding her desk. The patients were really doing a great job, some were nothing short of works of art. There were also glad to have a purpose and not just being there laying still on their back.

"I also wanted to discuss the duty roaster for next month with you. You start with quite a lot of night shifts, but I wanted to ease up a little on Hawkeye, he had a lot of them when you were on bed rest. Is that okay with you?"

"Of course, it's fine."

"Oh, and I wanted to ask you, do you know Colonel Spiker?"

"Isn't he the one in the Post-Op?" Claudia was seriously perplexed by this question.

"Yeah."

"I don't know anything else about him."

"He bumped heads with Hawkeye and wants to start a disciplinary action against him now…"

"Oh boy, No, sorry I don't know him." Claudia was thinking about Hawkeye. What the hell did he do?

"Okay, thank you. You're dismissed." Colonel Potter said, paying attention to some documents on his table.

As she walked out the Colonel Potter' office, she saw Radar sitting at his desk.

"Radar, I need you to put through a call."

"Of course. Where to?"

"I need you to find that out as well."

* * *

Claudia was standing in front of Colonel Spiker's bed, watching him reading some papers. Suddenly he stopped, looking at her.

"Who are you?" His voice was firm and uninviting.

"A doctor, but I'm here in another capacity. As a human being."

"Let me guess, you're a friend of Captain Pierce." His eyes narrowed and his voice became even angrier. Claudia sat on a bed next to the Colonel's and began to speak quietly.

"Bet your bird I am."

"Speaking of which, maybe start with saluting before you say anything else that's inappropriate."

"Maybe I should introduce myself. I am Colonel Rester. So there'll be no saluting. Also I don't salute hypocrites."

"Colonel or not, you are threading on a very thin ice."

"No, you are! You've got some nerve demanding perfection from a doctor who doesn't even want to be here while covering up the misconduct of a professional soldier just because he is your son." Claudia was careful not to speak too loud. She did not want to press Colonel into any unnecessary action they could avoid.

"How dare you…" He started to shout, but stopped himself.

"No, how dare you! Try to go ahead with the disciplinary action against Captain Pierce and I can guarantee you this will come out."

"Are you trying to blackmail me, Colonel? Because that would be… "

"I'm not trying. I've succeeded. Let it go, Colonel. Continue living your life thanks to Captain Pierce's surgical prowess and if you want to, forget that fact. But don't punish him for not letting you die."

Claudia rose from the bed and immediately left Post-Op.

**Don't want to be a tease, but next chapter will be important and great – so please stay tuned!**


	10. Fever Problems Emerge

**If you recognize it, it is not mine. Some credit goes to everyone behind the book MASH FAQ, the Army Nursing Corps website and Britannica (Hantaviruses).**

**The Mash 4077 deals with patients who contracted hemorrhagic fever, which includes some of their own. The next two chapters were supposed to be one, but I split them in two, so the chapter I teased is coming up next.**

Hawkeye wondered why Potter said the soldier of the month contest will be judged by second in command, Frank Burns. He didn't like people forgetting Claudia like that. But then he remember she was still feeling under the weather. It didn't seem to be anything serious, because she didn't have a fever, but her headaches were sometimes so severe she couldn't stand light. She stayed in her tent nonstop for two days, Radar of Klinger kept bringing her food, but she barely ate anything. He went to visit her a few times, but she was asleep every time he did and he didn't want to wake her. No matter what was wrong, her body needed the rest.

He usually slipped into her tent as silently as he could and after noticing she was sleeping, he got right out. Once he stayed there for about a minute, watching her sleep, until he decided it was too creepy. Her tent was very dark, he could barely make out more than a silhouette and her delicate features. Her breathing seemed shallow and louder than normal. Every few seconds she moaned softly and mumbled something incoherently. She looked so pale and fragile, lying there motionless in just a few rays of light, it made Hawkeye feel sad.

Colonel Potter was right, they were all working around the clock. Throughout the whole Korea the fever epidemic was showing its teeth. The medical staff had little information on the illness and tried to determine what to do on the fly. Father Mulcahy was supposed to investigate in Seoul and Claudia knew some doctors who might be able to help. But on the whole the situation seemed dim. Like Margaret reminded them, they were short on beds already and they were expecting more fever cases.

"I'm for doubling up." Hawkeye said with a lecherous smile, thinking about one woman in particular. For a while now, he was not really paying attention to his surroundings. Only now and then he worked in a joke to be a part of the conversation, but this one was obviously going nowhere. Frank can try to manage all the rats in Korea, but it won't do anything for the patients already sick. Hawkeye hated this. He felt useless, both as a person and a doctor. No antibiotics did any good and there were supposed to be the new miracle cure.

He felt hopelessness that he hadn't felt in a long time, even in horrible place like this, standing next to a patients' beds. Just waiting for their temperature to rise again, seeing the sweat on their foreheads and hearing them moan quietly in pain. This was not why he became a doctor. He became a doctor to be able to alleviate peoples' pain and to help protect lives, not to live like this. Waiting for the announcement that broken bodies were arriving, of young innocent boys, bodies that were torn to pieces by mines, maimed by phosphorous burns or littered with bits of shrapnel. And now this mysterious malady that seemed to be violently attacking the human body on all fronts.

If he thought he was doing nothing, Frank was sabotaging everyone's efforts. The two worst cases with the fever could have already been on their way to 121st hospital. Any delay in their transportation could have been fatal, but dumb Ferret Face ignored the signs of acute renal failure. The only thing that excuse for a doctor cared about was all the saluting that was happening because of the soldier of the month contest.

The only relevant information they received were from Father Mulcahy and it was more like a confirmation of what they already knew. There was no cure, all they could do was treat the symptoms, go easy on fluids and hope for the best. On his way from Father Mulcahy's tent he stopped to see how Claudia was doing, but her tent was empty. Maybe she is feeling better.

* * *

"Hi, Radar. Nurse Able caught me on one of my many trips to the latrine and said you were looking for me. What's up, buttercup?" Claudia slowly walked into Radar's office, looking even paler than before.

"Ma'am, I tried calling the doctor you told me about, you know, Dr. Roskovy? He was very rude and said he refuses to speak to anyone but you. He suggested I was a Russian spy. And I don't even speak Russian!" Radar was obviously very flustered by the accusation. Also he was probably pretty tired from studying history for the quiz.

"Oh yeah, that's Dr. Roskovy. Can you please call him again now?" Claudia sat down at Radar's table as she watched him quickly operate the telephone. She was strangely weak, so she leaned against the table and laid her hands on it. Even in her robe, it was too cold for her. She could feel she was shivering.

"Yes, sir, sorry, ma'am."

It felt like forever waiting for the connection, until finally Radar handed her the phone. Then she kindly asked him for a cup of tea and watched him leave.

"Hello, Ros, how are you? Recognize my voice?"

"Hello. I think I might. If it's you, _Klaudie_."

"How many people call you Ros? Okay, how about this. You remember how we used to walk in Hyde Park back in the day? And you drank coffee, but I refused to, because I hated the taste? I have always stuck to tea." Claudia smiled as Radar handed her a warm cup with dark liquid inside. She took a big gulp and listened to her old friend.

"Ros, I'd like to talk, unfortunately things over here in Korea are not going so well." Claudia always had to pause when she spoke about Korea. She wondered how she ended up in a place like this. How improbable was the road she travelled. "Yeah, in a mash unit. The best one, 4077th. That's us. However, right now we have an unexpected visitor you may know - hemorrhagic fever. Crazy high temperatures, severe headaches, muscle pains, respiratory problems, all of which can result in acute renal failure. The Army is not a big help in getting information on this. We are flying blind here, but I was told you and the Japanese dealt with it during the 30s. Anything you could tell me, I'd appreciate."

She quickly grabbed a pencil and started scrabbling on a random piece of paper. The movement made her moan a little as her muscles protested the sudden effort after being able to rest for so long. Still she mustered all her energy to soak up all the knowledge coming her way and put it on paper. Radar gestured to her that she does not have much time left.

"Listen, Ros, anything else you can think of? The Army is going to cut us off any second now." Claudia got a perplexed look on her face. "What do you mean? What happened to him? Ros? Ros!" She took a deep breath and swore. What a bombshell to drop at the end of their phone call! Radar slammed shut one of the drawers of the filing cabinet and woke her from silent contemplation.

"Radar, can you get the doctors here? On the double."

"I think Hawkeye and BJ are in Post-Op. I'll look." Radar walked away swiftly.

"I'll get Colonel Potter, then. I think he's in his office." Claudia said mostly to herself as she saw Radar disappear behind the doors that led to Post-Op. For a while there was silence, then Colonel Potter showed up, looking for his company clerk and after that Radar came in running, followed at more casual pace by the two doctors. They spotted the female body lying motionless on the floor around the same time.

"Claudia!" Hawkeye brushed pass Radar to hurry to her. Colonel Potter was already checking her pulse, then he hesitated before speaking.

"She is burning up. We need to get her to bed."

"And I thought I'd enjoy getting her to bed." Hawkeye said sadly as he put his arm under Claudia's, lifting her from the floor with the help of their CO. BJ and Radar opened the door for them and they slowly walked through them and into the Post-Op. Hawkeye could feel how hot Claudia's body was, and not in a good way. She did not register being moved and did not seem aware of anything at this point. As they laid her in the nearest bed and cover her with an army green blanket, she stirred a little. Then, just as Hawkeye was sitting down, she opened her eyes.

"Don't touch me." Her voice was strained and she spoke so quietly, the words were barely heard by the surgeons. Hawkeye frowned.

"Relax, Colonel." Potter answered. "You passed out on us. Just trying to help here."

"No, I mean…" Claudia tried to sit up, but she wasn't strong enough. After a few deep breaths, she settled down and continued. "I mean, I could be contagious. I talked to the doctor, Colonel Potter. I made some notes…" Looking around, she slowly took in her surroundings. She was in Post-Op, not knowing how she got there.

"They're here, ma'am." Radar finally emerged in Post-Op with a paper in his hand. He laid it gently on the bed next to Claudia's right hand.

Incredibly slowly she moved her hand to grab it and afterwards she just maneuvered it closed to her head and laid it down here.

"One of father's friends has dealt with this disease before while serving on the Eastern front during World War II. It is not the mites or fleas, but the rats themselves that transmit it and they don't even have to look sickly. The only proven transmission was via a rat bite or via contact with rats' dropping or bodily fluids. He did some experiments to verify it, mostly with animals. The bite part was verified by a clumsy assistant of his." By now Major Houllihan has joined their medical summit and Radar ran away again. "But that's not all, bodily fluids of infected humans are also suspected to transmit the virus. It mostly happened due to reusing of needles in medical facilities during the war, but still we need to change the procedures. Major, you need to tell your nurses to start taking precautions when dealing with fever patients."

"All were transported to 45th Evacuation hospital in Seoul, ma'am. You and Major Burns are the only ones left in the camp." All medical personnel except Claudia stood silently around her bed. They all knew, but the Major said it first. Claudia contracted the fever.

"Anything new on how to treat it?" Hawkeye finally spoke out after a while.

"The most important things are bed rest, fluid management and monitoring of vital signs. Sponging and antipyretics help with the high temperature. Trendelenberg bed positioning can be used to decrease the blood flow to the extremities." Claudia sighed in between sentences, obviously exhausted. "At first, 40 percent of all cases were fatal, but with today's medicine it's down to five to fifteen percent. It depends on the exact subtype of the fever."


	11. Delirium

**If you recognize it, it is not mine. Some credit goes to everyone behind the book MASH FAQ, the Army Nursing Corps website and Britannica.**

**In this chapter Major Burns gets well, while Claudia is delirious with fever. **

"Oh." Hawkeye said quietly. What else was there to say to Frank's scandalous revelation that he's dating Margaret? He and BJ looked at each other, smirking with amusement. They should let Frank get some sleep. Both surgeons rose to their feet and while BJ went to see what they were serving in the mess tent, Hawkeye walked over to Claudia's bed. Sitting on the stool next to her bed, he began to study her face. The information she provided seemed valid. After a check-up, they found a bite on Frank's left upper arm, which was probably how he caught the fever. And even though Frank was annoying and still a little out of it, it seemed the worse was behind him. The bed rest and fluid restriction was doing him a world of good.

She, on the other hand, took a turn for the worse. Her temperature was almost a 101°F now and they had trouble pushing it down. The cup of tea Radar gave her was the last fluid she had and her kidney were fighting back, but she wasn't conscious anymore. She looked so fragile, lying there dressed in soft yellow jammies with dark red hair dancing disorderly around her pale face. He was tempted to lightly caress her flushed cheek, hoping it would be cool this time. But he resisted the temptation. Her breathing was very heavy and relatively shallow. She was very sick indeed and looked accordingly.

Approximately one in ten. That was the chance of dying from the fever and there was nothing to do but wait and see. Nothing Hawkeye learned in school would help him save her, nothing but some elementary common sense medicine.

All of a sudden, she flinched as if from an invisible intruder and groaned loudly. Hawkeye looked her over, wondering what happened. It was possible she was dreaming. He sincerely hoped her dreams were nicer than the reality.

BJ interrupted his depressing inner voice telling him all that could go wrong inside the female body sprawled in front of him. It was time to waste some time by judging the soldier of the month quiz. Since both Claudia and Frank were out of order, the colonel asked Hawkeye as he was the most senior officer next in line and Hawkeye refused to go through that festivity alone, so he asked BJ for help. Hawkeye found it extremely hard to leave Claudia alone in Post-Op. Okay, technically she wasn't alone, there were nurses on duty and Colonel Potter was right next to Post-Op in his office, but he still felt like he was abandoning her. Yearning for it to be over, he went with BJ to the mess tent.

As if BJ read his mind, he tried to console his colleague on their way. "She is going to be alright, Hawk. Our Claudia is one tough lady."

Hawkeye nodded absent-mindedly. At least BJ stopped trying to pry into his relationship with Claudia. That night they drank to celebrate Colonel Potter's marriage, he laid into him pretty hard. They were both pretty plastered and Hawkeye couldn't really remember how the conversation ended, but it was an uncomfortable experience. Especially since he was too sloshed, as Frank so elegantly put later, to even come up with a joke or a sarcastic remark as a reply.

The quiz was almost a complete disaster, with Klinger found cheating and Igor being too hungry to answer anything. As usual, it was Radar who saved the day. If it wasn't for him, Hawkeye and BJ would have hard time to find anything to judge. Colonel Potter was very proud when Hawkeye announced the results. He looked positively euphoric, like a proud father. Afterwards, he asked for updates on all fever cases. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to tell as there were no quick recoveries with this febrile infection.

As soon as he could, he left Potter's office for Post-Op and resumed his position next to Claudia's bed. Right after he sat down, he called Margaret over.

"Why the hell is she restrained?" His voice was laced with worry and consternation.

"She's been trashing around a lot during very intense nightmares. Screaming on the top of her lungs, too. We were worried she might hurt herself and couldn't think of anything else." The Head Nurse explained.

Hawkeye's eyes turned back to Claudia. It was hard to imagine now, she was resting on the bed, seemingly in peace. The only movement of her body was the constant shivering.

"What is her temperature?"

"101.7."

"Damn." It was higher than before. Hawkeye furrowed his brow, sighing in despair. "Margaret, I will stay here, go look at the other patients."

Hawkeye spent the night on the bed next to Claudia's. A few times he wanted to ask Margaret if she was sure that the restraints were needed, but she looked very angry as it is. Maybe she was angry at Frank, maybe the whole world. It didn't make much difference, the best solution was to avoid her. They propped up Claudia's bed so her legs were higher than her head as was recommended.

The camp was busy with washing everything and everyone with disinfectant to try to limit the outbreak and the 8063rd mash unit was specifically redesigned to deal with fever patients. So despite many new cases in the area, the only ones at the 4077 were Frank and Claudia. Frank was doing okay, so there was no point in transfer and Claudia was doing so badly they didn't know if she would survive the journey to another hospital.

Another eight hours later, with her temperature at 102°, Hawkeye got a taste of what Margaret was talking about. It started with a few unintelligible whispers that still managed to wake him up. He sat up when he heard the cot rattling as Claudia's entire body was shaking violently. Her eyes were tightly shut, but tears were still able to run in streams down her cheeks.

"N-no…" She shouted. "We have to… h-have to go back."

Hawkeye laid his hands lightly on her shoulders, trying to get her to calm down. "Claudia…" He whispered, caressing her softly. "It's okay…shhh…You're safe." His voice was shaking.

She was trying to get her hands free with a surprising amount of strength, which made the restraints cut into the skin on her wrists. Then she kicked her legs to the side, crying out even louder for someone named Adam. Hawkeye watched helplessly the horror scene in front of him.

She rested for a little while, her body obviously spent from the effort and then started kicking again. This time in the direction Hawkeye sat. It was then that Margaret turned up, looking for the source of all the commotion. As soon as she took in what was happening, she ran towards Hawkeye and grabbed Claudia's legs, holding them tightly in place.

It was probably all over in a couple of minutes, but for Hawkeye it felt like a lifetime. It scared him, seeing Claudia in delirium with her mind completely out of his reach like that. He missed spending time with her, just talking and drinking, making up silly things to do. It all seemed like a distant past, yet it was just a few days ago. Now, he was holding her as firmly as possible hoping he wouldn't hurt her already sick body.

When she eventually calmed down, both Margaret and Hawkeye let go off her as they exchanged pained looks. In the end, they agreed it would be best to add more restraints and surround Claudia's body with pillows and blankets, so there was nothing hard she could possibly bump into during one of her fits. Hawkeye gently bandaged her wrists with the supplies Margaret brought him. He didn't want to leave Claudia's side for one second.

Then, it was time to take vital signs again. The good news they were hoping for did not materialize. Her temp was another half a degree up, her blood pressure and pulse was also equally terrible. Hawkeye watched as the Head Nurse was going from patient to patient. He should get some rest, because he's on the next shift and right now he feels like falling down half-dead on the spot.

_Who was Adam?_ He thought to himself as he lied down.

* * *

The next two days seemed endless. Hawkeye stayed in Post-Op most of the time. There weren't many patients around and so it was not an inconvenience to leave the bed next to Claudia empty. They had to lower Claudia's legs, because she developed respiratory problems. With her ragged breathing came lower levels of oxygen in blood. While the numbers weren't so bad on their own, it was another complication. And her blood platelet levels were still dropping.

The nurses were instructed to monitor her temperature even more often than normally, because if it got any higher they might have to take drastic measures. There was a cold wet towel lying on her forehead all the time. Her fever was so high, they had to change it every few minutes, even when they started sponging the rest of her face. She was sobbing in her sleep at least every few hours, but usually you couldn't understand what she was screaming in between the tears. Lately she had been calling for her dad while desperately attempting to free her body from the restraints.

Her cheeks were still pink from the fever, her lips chapped and for a few hours during the night she got severe nose bleed. The nurse on the shift had to sit next to Claudia and carefully catch the droplets of blood into cotton balls. As per the Head Nurse's directive, she had a face mask on and gloves on her hands for protection. This was the last night there was only one nurse on the night shift. From then on, there was a doctor and two nurses, one specifically for looking after Claudia. Hawkeye seemed to be always there, too, but when it was possible, they tried to let him sleep.

But when Claudia's temperature reached 104, they were out of options. They had to act. The doctor officially on duty was Colonel Potter, who after receiving the news immediately ordered a bath tub to be prepared. Klinger and Margaret left to prepare the bath as the Colonel assisted Nurse Bigelow with removing the restraints. That's when Hawkeye woke up.

"W-what is going on?" He mumbled, still disoriented.

"Sleep, son. You need to rest, too." Colonel Potter whispered, seeing how tired the young surgeon looked.

"No, I'm okay. I'll help." Hawkeye sat up slowly, running hands through his unkempt hair. Sighing, he stood up and walked to read Claudia's chart. 104 degrees. So, that's what's happening. Aggressive ice-cold immersion.

It wasn't long until Klinger rolled a gurney in and Margaret brought a green top and shorts. Hawkeye and Klinger put Claudia gently on the gurney. As Hawkeye took Claudia into his arms and lifted her up, he could feel her body go completely limp. It took his breath away, it was like nobody was home. Her skin was very hot, you could sense it even over the clothes. Her left arm fell down and was dangling over the side of the board. Hawkeye lightly took it into his hands, as if he was afraid the arms would disintegrate due to his touch, and laid it softly down.

They all noticed Hawkeye's gentle attitude towards their sick colleague, but no one said anything. They were all crazy with worry. Margaret was tasked with changing Claudia into the new clothes. She brought the lightest softest clothes she could find, so it didn't keep heat near Claudia's body. Claudia's jammies were drenched, completely soaked with sweat, so she tossed them into the sink. She will have them washed with her own laundry later. Then she called on Klinger to get the all the ice he could find, while Hawkeye and Colonel Potter came into the room to help. The tub was filled with water pretty quickly, but it was pleasantly tepid, which right now was not what they needed.

"Have adrenaline ready, just in case." Potter ordered. Hawkeye held his breath for a few seconds. He knew Claudia was at risk of going into shock as it was, even without the icy bath. Looking at her unconscious form, he wondered if she ever sensed his presence during these past few days.

They put Claudia in the bath right after the first batch of ice was in place. Klinger ran away to get the rest and the two surgeons put Claudia in the bath. Hawkeye's heart skipped a beat when his hands came into contact with the ice, still he tried to lay Claudia down as smoothly as he could. Then he took her long red hair and let them hang over the edge of the bath, so they didn't get too wet. He knew that dark red was not Claudia's real color and not knowing much about hair dye, he erred on the side of caution. Some patients with the fever develop rash all over their bodies, which didn't help their condition. As Klinger came back, he reported that wounded were arriving into the compound.

Hawkeye was just taking Claudia pulse and he probably wouldn't leave anyway, so they left him alone with Claudia after Margaret prepared everything they might need on a tray. He took the snow white piece of linen and soaked it in the ice cold water. Then he spread it out and covered Claudia with it from her neck down. They didn't have enough ice to cool down the volume of water needed to fill the tub completely, so the water reached only as far the letters mash on her t-shirt.

He dragged a sturdy-looking box closer to the bathtub and sat down. She stirred a little, but her body stayed slumped against the tub, looking all lifeless. He needlessly fought back tears. She turned her head towards him and he tenderly brushed away a few stray locks of hair that fell into her face.

"Mmmm…" She moaned quietly.

"Yeah, you said it." Hawkeye whispered as he lightly caressed her cheek. He wanted a confirmation that the bath was helping, but the thermometer was slightly out of reach and he did not want to leave Claudia's side even for a moment. Leaning forward a little, he pressed his lips to her forehead. She didn't seem to be as hot as before. "Oh, Claudia, you'll be okay. You have to be."

Claudia drew in a sharp breath and shook off the cold sheet from her body. "No, don't do that." Hawkeye said in kind tone, knowing all too well she probably did not hear him. Trying to wrap her again in the cold linen, he took the cloth in his hands. Startled, he dropped it into the water again, when she spoke.

"Hawkeye." He looked down at her in disbelief. Her eyes were still closed, so she was not awake. Was she dreaming about him? "HAWKEYE!" This time her voice was loud and filled with horror.

"Claudia, shhh…" He brought a finger to her dry lips as he watched the pained expression on her face. His jaw clenched. Many patients suffered excruciating abdominal and back pains. He had hoped that in her state at least she was spared that agony. He finished wrapping her up, then kept running his nimble fingers through her hair. "Claudia…" Hawkeye whispered into Claudia's ear. "You said I didn't want anything serious, but we have something serious happening here."


	12. Greetings From Maine

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**A few letters that got lost on their way from the US finally get to 4077.**

"_Farewell, you mad fools. I'll be in my tent having a martini with a lizard." Hawkeye proclaimed, a beaming smile lightening up his face. And with that, he walked out of the Officers' Club._

_Claudia almost barreled into Hawkeye's body as they met in front of the Club. In the end he avoided her by taking her into his arms and gently pushing her to the side. "Well, I would like a drink, but if you already have a date planned with a lizard, I won't bother you." Claudia raised her eyebrows, laughing._

"_Say the word, my dear, and I cast the lizard aside like the yesterday's leftovers we were served today." Hawkeye was still hugging her pretty tightly. As they both realized that, hesitantly they pulled away from each other._

"_Is that why you spent so long nibbling on pretzels in the Officers' Watering Hole?" Her eyes were firmly fixed on his._

"_Why do you keep tabs on what I'm nibbling on?" Hawkeye asked, winking at Claudia._

"_In case you start a VD epidemic." She responded, without missing a beat._

_Hawkeye's jaw dropped at her joke. "How dare you! I am just an innocent young boy who got lost in this dangerous neighborhood." _

"_Oh, yeah? Do you need me to walk you home, kid?" _

"_Yes, please." He made puppy-dog eyes and bit his lower lip, which earned him a little smile._

_Wrapping her arm around his waist, she led him to the Swamp. He could smell her intoxicating perfume the whole way there._

Hawkeye was long lost in his memories, when he got back to Post-Op. He just came back from a drinking session in Colonel Potter's office, which was cut a little short by the arrival of drunk and disorderly Radar. He obviously had great time on his leave and his cheerfulness helped Hawkeye forget about Claudia, but only for a few minutes.

Frank Burns was recovering nicely, not only from the illness, but also from the punch he received from Major Houllihan after his trip to the latrine. He was released from Post-Op, but still needed to be on bed rest, so he spent his time watching what was going on in the camp and telling on people when they did something he considered improper. He wanted to call his mother, but with Radar sleeping off his Tokyo adventure, there was no one to connect the call. This time the company clerk was out for straight sixteen hours, which was probably the most sleep he had gotten since he was in Korea.

During the night Claudia's temperature got down to 99 and it was holding around that mark now. Considering what her body went through, that was a miracle. Her heart was beating pretty rapidly, but the tachycardia might have been caused by the high fever itself. There was also presence of excess proteins in her urine, which meant her kidneys just officially joint the party. Thankfully, her nightmares subsided and they didn't need to restrain her anymore. She looked almost peaceful, lying on the hospital bed. When Hawkeye put a cold towel on her forehead, it started dripping a little in her hair. He was brushing them out of the way, when he noticed Radar coming towards him.

"Hello, Radar. Still don't remember anything from Tokyo?"

"Not really, sir. I do have a vague memory of eating something with rice."

"That's Japan for you!"

"I've got mail for you, sir. Some of our mail got send to a wrong mash unit, so we got it now instead of two weeks ago."

"Oh, good." A letter from his dad was definitely the kind of distraction he was looking for.

"Also, there is a letter for Colonel Rester."

"She is currently indisposed, Radar. I don't think she will be reading her correspondence anytime soon."

"Well, I thought maybe you could read it to her. You said she might be able to hear what is going on. I am sure she'd be glad to hear your voice." Radar said, deep in thought and then he decided to continue. "Also it's from Crabapple Cove."

"What? How did that happen?"

"How would I know?" Radar said with rising inflexion.

Hawkeye took the envelope from Radar and tore it up. A letter fell down into his lap. He knew the handwriting well.

_Dear Colonel Rester,_

_Thank you very much for your letter. It's comforting to know my son is not only alive, but also surrounded by friends who care about him. It's been so long since I saw my little boy. Sometimes I wonder if he'll even recognize me when we meet again. But I don't want to write a sad letter, I know you have enough of that in Korea._

_You're right in guessing that the last few months have been challenging to say the least. My worst nightmare came true and even though it was temporary, I'd be lying if I said it didn't leave a permanent mark on my heart._

_I am incredibly grateful for the photos you sent, I needed that. Looking at my Hawkeye sleeping soundly, seemingly without a worry, has done me a lot of good. And the picture of Hawkeye with all those little children was also a real beauty. He looked so happy. I framed that picture and it's got a permanent place on my desk at work._

_I would like to continue this correspondence if you don't mind. Hawkeye is the only family I have left and he does not write to me as often as I would like. I understand he pays more attention to the pretty women (like you) in 4077__th__ than to his old dad, but still a father always worries about his child._

_You did not write if Hawkeye knows about this correspondence so I left it out of his letter, but from what I hear the camp is so small, he'll probably find out anyway._

_Wishing you the best_

_Daniel Pierce_

Hawkeye quickly winked a few times to stop the tears from falling. His dad avoided mentioning the time he was pronounced dead in any of his letters. It was like a secret agreement they had, Hawkeye didn't refer to it either.

He carefully folded the letter and hid it back in the envelope. The letter addressed to him was just an announcement he was supposed to visit his dentist three weeks ago. He angrily ripped it into pieces and laid them on the bedside table. Expecting more words from his father, this was a sour disappointment.

Lying down on his side, he put his left hand under his head and studied Claudia's face thoughtfully. She should have woken up by now. None of the patients with the fever were unconscious for so long. Thinking about what he could do to improve her condition, his eyes slid closed.

After another night spent on a bed in Post-Op, Hawkeye was ordered to return to the Swamp to get some real rest, and although he considered disobeying, Colonel Potter made it clear he would get his way even if it meant posting MPs next to Claudia. In the Swamp Frank was cleaning up his boots and making so much noise Hawkeye was unable to sleep. After two seemingly endless hours, he fired a sarcastic remark at him and left the tent, irritated.

His feet led him straight to Claudia's tent. It was the only place he could think of where he wouldn't be disturbed. So Claudia wrote to his dad and photographed him and sent the photos home. That was so sweet… He sighed loudly. Exhausted, he threw his boots next to the bed and lied down. Outside, people were running around the camp, going from showers to their tents, from Post-Op to the mess tent and so on. But Hawkeye was sound asleep in minutes, not registering any of that. His sleep was peaceful, without any dreams whatsoever.

Hawkeye was awoken slowly, by something rubbing against his left cheek. He grabbed it with his hand and noticed it to be one of Claudia's shirts. It smelled like her.

Not knowing how long he'd been asleep, Hawkeye grudgingly convinced his body to sit up. Still feeling pretty out of it, he decided to take a shower to fully wake up. The Swamp was finally quiet for a change, with both BJ and Frank gone. After getting his robe and a towel, he headed to the shower tent, where he found out why BJ wasn't in the Swamp.

"Hey, traveler. Where the hell were you?" BJ asked, reaching for his soap.

"Skipping through the minefield. It was an unbelievably uplifting experience." Hawkeye answered, taking his clothes off and getting into the other stall.

"So I guess you don't know yet. You're going to be sorry for having missed this."

"What?" Hawkeye stood in the stall, enjoying the calming sensations of water washing over him. The tension was slowly leaving his body. Thank God for showers…

"Claudia's awake, Hawk." BJ said suddenly.

"What? Since when?" Hawkeye started washing himself frantically.

"About 5 am."

"I need to get to Post-Op."

"Hawkeye, calm down. She'll be sleeping now. She needs to rest and you need to let her, doctor."

Hawkeye sighed, washing his hair thoroughly.

* * *

Claudia was still sleeping when Hawkeye's shift started. Her chart reported a great improvement. After checking all the other patients, he took his usual place next to her bed. She looked much better now. Her face had a natural color this time, it wasn't flushed with fever or unbearably pale. Her breathing has returned to normal, so her body was getting enough oxygen.

The night was calm, the few injured soldiers they had in Post-Op were stable and didn't require any special care. So except for periodically checking patients' vital signs, there was nothing else to do. Hawkeye took Claudia's vital signs every time himself and let Nurse Gage deal with the rest. A part of him still couldn't believe Claudia was recovering.

When he was done taking her vital signs around 3 am, she stirred and murmured huskily. Stretching her body, she slowly opened her eyes, yawning loudly.

"Oh, hello, Sleeping Beauty." Hawkeye whispered very quietly as not to wake up other patients. Claudia rubbed her eyes and turned in his direction.

"Hey, stranger. So… Are you my prince?" She smiled, trying to sit up.

"No, don't. You are still in a weakened condition. Just lie down." Hawkeye put his hands on Claudia's shoulders and gently pushed her down, to get her back lying in the bed.

"I am fine, just get me some pillows, so I can sit up in my bed without you worrying too much."

"Okay, but I'll have to monitor your condition closely." Hawkeye smiled a bit lecherously at her, before walking away to get the pillows. Then he helped Claudia to sit up and began arranging the pillows behind her. After she leaned against them, he sat next to her on the bed. His leg kept touching her hip.

"Hawkeye?" She spoke softly, still feeling a little dizzy. Waiting for him to turn to face her, she studied his face in profile. He looked pretty tired himself.

"Yes, princess?" He looked straight into her eyes.

"Thank you for taking care of me." Hearing that, he took her hand into his, gently caressing her knuckles.

"You really had me worried." He admitted, as if embarrassed.

"Didn't mean to." She shrugged her shoulders. "So, tell me, what I've missed while I was out?"

He told her about everything. That Colonel Potter was a grandfather now, proud as never before, that Frank almost got divorced and was now getting a cold shoulder from Major Houllihan. Then there was the story with Radar and a valuable gun that went missing and thankfully was found later. It was so nice to enjoy her conscious company again, he was including the smallest details in his stories. There was no rush. She wouldn't get to work for quite some time and his shift was going smoothly. Very smoothly, indeed.

After he was about half-way through his tomato juice expedition story, he found himself distracted, wondering if he should bring up her delirious nightmares. She probably wouldn't mention it herself.

"Claudia, do you remember anything from when you were sick?" Hawkeye started carefully, testing the atmosphere. Her soft smile told him she didn't know where this conversation is gonna go.

"Not really. I might have heard someone talking to me, but nothing substantial. Why?"

"During your delirious fever days, you screamed a few things while you were out."

"Oh?" Her eyebrows went up.

"The one I'm most interested in is when you screamed my name."

"Oh, it probably was a nightmare." She smiled.

"In the beginning you said it quite nicely, but then it progressed to horror. So you're probably right. Anyway, I'm glad you don't remember." Claudia looked up at him, sad because of what she was hearing and because she saw Hawkeye's painful look.

"But I want to talk to you about other things you shouted." With kindness in his eyes, Hawkeye gripped her hand firmly.

"Like?" Claudia asked hesitantly.

"You screamed for your dad." Hawkeye explained, looking at her face and waiting for a reaction. "I tried to get Colonel Potter to contact him, but nor he, nor Radar were able to find him."

"Do you remember how I talked on the phone with the doctor about the fever?"

"Right before you fainted? Sure." His eyes didn't leave hers as she uncomfortably shifted in the bed. She tried to fix her hair that were right now in disarray, running her fingers through them repeatedly. Then she stopped putting off the inevitable and spoke.

"He said my father was MIA."

"Oh, I am sorry."

"I always knew there was a possibility it'd happen."

"But how come you weren't informed as the next of kin?"

"The nature of my father's work makes it hard for the US army to be certain that he's been captured or killed or whatever."

Hawkeye sensed she wouldn't or possibly couldn't say more and didn't push.

"I can't help but notice how hard you're trying not to give any specifics. Am I to assume you can't tell me who Adam is either?"

"Adam?"

"Yeah, you screamed his name, too."

"He's my brother. Well, was my brother."

"Sorry. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But if you ever need you, I'll be there for you."

"Thank you, Hawkeye. For everything."

Their talk was cut short when Lieutenant Gage came to get him, because a patient wanted to talk to him.

**This chapter was pretty difficult to write as I kept having ideas about the next few chapters.**

**These chapters will be dealing with episodes Hawkeye, Some 38****th**** Parallels and Novocaine Mutiny.**

**Please review.**


	13. Concussion Blues

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**I'm still not satisfied with the previous chapter, so if you have any suggestion, let me know.**

**The following chapter deals with the events of episode **_**Hawkeye**_**.**

"But Colonel, I…"

"For the thousandth time, no! There's another wave of wounded on the way and without Pierce we are already one surgeon down. I need you here. Soon they will get the new surgeon and we'll get him back." Potter shouted over the sounds of a busy operation room. He couldn't blame Claudia for trying, everybody wished Hawkeye would finally came back from the aid station. Every minute there was dangerous and Hawkeye was originally supposed to be gone only for a day, but the war kept every doctor in Korea so very busy, this was his third day.

If there wasn't so much to do, Claudia would still be considered a patient. She was healthy now, but still a little too weak and easily exhausted. But she didn't complain, as opposed to Major Burns.

There was a clinking sound as the metal fragments Claudia removed from a soldier's body hit the bowl. Someone, probably BJ called for more suction as Klinger announced new wounded arriving in the compound. Colonel Potter asked who can go perform triage. BJ called on Major Houllihan to close for him and went.

"Alright, that's it for the fragments. Kellye hold this as I check for bleeders I might have missed." Claudia said and started running her hands along a man's colon. She took her time, checking each millimeter twice before moving on. "It's intact. We're finished. Kellye, close please and when he pays the bill, I'll buy you a drink." She quickly pulled her gloves off and disposed of them. "Prepare the next customer for me. On that empty table over there." Soon she stood face to damaged kidney with someone.

Suddenly Radar came running in the OR, holding a face mask in front of his shocked face. "Colonel Potter, Colonel Potter!"

"What is it, Radar?"

"I spoke to the aid station, sir. Captain Pierce left five hours ago."

Confused faces all turned in Radar's direction. Hawkeye should have been able to make the journey hundred times there and back on foot in that time and he had a jeep at his disposal. Colonel Potter, sensing the uproar in the operating room, ordered Radar to get a word out that 4077 is missing a surgeon and have a helicopter up there searching for him. Then he was supposed to call other stations in the area and ask if they had seen someone fitting his description.

"Five hours, Colonel Potter. A lot of things can happen in five hours." Claudia's voice was shaking, as she tried to repair a kidney at the same time as keeping herself from falling apart. All she could think about was that it should have been her. She should have gone to the aid station because the doctors took turns and she's never been. But Colonel Potter called a meeting without her there and sent Hawkeye instead. She was still lying in Post-Op so she didn't find out until it was too late. Damn it.

Potter did his best to calm the situation down, but everyone remained very edgy for the rest of the OR session. Luckily there were only a few serious cases after the appalling news, the rest constituted of simple fractures. After the usual routine in the scrub room, Claudia, BJ and Radar all joined Colonel Potter in his office. Father Mulcahy came in a minute later.

"Any news, Colonel?" The Padre asked right after he walked in.

"No, but welcome to the worrying committee, Father." Claudia said nervously while Colonel Potter talked on the phone. BJ was sitting in a chair near the window, silently staring at the alcohol in his glass. With a click, Potter put the phone down. All eyes were on him.

"They flew from the aid station along the road and did not see anything before having to turn back to pick up some wounded. That means Pierce has probably made it at least half way."

* * *

The headache was so enormous, Hawkeye's only desire was to crawl in a corner, curled up in a ball and forget about everything. But as irrational as he knew it was, he was afraid to sleep. His pulse slowed a little bit, but still was far from normal. The blood from the head wound has dried and glued a few lock of his black hair together. To add to all of that, he felt as though his heart was in his throat, its beating loud as never before. His piercing blue eyes were jumping from one spot to another as his thought were running wild.

He couldn't believe no one came for him yet. The aid station wasn't so far from 4077 and when he last spoke with Radar he told him that he'll be able to return soon. Was it possible that he strayed from the road he was supposed to take? It would explain why no one was able to locate him as of this moment. He was pretty exhausted when he left the aid station, but still he found it improbable that he would have made such a mistake.

He tried to keep his spirit up by keeping busy. So he let his mind wonder, talking endlessly in an uncensored stream of consciousness. They didn't understand him anyway. He just needed to stay awake until someone came for him. Colonel Potter probably sent Radar. Sending a doctor would be a risk, since they were already one down. Plus it was anybody's guess when the casualties would be coming. And with him gone and Frank being Frank, the brunt of the work would fall on BJ and Potter - and possibly Claudia, if she was well enough. She should still rest, though.

Claudia. She is going to go crazy over this. She gave him a hard time even when he had to go with BJ to retrieve Frank from the front where they had inadvertently posted him. _You want to tell me you got so drunk, you thought any joke including a toe tag is funny? _He could hear her as if she was saying it now. The tone of her voice made him shiver with shame. She was very intense person.

And she didn't accept his excuse that it all happened because they fulfilled Colonel Potter's wish and got drunk with Ferret Face. He didn't even go missing that time. Oh, what would he give to be sitting in the Swamp drinking anti-freeze with BJ and Claudia, just talking about resecting intestines, artery transplants and all the other fun stuff you do in the Korean theater…

He knew he wouldn't be able to stay awake for much longer. He felt his body starting to give up during the dinner, as he continued his long monologue about the opposable thumb. No matter what, he wasn't going to check out with a fight.

* * *

So Hawkeye wasn't so far away after all. It was probable he was somewhere between here and half-way to aid station. But if he was so close, it meant he was in all likelihood hurt. Otherwise he would have made it to 4077 on foot by now. Claudia thought it was lucky that Margaret came to get BJ because one of his patients. She would have fought hard to be the one who was going to go look for Hawkeye. If he was hurt, it made sense to send a doctor with Radar. And Claudia would still go not matter what.

After about a minute drive, Claudia forced Radar to let her drive. He was driving way too slowly for her taste. Hawkeye could have been lying somewhere half dead in a dirty ditch and every second could be important. She planned on driving as fast as she could all the way to the aid station if necessary and if they didn't find him, go slow on the way back. But she was almost certain they would find him soon. The search party saw nothing, so he had to be closer to camp. I mean, sure, there were other possibilities as well. But Claudia didn't want to ponder those. Anyway, the UN side was doing pretty well and it's been a while since they had any reports of enemy soldiers in their area. Actually the last time was when Colonel Potter was shot in his derriere to be exact.

Her hair were furiously dancing in the wind around her face as she drove. A few times during their journey, Radar leaned towards her to say Hawkeye will be alright. Each time she rewarded him with a smile, but she wasn't really comforted.

"Hey, look!" Radar suddenly pointed in the distance.

"Is that a jeep?" Claudia wondered.

She would have sped up if the jeep could go any faster. As they got closer, it became clear it was a jeep, lying sideways at the edge of the road.

"Give it a honk, Radar." She ordered as she jumped out of the vehicle and ran towards the wrecked one. There was no one there, not even a medical bag. But there also was no blood either. He had to make it out alive.

"Radar, wait a minute. Radaaar!" Claudia's heart skipped a beat when she heard the voice.

There was a small family home across the road. Originally, she wanted to go and ask them if they saw Hawkeye. But before she could think about what she would say, Hawkeye called out.

Now she could see a Korean family looking from the house at them. Hawkeye was slowly limping towards them, holding a medical bag and his boots. His face lit up as he recognized who else came to save him. Claudia with Radar rushed towards him, almost stumbling over each other. They were separated by only a few steps, but it truly seemed like forever. As much as she wanted to throw her arms around Hawkeye and just hold him close, the doctor inside her automatically took over.

"Radar, take those things from him, will ya?" Claudia said and afterwards Hawkeye let go of what he was holding, releasing it into the Corporal's arms. Radar struggled a little to catch his boots, almost letting them fall onto the ground. But Claudia didn't see that. Her eyes were studying Hawkeye.

He didn't look bad. Yes, he was definitely tired and bloody, drenched in cold sweat and layers of dust. But medically, he seemed okay. Running his hands carefully over his body, she didn't find any fractures or life-threatening injuries. Then she looked into his eyes, examining his pupils. Nothing to worry about there. All the blood on his face seemingly originated from one head injury, which could turn out to be serious, but it sure looked like a superficial scratch.

"Did you vomit? Or lose consciousness at any point?" Claudia asked. Hawkeye answered that he did not. That was good news. He was probably concussed, but within a week or two, he should be fine.

Just as she stopped evaluating his condition, his legs gave away. If she hadn't caught him, he would have ended up face down in dirt. But at the last moment her hands grabbed his and kept him from falling further. He landed hard on his knees with a quiet whimper. She could tell it startled him too. He even stopped talking. She didn't know what he was talking about, she wasn't listening. His health was what she needed to be focused on.

For a moment she thought he fainted, since he stayed hunched over on his knees with his head resting against her stomach. His hands slowly slid down her sides to her legs and for a moment there was quiet. But when she said his name, he looked up, breathing with difficulty. She bent down, grabbing him firmly under the arms and lifted him up. He wasn't so heavy.

"You alright?" Claudia whispered into his ear. He just silently nodded, not moving another muscle, so she continued. "Let's get to the jeep, yeah? I'll help you and if you need to stop, we'll stop."

With him leaning against her body, they slowly made their way toward the jeep, where Radar just finished tiding up the back seats. They were in such a hurry that Claudia just threw whatever medical supplies she thought she might need in the back and they were off. This was no time for careful packing.

She disentangled herself from Hawkeye's arms and gently put him against the side of the jeep.

"Radar, hand me my medical bag." Claudia said, extending her arm in Radar's direction. "The little one on the passenger seat." She added, realizing she packed so many things with her. She just wanted to be prepared to take care of Hawkeye no matter what state he was in.

"Here it is, ma'am." Radar passed her what she wanted.

"I want to clean your head wound and bandage it before we drive off. With all the dirt and dust on the road, I don't want to invite any infection into the wound. It might hurt a little."

"Aaaah!" Hawkeye screamed loudly, but then realized the Korean family was still watching them, so he tried to gather himself. Don't scare the children, he thought to himself.

With the help of some gauze and a plaster, Claudia took care of the wound. There was no point in doing something fancy, Hawkeye will still have to be checked at the 4077.

Slowly turning Hawkeye so he was facing the jeep, she then stood right behind him, so he could fully leaned on her with his upper body as he threw his legs into the vehicle. With a painful groan he did just that as Claudia lifted the rest of his body up.

Radar was sitting behind the wheel, waiting to be ordered to drive home. He was watching the wounded man half sitting, half lying on the seat behind him as Claudia ran around the jeep and sat in the back next to Hawkeye.

"Let's go, Radar, and drive safely."

The jeep made a rumbling sound and they were on their way. Claudia waved to the family that took Hawkeye in and then turned her attention to him.

"Hey." She whispered. "I'll take off your jacket, okay? I want to look at your right arm."

She saw a rip on his right arm, just a few centimeters under his shoulder. There was hardly any blood around, but she still wanted to look. Whatever cut through his jacket, cut through his green and grayish t-shirt as well. As she suspected, it was just a small scratch. She swabbed it with alcohol and dressed it anyway. Hawkeye hissed a little when the alcohol made contact with his skin, but kept quiet otherwise.

"Are you thirsty?" Claudia asked, showing him the canteen that hid safe drinkable liquid.

Hawkeye replied positively and in fact seemed rather enthusiastic about the prospect of fresh clean water. Holding the canteen next to his lips, she waited for him to quench his thirst. Afterwards she poured some over a sheet and started to wipe away the dried blood from his face.

"I'm gonna make you all pretty again. There's a lot of people waiting for you at home and they want their Casanova back." She felt a little silly referring to 4077 as home. It definitely was hers, but he had a real home so far away. Caressing his cheek she asked if he was in any pain. He quietly answered no.

He looked dead tired, ready to faint. Maneuvering him so he could rest in the back of the jeep, Claudia gently laid him down and squeezed his long lean body in the small space. His head was in her lap and his blue eyes were locked with hers. She felt his body trembling all over like a small leaf in a windstorm. Thankfully she brought some blankets with her as well, so she took one and wrapped Hawkeye in it.

"Sleep if you can, you need the rest." Claudia put her legs up against the seat in front of her, so Hawkeye could lie more comfortably and didn't have to be afraid of sliding down.

"No, I can't sleep. I am afraid I won't wake up." Hawkeye admitted softly, but loud enough to be heard over the sound of the motor.

"Hawkeye." Claudia was running her fingers tenderly through his messed up hair, her other hand stroking his cheek. "Your pupils are fine, you are not nauseous or dizzy. You only fell down because you were too exhausted. With no vomiting or memory loss, it's safe for you to get some rest. In fact it's necessary."

She kept playing with his hair, but moved her left hand to his waist, holding him tightly in place. She didn't want him to get any more hurt on the way. Korea was full of surprises and who knew when Radar might have to steer sideways all of a sudden or something like that.

Hawkeye closed his eyes a few times, but in the end he didn't sleep. He just rested, finally at peace, listening to Claudia whispering to him that he was safe and she wouldn't let anything happen to him.


	14. Healing Body and Soul

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references of the episode **_**Some 38**__**th**__** Parallels.**_

**The semester started, so the next chapters might be coming a little slower now.**

Hawkeye may not have slept, but he relaxed considerably during their way to the 4077. His half-open eyes provided evidence of his exhaustion as they alternated between closing and looking up at Claudia. When they rolled into the camp and everyone huddled around them to welcome him, he felt quite overwhelmed. Claudia helped him sit up, but stayed close, so he could lean against her.

"Everyone back off, you can visit him afterwards in Post-Op. Klinger, go get a board." Hawkeye wanted to object, saying he was able to walk, but Claudia gently laid a finger on his lips to stop him from speaking and whispered. "Don't even think about it. You seem okay, but still you have bruises and cuts all over your body, you're concussed and exhausted. Just let us take care of you, yeah?" Hawkeye nodded slightly as someone whisked his blanket away. The next thing he knew he was being lifted away from Claudia's warm embrace and onto a stiff board.

Claudia turned to BJ asking him to give Hawkeye a complete physical and X-ray everything he could think of. "You got it." He responded. Claudia smiled at Hawkeye as he was carried away from the jeep.

"Claudia, so… What happened? How is he?" She turned around and saw Colonel Potter standing there.

"Hawkeye had an accident in the jeep. Thankfully it looks like he walked away only with a concussion, but we'll need to take X-rays to verify it. BJ is with him now."

"Go take a shower and get some shut-eye as well. We'll take care of him."

"Colonel, I'm…" Claudia started, but didn't get through the full sentence before the Colonel interrupted her.

"Bull cookies. You've been through a sixteen-hour OR session before you went to get Hawkeye. Colonels need sleep too, you know."

Claudia knew he was right, but didn't want to admit it. Hawkeye needed to be checked thoroughly, which required a male doctor anyway and BJ was a great doctor. He sure will take good care of his roomie. Still, she yearned to inspect his X-rays and soothe her mind with the certainty that Hawkeye was, indeed, okay.

Fighting off her urge to run to Post-Op, she strolled hesitantly to her tent. The events of the past few days made her forget how good it felt to retreat into her little green canvas home. After the quickest shower anyone has ever taken, she settled in her bed. Having no idea when she might have to go on shift, she decided to get whatever rest she could. Thankfully she fell asleep not long after her head hit the pillow with no unhappy dreams disturbing her.

Hawkeye was finally fast asleep in Post-Op with his IV happily dripping on when Claudia checked up on him, which she did as soon as she woke up. Sitting next to his bed, she inspected the numbers on his chart. He was in good shape. The bloodwork, X-rays and his overall medical examination showed no additional problems. He was a little dehydrated, but that could be fixed.

She rose to her feet as quietly as possible, wanting to let him sleep, but suddenly she felt someone grabbing at her hand. "Don't go, my princess."

"Oh, hello, gorgeous. How you're feeling?" Claudia sat down again, smiling at her patient.

"That depends on how long I will be blessed with your presence." Hawkeye grinned from ear to ear, looking straight at her.

"How's your head?" Claudia took his hand into hers. Even though he was smiling, his eyes weren't. She was wondering if he was in any pain or what.

"Physically I'm okay."

"What do you mean?"

"I think I lost my mind out there before you found me. I am not sure I got it back in one piece." He admitted, avoiding eye contact.

"Hawkeye…" Claudia started, not sure what to say next, but was saved by Nurse Gage asking for help. "I will be right back and we'll talk, yeah?" She playfully ruffled Hawkeye's hair and then swiftly walked away.

True to her word, she came back after a few minutes. Hawkeye was lying on his side, staring over the three empty beds next to his, somewhere far in the distance. He didn't look at her when she sat down on the edge of his bed. Seeing he had kicked his blanket off and was now lying just in his PJs and robe, she covered him again.

"Let's keep you nicely warm, prince." She said, gently stroking his hair. "Hawkeye, I am here. And I want you to tell me everything that happened before Radar and I got to you, so I could assure you you're a superb human being and you have nothing to worry about."

He had this haunted look in his eyes when he finally turned to face her. She fulfilled her promise and attentively listened to his every word. Even his exhausting blabbering account of his past blabbering. She didn't interrupt him, just patiently waited until he was finished.

"I still don't see anything to be worried about. Look, just as you don't judge a runner when he has both his legs broken, you don't judge your adorable brain when the poor thing is concussed. You're okay."

She also cheered him up with the news that he'd soon be able to go back to the Swamp. But it would be at least a week until he would be able to operate again.

* * *

Every OR session is a sad, horrible affair. But when the soldiers bleeding on your table got wounded because of a stupid retrieval sweep, it gets even worse. The Post-Op was quickly filling up, but the wounded just kept coming. Soon they will have to move some of them to the mess tent, which beats eating there, but still…

As if it wasn't enough, Frank kept going on about trash for some reason, proving once again you are what you think of. Finally Colonel Potter cut him off and told him to meet him later in his office and so almost everyone was spared another garbage talk. "As one Colonel to another I have to tell you something, sir." Claudia started.

"Yes?" Colonel Potter answered.

"Major Burns has only garbage in his head." Claudia looked up, seeing almost all personnel smile. She was just finishing up her patient, who had a nasty belly wound, when they were informed that was it for the wounded this time.

Making plans for later, Nurse Able offered Hawkeye a nickel and he accepted her proposal, laughing out loud. "I am so easy." A few minutes after, they walked off together.

"That's it. Close up, please." Claudia got rid of her gloves and make a run for the scrub room, where Father Mulcahy was resting. "Hello, Father. You think I could join you for your morning run tomorrow?" The Padre said he'd be delighted to have some company, so they agreed on the hour and both headed for their tents. It was a long horrible day. Even a nice long shower didn't wash away Claudia's anger about Colonel Coner. The run hadn't helped either. And what really got her was the next batch of wounded from the 43rd they got just 30 hours after the first one.

She was the first surgeon in and let Frank handle the Pre-Op after she already checked the patients a little herself. Waiting for Nurse King to tie her face mask and just before she got to OR, she said hello to BJ, who just entered. Hawkeye was right behind him, giving Nurse Able a little chaste kiss before he went to scrub.

The first wounded soldier Claudia work on had five bullets and even more pieces of shrapnel in him. "This is ridiculous, Colonel. This one was shot from three directions and four different guns. He has more holes in him than a sieve. This kind of carnage would not be worth it even if we were getting a strategically important land, let alone only a few cold bodies. How does he get away with this?"

"The Army is not known for common sense…" BJ remarked.

"I'm warning you. You better not make Colonel Coner my patient or I'll break all his other limbs." Claudia proclaimed in a very serious voice, calling for more suction.

"We're not even sure if he has one limb broken. X-rays are not done yet." Hawkeye reminded all who were present. "But I think we should have Frank work on him. That way the situation might resolve itself. Sponge, please."

* * *

The food was particularly tasteless that day, or maybe it was that year. Claudia got some meatloaf and a toast in her and felt no better for it. At least the juice tasted nice. Sitting in the mess tent next to Father Mulcahy, they talked shop. Father Mulcahy agreed to support Claudia's report on Colonel Coner. Colonel Potter promised his cooperation too, when she spoke to him while he and Hawkeye were tossing horse shoes. She obviously interrupted an important conversation because they stopped speaking as she approached and when she asked the boys what they were talking about, there was an awkward silence.

Claudia and the Padre both stood up just in time to see Colonel Coner get hit with garbage. They both looked at each other and raised their eyebrows as Nurse Able passed them, seemingly ignoring what was happening outside. When they got outside, Claudia asked BJ if he wanted to join her and the Father in going to the Officers' Club for a drink. He had to refuse because he was due in Post-Op. In the background Hawkeye was headed into the Swamp, his arm around Nurse Able's waist.

Father Mulcahy left Claudia alone after one drink, because he discovered Private Phelan died and Radar was feeling distraught. Claudia assured him she'd be alright on her own and off he went. There was no one else in, except for the bartender, so Claudia assumed she would just finish her drink and leave as well.

However, just before she gulped down the last of it, Hawkeye walked in looking like a hurt puppy. She smiled at him as he parked himself on the next chair and ordered a scotch.

"Hello, Romeo." Claudia greeted him cheerfully, but got a sad smirk in return. "Garbage collector, then?"

"I don't collect." Hawkeye objected. "I just buy and utilize trash."

"What are you doing here so early, anyway? Strike out number two?"

Hawkeye looked back at the bartender who was lazily minding his own business and whispered back quietly. "How do you know?"

"Not everyone hides from their emotions by handing out wisecracks, some people need to talk things over. Relax. I am the only one she told and I wouldn't tell anyone." Seeing Hawkeye looked still pretty embarrassed, she added. "Who should she have gone to? Father Mulcahy? Major Houllihan? Another Nurse? Aren't I the best option?"

"You usually are…" He laughed, still looking uncomfortable.

"We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. But let me remind you that just a few weeks ago you were on strict bed rest with a concussion. Maybe your body needs some more rest."

"I feel fine." Hawkeye took a long sip of his scotch.

"Look, women don't think it's a big deal. You're obviously healthy, the army examines us all the time. So you were a little too nervous, don't worry about it. You're still a cutie."

"Yeah. You want another?" After she answered in positive, he took their glasses and went to the bar.

"Thank you, dear." Claudia raised her glass after Hawkeye put it on the table. Hawkeye did the same and a loud click echoed in the Club.

"Cheers." Hawkeye's voice was back to his slightly careless tone.

After they drank their second refreshment, the bar started to fill up and after another one they house was packed. Hawkeye asked Claudia to dance just so they might get some actually space to enjoy. His mood improved significantly. He told Claudia how he performed the assigned foot inspections and finally confessed to sleeping in her tent when she was down with the fever. She wasn't mad, just curious about the reason that led him there and sympathetic when she found out.

In turn she revealed she had written to his father and asked if he was the one who read the reply. After he admitted he was, she asked him why he didn't say anything. And he asked her why she didn't tell him she wrote to his dad. Then they both shrugged and continued dancing. Even the dance floor was starting to be more crammed by now.

He pulled her a little closer, so they'd stop bumping into others. The smell of her perfume enveloped his senses. He made a funny remark about how many people suddenly showed up and felt her body shake with laughter. Suddenly they both froze in place, because apparently his problem stopped being a problem.

"Well... Hello, sailor." She whispered in his ear and pulled further away from his body. All he was able to say was a pathetic ehm. He just stood there for a moment, looking at her. Two humiliating experiences with the best looking nurse in camp and nothing. Then he just holds Claudia in his arms for a minute and he stands at attention.

He looked down at her, investigating her expression. She looked sort of bewildered, but not at all angry or insulted. Saying he should be going, he excused himself and sprinted towards the door.

When BJ later asked how his date was, he answered. "It was terrific." It wasn't the whole truth, but there was some in it. It wasn't a date and it wasn't with the women BJ was referring to, but it sure as hell was terrific.


	15. Gloomy Life Memories

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to episodes **_**The Novocaine Mutiny**_** and **_**Smiling Jack**_**.**

**Hawkeye finally finds out who Adam is (and more) after Claudia gets very emotional during an OR session. A few of the paragraphs have "a history lesson" feeling to them, but that is because I wanted to explain Claudia's background and I will be referring to them in the future.**

**Please review!**

The journey back was remarkably quiet as everyone was spent from the wild emotions brought on by the court-martial trial. Frank was ignored by everyone else and was just silently observing the Korean nature as it passed by. Radar was driving in his usual safe manner and Colonel Potter was sitting on the passenger seat beside him. BJ was sitting in the back, squeezed in between Frank and Hawkeye.

Hawkeye didn't say a word since they left the court, he was in his own world with his thoughts. BJ let him be, thinking that even with all the joking front he put up, this experience affected him more than he would admit.

When they arrived in the camp and parked in front of the Colonel's office, Klinger came running to them. "Oh, sir. Thank the holy Toledo, I am so glad to see you." Hawkeye jumped off the jeep, quickly followed by BJ, and thanked Klinger for the nice welcome.

"Colonel Rester wanted to see you, as soon as you get back, she said." Klinger continued.

"I will fly to her on the innocent wings of my imagination." Hawkeye gave Frank a disgusted look and then inquired. "Where is she?"

"I think I saw her going into her tent." Klinger answered, but shrugged his shoulders in doubt.

Hawkeye headed to Claudia's tent immediately, but was frequently interrupted by people welcoming him back and congratulating him on being found not guilty. After numerous people patted him on his back and he received a few friendly hugs and kisses, he got to his destination.

"Knock, knock, knock, my lady." Not waiting for an answer, he entered. "Your prince is here."

She was standing at the table, doing some paperwork, when he got in. As soon as she noticed him though, she stopped and raced towards where he stood, throwing her arms around him. Hawkeye let himself relaxed into her touch, feeling her clinging tightly to him. His heart was racing.

"Oh, thank god." She mumbled softly, with her head buried in his shoulder. Again he found himself swimming in the invigorating smell of her perfume. "Are you alright?" She asked, pulling away a little to look at him, concerned.

"I'm alive. Somehow that's enough for me at this moment." His face conveyed a lot of emotions – fatigue, worry and relief – all at once. She hugged him even tighter and ran his hand up and down his back. She wanted him to feel safe after what he'd been through. He gripped back at her body with great urgency.

"Oh, Hawkeye… I wanted to drive there to be with you at the trial, but I wouldn't have made it in time. I am so sorry. I promise I will never leave again at the same time as Colonel Potter, okay?"

"Just never leave. Period."

They stopped hugging and she finally got a full view of him in his dress uniform. The cut suited his broad shoulders and tall lean figure. Winking at him, she yanked his tie out of the jacket and ran her fingers along it. "I never saw you in this. You look really nice, you know?"

"I still hope I won't need it again anytime soon." Hawkeye said, his eyes dropping to the floor.

Claudia released his tie, laying her right hand softly on his cheek and waiting for him to meet her eyes. A few seconds later, his kind blue eyes looked at her. Lightly caressing his cheek, she smiled.

"Hawkeye, I hope you know that I would never ever let them hurt you."

"You wouldn't have a choice, Claudia."

"I know a lot of very important people, Hawk. I could have had the case dismissed if they hadn't pushed it forward in their schedule."

He took one step towards her, grateful for her closeness. "Boy, do I know to make friends with the right woman…" This time it was him who initiated the hug. It was only brief, but very intense. "Beej is organizing a post-court-martial party for me in the Swamp, you wanna join us?"

"Yeah, I'll finish here and be right there."

Turning to the door, he prepared to leave.

"Hawkeye?"

"Yes, my dear?" He turned back to her.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but…" She put her hands on his shoulders, lifted herself on her toes and pressed her lips to his. "That was for good luck."

It was just a light peck, their lips made contact only for a split second, but it made Hawkeye's heart race even more. His lips started tingling after she pulled away. He thanked her, which was an odd thing to say, but it probably would have been odder to leave without saying anything.

* * *

The PA system announced new wounded in the compound. Hawkeye and Claudia were on the helicopter pad, deciding which patients should go first. Two of them were in shock and needed transfusions before getting their turn in the OR. Another one had a broken arm and a few cracked ribs, but the last one had a pretty bad chest wound, so Hawkeye stayed with him during the jeep ride down to camp. He was going to go first. Claudia gave a few instructions to the nurses and corpsmen and continued with the triage. Two buses full with injured soldiers needed to be evaluated.

It was about two weeks since Smilin' Jack was sent home and the new pilot, although being quite alright, was no match for Jack's trading capabilities. A lot of people were missing some hard-to-get supplies around Korea.

Claudia's OR round started with a long line of horrible belly wounds. She had to resect miles of intestines and take out one kidney that was so damaged, it resembled a suspicious hamburger meat. Another case had thirteen holes in his bladder and the next one had half a liver gone. None of them were guaranteed a survival at this point.

After the ninth patient, a North Korean soldier landed on Claudia's table. "Hey, this one still has his trousers on."

The two corpsmen looked at her. "We are just delivering, ma'am." One of them said.

"Father, can you help us here?" Claudia summoned the Padre, who started to take off the soldier's uniform trousers. A cap with a big red star on it felt down into a pool of blood on the floor, catching Claudia's eye. Her heart sank and although he tried to calm down, she started to shake.

"Hawkeye?" Claudia tried to catch his attention. "I need you to switch with me."

"Chest case?" Hawkeye said examining the new patient on his table.

"No, just come here and take this one, please."

Hawkeye looked confused, but didn't say anything. The business was too fast to get into this now. People were exchanging odd looks, but no one commented. Both Hawkeye and Claudia called for new gloves and changed tables. Hawkeye's former patient had two pieces of shrapnel lodged deep in his thigh and was bleeding profusely. She could feel Hawkeye's eyes on her, whenever he had a free second.

This OR session, more than any other, had exhausted Claudia. Afterwards she tried to slip out the scrub room before Hawkeye came in, but it just wasn't her lucky day.

"Hey, what's up with you? Why couldn't you operate on that North Korean?"

"Good for you, Colonel. I also hate to help those Reds." Frank's voice cut through the tense atmosphere. Tossing the dirty operating clothes in the bin Claudia turned to Frank quickly.

"They're still people, Major. We are operating on people, whatever the uniform." Claudia retorted angrily over her shoulder as she ran out.

Hawkeye tried to catch up with Claudia before she had a chance to disappear somewhere, but Nurse King had a question about one patient. When he got out the building, she was nowhere to be found. Pretty confident to find her there, he headed to her tent.

* * *

Claudia sat on her cot crying as silently as she was able to, her body was shaking violently with every sob. She wanted to run her fingers through her hair, but discovered she left the surgical hat on. She pulled it down and put it next to her on the bed.

Someone was trying to get into the tent, but she remembered to lock it before collapsing in tears. "Claudia, it's me. Are you alright?" Hawkeye called, obviously distressed by her behavior.

"I am fine, please go away." Despite her assurance her voice clearly showed she was not fine.

"I am not leaving until we talk. Let me in. I am worried!" He raised his voice quite loudly and drew attention from passers-by. For about a minute nothing happened, then there was a click and the doors swung open.

"What do you want?" She stood there with her arms crossed, her red-rimmed eyes fixed on him. He quickly slipped through the little gap between the door frame and Claudia, not wanting to give her time to shut him out. He sat on her bunk, throwing one leg over the other.

"What was the patient exchange about, Claudia?" Without a word, she walked to her foot locker, got two beers and handed him one. He thanked her, opening her bottle and then his. Sitting down in the chair, she nodded in acknowledgment.

Looking at him hesitantly, she warned him. "It's a long story, I don't know where to start." Taking a gulp from her beer, she tried to gather her strength to tell a story that hadn't been told before. His eyes were glued to her face.

"As you know, I studied medicine in England, where my father worked as a diplomat and a political advisor. I have spent most of my life there as well, but I was born in a small European country called Czechoslovakia. It neighbors Austria and Germany, so you can imagine how the history has been playing out for our little nation.

My father's understanding of the region became more important with the rapidly rising political tension. Even after our own allies sold us out to Hitler in 1938 in Munich, he never for a second thought about giving up. He continued working with our exiled government that eventually was recognized by Western powers. In the beginning of 1946 we returned home, because my father was supposed to help with the post-war reorganization. But it wasn't the same country we left all those years before. I mean, from what I've been told. I hadn't lived in Czechoslovakia since I was about nine years old, so my memories were in short supply. Still, unlike in the early thirties, people's sentiment was now clearly inclined towards the East. When people were talking about the liberation of the country, your army's contribution was talked about less and less. And then suddenly it was simply omitted.

After the Communists had gotten 38% of votes in the election of 1946, no one was that worried. They alienated enough voters in the next two or so years that everyone expected them to be soundly defeated in 1948 general election and that would be that. Two disastrous world wars later and people were still so naïve. After some threats and illegal extensions of already given powers and with the Red Army standing by just in case, an all communist government was appointed. The only senior minister who wasn't under the Communist Party's official or unofficial control was found dead after he fell in his pyjamas from a third-floor window just two weeks later. There was a strong suspicion that he was murdered and if he was, my father might be next. Our family had enough friends left to get out of the country before that happened. But we had to leave Adam behind. My little brother.

After some time in England, we decided to go to the United States. You see, even though my father spent so much of his time arguing for peace, he was engineer by training and spent a lot of time designing weapon systems. And your country was tremendously interested in that. After many exhausting and sometimes humiliating in-depth interviews regarding the most personal and intimate details of our lives back in Europe, we were let it your country and given new identities. My mother and I began working in a hospital while my dad traveled so much we didn't see him for months at a time. My mum was the best nurse I ever met. She was so sweet and compassionate, always helping others. Unfortunately, it became all too clear that even the best nursing skills could not save a life sometimes. She died of cancer a year after we got to America. With my dad gone all the time, I volunteered to come to Korea soon after the first shots were fired. Well, in the beginning I was stationed in a hospital in Tokyo and helped elsewhere only during the flu epidemic.

Do you remember the North Korean you brought after you found your way back from the 38th Parallel Medical Conference? He heard a story about a young man named Novak who was brought to North Korea from somewhere in Europe by the Communists to better their weapon manufacturing. He was shot dead trying to defect. It must have been Adam. He was in the same field as my father used to be, of course they would have forced him to work on weapons. He was so smart, such a brilliant thinker.

You know every time we get a North Korean soldier, I see the uniform my brother probably wore when he was killed, trying to get the life I got to enjoy. Every time I wonder if this is the one who shot him. I just… He was my little brother. He should have gotten out, not me."

"NO. Na-ah." Hawkeye finally broke the silence. He didn't want to interrupt her story, because he understood that stories like that do not get told often. They had to be earned. So he just kept drinking his beer in silence, carefully listening. He didn't want to give her any reason to stop talking. Claudia didn't cry when she talked. In fact, she didn't really display any emotion. It seemed like she was far away from there, staring into space and just automatically reciting. But when she finished, Hawkeye could see the tears in her eyes that she so desperately tried to prevent from falling.

"It was supposed to be me, Hawkeye. Father planned to get all of us out of the country, if there was the opportunity, of course, but if it wasn't possible, he preferred to save my brother. He knew what could have happened if Adam had stayed. And he was right about that."

Hawkeye took the beer bottle from her hands and put it on the table. Not letting go of her hand, he tugged on it so long, until he got her to sit next to him.

**Over 30,000 words! Changed rating to T, but there probably will be a few rated M or MA. In that case I will specify it in the beginning of the chapter.**

**Next up: Hawkeye gets a surprising visit from the past as in the episode **_**The More I See You**_** and Chinese join the war in **_**Deluge**_**.**


	16. Human Connections

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to the episode **_**The More I See You**_**.**

**Carlye Walton disrupts Hawkeye's routine life in the 4077.**

"Uh… Hey Hawk." Claudia hesitantly entered the Swamp right after the new nurse walked out. "Are you okay?" Hawkeye gulped down his drink and pour one more for him, another for Claudia and handed it to her.

"Why wouldn't I be?" His eyes were so cold when he looked at her, his stare sent shivers down her spine. Sitting down swiftly on his bunk, he proceeded to stare at the floor. Claudia was inspecting him with her piercing glare and he didn't feel like being psychoanalyzed right now.

"I didn't want to listen, but you both spoke rather loudly. Plus your heart breaking could be heard miles away."

"It's not so bad…" He said, his voice trailing off.

"You look like a lost puppy, darling." He absolutely did. His shoulders were hunched as he subconsciously tried to hide his face from her, so she couldn't read the pain that was painted all over his face. His blue eyes lacked the spark that usually lighten them up. He looked like the personification of sadness.

"How long were you together?" Claudia asked, taking a sip of her drink.

"Three years, living together for a year and a half."

"Never got over her?" His eyes were still mostly staring at the floor.

"Yeah… I screwed up, you know. I should have married her when I had the chance."

"It didn't sound like that was the only reason she left." Claudia finished her drink, putting the glass next to the still. "Let me ask you this – was the reason you didn't ask her because you felt you had nothing to offer or was there something else?"

"I don't know."

"You don't need to tell me. You need to clear it with yourself, though."

"I don't speak to myself right now."

"Be careful, Hawkeye…" She rose to her feet. It was clear he didn't want company and definitely didn't feel like talking to someone.

"What do you mean?" He met her eyes in an intense emotional stare.

"She's married and I'd hate to see you get hurt." As she left, he let out a little annoyed groan and that was it for their conversation.

Claudia and Hawkeye didn't see much of each other in the next couple of days. They got a lot of wounded and some pretty serious cases plus she had a night shift, so it wasn't unusual. But after that, it became clear to Claudia that Hawkeye was avoiding her and the reason became pretty clear to her, too.

At first, Hawkeye was brushing off Carlye's attempts to be nice by sarcastic wisecracks and icy remarks. Sometimes people in the OR were worried they might start cutting into each other and not the patients. Claudia once even took him aside in the scrub room and told him not to bring his baggage into the OR. But she didn't have to worry about that for long. Hawkeye and Carlye became more relaxed in each other's company and after a while it looked like much more than just relaxed relationship. And that's when he started to avoid Claudia.

Then there was the incident in the mess tent. It wasn't really an incident to speak of, comparing to everything else that had happened in 4077 during the duration of the war – fist fights, mortar and shelling attacks. Nonetheless it made Hawkeye sprint out of the mess tent after angrily shouting at Claudia to mind her own business, even though he originally asked for her opinion. And if he was avoiding her before, after that he completely ignored her.

* * *

"How are you, Claudia?" BJ said after noticing her enter Swamp.

"Ok. You?"

"Alright. Hawk's not here."

"I know. That is the main reason I am."

"Sorry. Drink?"

"No, thanks." Claudia sat next to BJ, sighing. "I am fine, but I worry about him."

"Me too. But he seems to be enjoying himself." BJ shrugged and poured alcohol in his glass.

"For now, anyway. What are you doing?"

"Trying to write home, but struggling to find the words. I could use some help…" Looking at the blank page in front of him, he took a sip.

"Well, I am not sure how much time I have. I promised Colonel Potter he could paint me."

"Oh, he finally persuaded you!"

"Yeah. But to be fair I can't think of anything suitable for a letter home. It all has been pretty grim recently."

"Tell me about it." She knew what he was referring to. About three days ago he lost a patient that was in his care. Although everybody knew it would require a miracle for this patient to survive, BJ never gave up. He stayed with him in Post-Op trying till the last minute. What made it worse was that the patient regained consciousness for a few hours before succumbing to his injuries. His name was Paul Burray and he came from a small Nevada town. He left a wife and a small girl behind. A girl about Erin's age that would never remember her father.

"BJ, you did what you could. His kidneys were completely gone the minute he came in here."

"Knowing that doesn't help."

"I know. How about some darts?"

"Sure, why not?" He knew she only asked to distract him from his dead patient, but he didn't mind. He welcomed the distraction. Since Hawkeye was spending all of his spare time outside the Swamp and Frank was helping out in the nearby village, he was usually left alone with his thoughts.

In the end they threw about four darts before the fifth one almost ended in Klinger.

"Hello, doctors! Are you so bored you make yourself new patients?" BJ and Claudia both said sorry, before Klinger continued. "Colonel, I put the dress Colonel Potter chose in your tent."

"Huh? Is he going to paint me or marry me?"

* * *

Playing twenty questions with BJ didn't really soothe his mind. He felt as if he'd been run over by a tank and now the whole enemy army was marching over his half-dead body, one soldier after another. Claudia had been right as she usually was, she was just looking out for him. Yet he was too stubborn to see it at the time.

He yearned for anyone or anything that reminded him of his homeland ever since he dropped his things in the Swamp for the first time. And Carlye was that something. The way she looked at him with her sweet blue eyes, the way her hair smelled of vanilla when he took her in his arms and the way she tasted sent him to a new level of ecstasy. For a little while he could pretend he was not living in hell, working to repair mutilated bodies so they can be used as a weapon again. He could forget everything else and just lose himself in the sensation of Carlye, her and all the memories of her.

His mind was fighting his body's urge to run to Claudia and talk it over ever since he was forced to hug Carlye goodbye. He needed Claudia's serene reasonable presence that always calmed him down. But this tranquility was now unavailable to him. He definitely wouldn't be welcomed after how he'd behaved. She expressly told him not to bother her when he'd eventually end up alone and broken-hearted. And that's how he ended up. All alone with his talent and dedication.

He needed to make it up to her. Toying with a few ideas of how to apologize, he sank in his cot, closing his eyes and thinking it through. The choices were limited, everything was hard to come by in Korea. After much consideration he settled on the classic. He will leave some flowers for her with a handwritten note inviting her for a drink at Rosie's or the Officers' Club. That way it will be a nice gesture, but he won't be around if Claudia decides to reject his peace offering.

At least that was the plan anyway. He attached the short letter to the bouquet with a red ribbon and grabbed a little hook from supply, so he could hang it on the tent sign spelling Claudia's name. He got up very early especially for this, not wanting to be seen and having to explain what he was doing to anyone.

"Good morning, you fink. If you have something to say, say it to my face." He heard her voice while he was crouching behind her tent. Slowly he rose to his feet, his figure catching her eye. He walked over to her, took hold of the flowers and handed them to her.

She was already dressed in her army greens even though it was so early. Her disheveled hair was shining bright in the morning light. It suddenly occurred to him how little they saw of each other these past few weeks. Weren't they supposed to be friends?

Probably the last time he saw her was in Colonel Potter's painting that was now hanging proudly in his office. He captured her essence so accurately, it looked almost like a photograph. She was wearing a long green dress. But not the tired greyish green that army put everywhere, but fresh lively green that tightly hugged the curves of her body and accented her shiny red hair. Colonel Potter even got the color of her long red hair precisely right. It always reminded Hawkeye of the color of strong and spicy red wine, the good quality stuff, not what they drank in Korea.

"So?" She interrupted his silent contemplation. Realizing that he was just standing there, silently gawking at her, he cleared his throat.

"Claudia, can I talk to you?"

"I don't know, can you?" She raised her eyebrows, smiling at him, mildly amused.

"I… I am sorry. I know I owe you an apology, but I just can't find the words…"

"Alright, stiff tongue. Come in for a talk." She nodded to her tent's door and walked in after him. After liberating the letter from the ribbon, she put the flowers in a cup she normally drank from.

He started nervously pacing back and forth once inside, uncertain if he should sit in the chair or on the bed or just stand. Never in his life was he so conscious of every choice, every little movement he made. Claudia was silently observing his unsure behavior, giggling a little.

"How are you feeling, Hawkeye?"

"I might need help getting a conversation started, but let's not talk about that right now. Or ever."

"That bad, huh? Sit down." She patted her bed next to spot where she was sitting. He slowly parked his body there.

"Despite what they taught us, I continue living even without my heart present as it was ripped out of my chest and tossed in a ditch."

"Then you are a miracle of medicine in more than one way… You surging surgeon."

"I am sorry about how I behaved. I would hate to think I caused our friendship to be permanently damaged."

"We are fine. I expected you to crawl back to me soon or later…" She said it with a great big grin on her face, but at the same time gripped his hand, trying to reassure him it'll all be fine. He quivered at the touch. "Look, I wasn't born yesterday. I know people in love aren't known for their rationality, but I would never lie to you. You asked for my opinion and I gave it."

"And I want you to know I appreciate your honesty. As well as your friendship. You are quite a woman."

"Well, thank you…" She started, but their conversation was cut short by the arrival of new wounded. After agreeing to talk later, they ran out of the tent. Before you could finish saying _stupid police action_, Hawkeye and Claudia were elbow-deep in someone's chest.

* * *

They resumed their talk almost exactly 40 hours later, after all the wounded were taken care of and everyone got some much deserved sleep. Hawkeye showed at her doorstep with half-full bottle of scotch in his hand and wide smile on his lips. She opened him dressed only in her pyjamas and robe, trembling slowly in the breeze when the door was opened. Handing her the bottle, he did a little curtsy. After a quick rummaged around, she found two glasses and poured the drinks.

This time he sat down on her bed right away and made himself comfortable. They started talking about some of the patients in Post-Op, they had a couple of really complicated cases there right now. But soon, with the help of alcohol, the conversation got more personal. Hawkeye asked about her past relationships, since she knew a lot about his. After telling him a few stories that involved kissing on cheeks and watching movies during her high school years, she paused for a moment to fill their glasses again.

"What about more recently? Any boys left with just fond memories of you and a heart in million little pieces?"

"After the life I've had, I try very hard to forget them. Many of them are probably not alive now."

"Sorry… I had no idea." Hawkeye said softly.

"The only one I know about, his name was Steven, was shot down during the last month of the Second World War. He didn't even live to see the armistice." She drank from her glass with a sad look on her face. Hawkeye heard her sigh quietly. "He was so looking forward to fly commercially, not dropping bombs and shooting at other planes. He loved flying so much… We spent the most wonderful days in the Scottish countryside. It didn't rain often, it was probably some sort of record, so we used to take these long walks and talk about everything and anything at the same time." She smiled, but more from melancholy than happiness. "We were together for only four months before he had to report for his training, but to us it seemed like eternity. We planned on marrying right after the war ended."

Her voice trailed off and Hawkeye for once didn't know what to say. He wanted to break the silence and make her think about something else, but no words seemed to fit the situation.

"Claudia?" He said to catch her attention again. She seemed to check out for a few moments, looking absent-mindedly into the distance.

"Oh, yeah. I am sorry. I was just thinking about Steve… You know, you remind me of him. He also cared very deeply about people. And his warm personality and playful sense of humor always made him the center of everyone's attention." At first it didn't occur to her that she was basically comparing Hawkeye to her fiancé. But then he brain caught up with her mouth and she went silent.

"I wouldn't praise me so much… It might go to my head and I have too much of a mess up there already."

"Steve also liked to cover up his feelings with jokes…"

He looked up from his drink to meet her gaze. Once again she was studying him as if he was lying under her microscope glass. He gave her a little timid smile. There was a question that was nagging him for a while, but he was too afraid to ask sober.

"Do you think less of me because of what happened?" She turned to him. They were sitting on her bunk with their back against the tent canvas. He was looking sternly on his hands in his lap.

"With Carlye? No, of course not." She took his hands in hers, rubbing them gently. His eyes flew up to look at her.

"Really?" They silently kept looking into each other's eyes, Claudia smiling lightly and Hawkeye frowning intensely.

"Really. As I see it she is the reason you have these colossus commitment issues. You're afraid to get hurt again. That is perfectly natural."

"But I seduced her. I mean, I initialized the first kiss knowing damn well she was married."

"She was the one who promised herself to someone else. She was the one who broke that promise. I am not saying what you did was right, but you're not the only one at fault here. Why would you think that?" Claudia said without any hesitation. She was surprised Hawkeye felt so guilty and still defended Carlye. "Look, we shouldn't be talking about this. It is crystal clear you still care for her and I don't want us to end up not talking to each other again because of something I say."

"There's nothing you could possibly say that will make me ignore you again. What I did was really stupid."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Alright. But remember what you promised." She took a deep breath and then continued, looking him straight in the eye. "I don't care what problems you two had. Just running away is cowardly, cruel and just plain wrong. I can't believe you wanted to have anything to do with her after that."

"You have no idea how happy we were back in the day. I don't think I've ever been that happy."

"You don't have to justify your feelings to me, sweetheart. I just want you to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect."

"I know, I know…" Hawkeye sighed loudly.

Claudia's distaste for Carlye has been turning to real hate for what she did to Hawkeye. He looked like a lost little boy, devoid of his usual playfulness and self-assurance. It was breaking her heart. She gave him the bottle so he could refill his glass. He poured some in her glass as well. Instead of handing it back to her, he got up and put the bottle on the table himself.

"I'll always end up alone, won't I?" He had his back to her, head tilted down.

She stood up and walked over to him, shocked by his question. Reaching over, she caressed his back gently. He leaned into the contact, trying to relax, but still didn't turn around. "Wow! She really messed you up." She pulled him into a tight hug as he finally faced her. Immediately he hugged her back, his arms clinging to her body like his life depended on it.

Claudia still felt uncomfortable with Hawkeye so distressed. She never would have imagined those were his thoughts. Somehow it didn't occur to her he would be so worried about his future family life. She underestimated his mind greatly.

"Hawkeye, let's go sit down." She led him back to the bed and they sat down. "Listen. You and Carlye were never going to work, no matter how crazy you were about each other. You wanted completely different things. Putting all other qualities or faults aside, your instinct to heal and help people is such an intrinsic part of who you are, your future partner should understand it is a gift." She moved closer to him, taking hold of his hands. She saw him taking special interest in her right palm, staring at it, tracing the scar where the rib of a patient once punctured her hand. His touch was especially gentle then.

Their talk lasted for hours, long into the night. When they were saying goodbye, standing near the door, Hawkeye suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Claudia, do you remember when I returned from my court-martial and you kissed me for good luck?"

"Yeah."

He walked even closer to her and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. Leaning forward a little, he pulled her in for a kiss. Stunned by his actions, it took time for her to respond. Unlike the kiss she gave him, this one was longer and more sensual. They moved their lips slowly, reveling in the contact. The quiet was interrupted by their muffled moans. Claudia was running her fingers in his soft black hair while he was holding her firmly around the waist.

"Since it hasn't brought me any luck, I thought Ï return it." With that, Hawkeye made his exit and left her standing there in shock.


	17. Drenched in Rainwater, Blood and Tears

**Please review. You will make a tired writer/student very happy.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to the episode **_**Deluge**_**.**

Claudia heard Frank's whining even before she entered scrub room. As usual he acted as if he was the only one inconvenienced by the circumstances. As if everybody else got a kick out of twenty-something-hour operating sessions. Somebody else was there as well, talking back to Frank.

"If it's a police action, why don't they send cops?" It was BJ's voice she heard. He and Hawkeye were already dressed for work, furiously scrubbing the dust of Korea of their hands.

"Everybody decent?" Claudia shouted before entering.

"We all are dressed up to dance if that's what you mean. But with Frank here we are not big on decency…" Hawkeye answered, smiling behind his face mask. They didn't talk about the kiss they shared, which didn't really surprise Claudia. For all his kindness and compassion, Hawkeye had a habit of running away from his feelings. For once it was all fine with her.

"If this is a police action, I am a flying lobster…" Claudia sighed and took her jacket of. Hanging it on a hook on the wall, she proceeded to unbutton another layer of her clothing.

"If you ever land, find me. I cometh from the country of lobster, I'll know what to do with you." Hawkeye said, lewdly raising his eyebrows, before they all left Claudia to change.

"Save your energy. We got a lot of bad cases coming up." Claudia shouted in response, getting into the white costume of a surgeon.

It wasn't long before she joined them in the OR and a few moments after that Colonel Potter showed up as well. He still didn't get a clear answer from HQ about what they might expect in the near future and was very grumpy about it. There were rumors of ceasefire going around, but no one would touch them with thirty foot pole.

As BJ noted the South Koreans they operated on were getting younger. No two way about it. It was making otherwise tragic situation even more dreadful. Not only were you seeing horrible belly wound as he did right in front of him now, but the bodies that were delivered on the operating tables hadn't even had a chance to live before they got a chance to die.

Trying to expose a bleeder, BJ got showered by blood at one point. Father Mulcahy rushed to irrigate his eyes and Colonel Potter took over. Hawkeye checked if BJ was alright and then called for retraction. He was dealing with a very serious chest wound and the patient's pulse was weakening. He had to work fast.

Claudia started with two chest cases that weren't as bad as it originally looked. It was a good things that they were first in line for a table, because they were still in grave danger, but once she got in their chests, she found the hearts intact and functioning normally. The profuse bleeding came from elsewhere and in both cases she was able to reconstruct the damage in time. The boy next in line wasn't so lucky.

At some point, when BJ was handling triage, Hawkeye took a two minute break. But they both were gone over half an hour, because most of the arriving soldiers had phosphorous burns that needed to be dealt with. By the time they made it back, there was a good pint of blood splashing around in Claudia's boots. Hawkeye started singing once again when he cut into his next patient. Frank shouted at him to stop.

"Continue, Hawk, or I'll fall sleep and fall into my patient." Claudia said, cutting off the litany of Frank's objections as she called for more sponges.

"Thank you, my dear Colonel Rester." Hawkeye's singy-songy voice echoed in the busy OR. "Any requests?"

Another batch of wounded was announced and Claudia went to perform triage, so she missed Hawkeye's performance anyway. Colonel Potter handled the first triage, both of the wounded on the two buses and those boys who were driven on the ambulance from the upper helicopter pad. BJ handled the triage of soldiers with the phosphorous burns and Hawkeye helped then, so she volunteered to go. It was better to oversee it than having to rely on Frank's judgement.

She just finished triage on the bus and was walking over to check the patients on the ground. The compound was again flooded with wounded, they were lying on stretchers everywhere and jeeps were bringing more and more. One of the new wounded was dead on arrival, all she could do was call over Father Mulcahy. That was when she heard the announcement.

"Attention, all personnel. According to Supreme Headquarters, the Army of the People's Republic of China has hit and ruptured the entire United Nations line. The Chinese have attacked with 33 divisions. That's 300 000 men, folks! According to headquarters, we now face an entirely new war."

Her eyes watered as if they had been given a direct order to. She started shaking a little and not because of the light clothing she wore that was not capable of providing enough warmth. It was because of the realization that she will not see the end of this war. Who knows if anyone here will? It hit her like a solid wave of desperation, knocking the breath out of her.

She never would have imagined leaving the world not knowing that the war ended and most people were safely back at home. But this was not the time for deep contemplation. "Klinger, this one goes first!" Claudia pointed at the man lying unconscious at her feet. Klinger and Private Adle got him on the board and carried him inside. The OR sounded like a busy hive.

"…We'll obliterate them all!" And with that Frank completed his motivational speech, putting more clamps in his patient to stop the bleeding. Hawkeye was still running around in the compound, prioritizing the most urgent cases. It was difficult, this time around they were all pretty serious. Claudia didn't even make it into the scrub room again, there was so many wounded and so many of them in such a bad shape. She stayed outside and tried to keep the injured from dying before they make it to an operating table. Some of them were in shock and needed to be given transfusions before the operation, so they waited in Pre-Op, but most needed help as soon as possible. With Hawkeye and Claudia working outside the OR, the others were operating without a break. It was becoming increasingly clear no one would be resting for a very long time.

"All 600 million, Frank?" BJ wanted to know, his voice heavy with fatigue.

"Most of them don't wanna be Reds anyway." Frank barked back at him.

"So why kill 'em?"

"Well, they can't have it both ways."

After Potter warned Burns about neglecting contaminated wounds, Radar came in. With so many injured, there were forced to utilize the mess tent and even Officers' Club. They were running low on everything except wounded and exhaustion. Radar slipped in the bus where blood was pouring onto the ground and gathering in puddles, running down the stairs that led out. His glasses shattered, giving him much obstructed view of the surroundings.

Pretty soon Claudia was drenched in blood. Her originally white surgical clothing was now in places light pink, but mostly dark scarlet. Hawkeye went into surgery now, but she wasn't able to leave yet. New wounded kept arriving as if there was no tomorrow.

* * *

By the order of Colonel Potter everyone got a thirty minute break. The worst cases had been handled and frankly the personnel couldn't keep functioning without some rest for much longer. After he took shower which was interrupted by an angry Major, he talked to Claudia about the situation. He was concerned about the safety of his people. It was standard practice to send the nurses away in cases much less dangerous than this.

After talking to him, Claudia was supposed to inform Margaret of the decision and discuss the details. She found Major Houllihan in her tent, eating an improvised sandwich.

"Major, we need to talk. Colonel Potter and I talked over the situation. He is doubting his decision to let the nurses stay."

"I can look after my nurses! There is no way…"

"Let me finish, Major. Colonel Potter put me in charge of the evacuation of your nurses. I convinced him to let you stay for the moment. But I need you and all of the nurses to understand there are no guarantees now and when it comes to it, I need them to follow my orders whatever they may be without hesitation."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you."

She headed to the kitchen next, where BJ, Hawkeye and the Padre were making some awful sandwiches. She walked in just as BJ split a sandwich in two with big meat knife.

"Trying to lose some fingers so you can go home, boys?" Both Hawkeye and him grabbed their half of the sandwich and devour it in seconds.

"I am not so good with sharp objects to hit what I aim for." BJ shrugged their shoulders and smiled.

"Just what you want to hear from a doctor…" Claudia laughed, her body all aching and tired.

"I always wanted to be a ballerina, medicine is just a hobby."

"You wanted to be one or have one?" Claudia inquired and then paused because she remembered who was present. "Sorry, Father."

"Here, make yourself a sandwich before it's all gone." Hawkeye handed Claudia the bread and gestured towards the marmalade.

Claudia was half-way through her sandwich, when the PA announced new wave of injured. They all sprinted out of the kitchen, Claudia finishing her meal on the way. Colonel Potter was already sorting out the wounded when they got there. Hawkeye was sent straight to the OR and Claudia hopped in a jeep that took her to the helicopter pad. Two helis arrived as of yet with two injured soldiers each. She shouted orders regarding giving plasma and whole blood to particular patients, which patients had to go straight to OR and which part of whose bodies needed to get X-rayed. More helicopters landed shortly, so the process was repeated all over before she could get into one of the jeeps that was driving slowly down the muddy road.

The situation was desperate. If Radar doesn't find some plasma soon, all of their medical knowledge will be in vain. As if it wasn't enough, rain started pouring down, pounding on the roofs of tents and buses, soaking the 4077 personnel as well as the wounded. Everybody worked hard to get the wounded inside, but there were so many of them, even the mess tent and Officers' Club wasn't sufficient. They started to use the Klinger's and Father Mulcahy's tent, then moved to Colonel Potter's. The rain was getting stronger and stronger, whipping everything in sight. The gauze and bandages of the injured soldiers were completely drenched in rainwater before the wounded got to Pre-Op, where the floor was a slippery affair of rainwater mixed with crimson blood. Every once in a while a lightning illuminated the horrific scene and a thunder cut through the busied camp.

They ran out of clean gloves, so doctors now operated bare-handed. It was entirely different feeling to immerse your bare hands into someone's torso and hold their insides without the protection of the latex, running your fingers along the outline of a heart or feel a human liver against your skin.

Claudia was running around Pre-Op, trying to do everything herself. Getting plasma and whole blood into the patients, checking the vital signs to decide which ones were stable enough to survive surgery was one thing, but she also had to deal with soldiers screaming in pain because she couldn't keep up with so many of them. She administered sedatives and pain relief as quickly as she could, but couldn't skip the preliminary check-up in case they couldn't be put under just yet. Agonizing wails sounded all around her, cutting deep into her. After about an hour, Klinger and another corpsman came to help. They didn't even have enough boards to carry the wounded, so sometimes they had to carry wounded in their arms.

Radar suddenly shouted to get Klinger's attention and they both turned their attention to something outside Pre-Op. Claudia tightened a bandage wrapped around a sergeant's torso and went to see what was so urgent. She noticed Frank and Margaret looking out of the OR and then her eyes landed on what everyone was so concerned about. A fire with so much ether in OR was putting everyone in grave danger.

"Stand back." She shouted and rolled the laundry bin outside into the rain, protecting her hands only with a blanket she snatched from Klinger. Hissing with pain, she watched the burning laundry soaking with rain and mud on the ground. She wasn't burned, but the rigged side of the bin cut her arm as it fell. Now it was her blood trickling down her hand.

"I'm alright, Klinger get some alcohol and a bandage. Radar, get the sandwiches to the OR. We're good in here." Klinger brought the items she wanted. Claudia clenched her jaw to prevent herself from screaming when Klinger poured the alcohol over her hand. She barely finished bandaging her hand when an explosion shook their surroundings. She was closer to the door than Klinger, so the shock wave hit her harder. The windows in the door shattered, throwing the glass or whatever cheap material it was in their direction. The door themselves shifted a little with one half stuck opened.

She was lying on the floor with her hand next to Klinger's feet, trying to breathe. She must have hit the ground hard, her head was spinning and as a souvenir she received a big headache. There were loud screams coming from the directions of OR, she hoped everybody was alright in there.

Forcing her aching body to move, she rose to her feet. Klinger did the same just a second later, gasping with shock. "Are you ok, ma'am?" She heard him ask. For all his crazy shenanigans, he always did his job with extra care and empathy to those who like him were thrown into this hell.

"I am fine. You?" She laid a hand on his shoulder to steady herself a little. He was wearing warm thick blue dress that was very soft to one's touch.

"I think I am okay. But crazy about getting out of here as usual."

They found two wounded corpsmen in front of the doors. One had a piece of metal lodged in his thigh and another's arm was broken when he was thrown against a wall. Both were conscious and screaming with pain. War sucks so hard!

* * *

Hawkeye and BJ were sitting in the Swamp, not moving, just staring into the distance. Still dressed in bloody surgical gowns, they silently listened to Frank's snoring. How did their lives become this tragic? The PA system announced the 4077 got some award and no one could care less.

BJ was the first to stand up and force himself to go get a shower. Hawkeye stayed in his place, hunched over in his chair, trembling with weariness. Claudia's rest was delayed by a patient developing complications, so she remained in Post-Op for another forty minutes to monitor his condition and tell the nurses what to watch out for. "I think we stitched up more soldiers than there are people on Earth…" She said as goodbye, sighing afterwards.

When she walked in the Swamp, Hawkeye was slow to react to her presence, but he did look up when she took his hand. Leading him through the empty camp was a very silent affair, everyone was probably catching up on sleep. They didn't speak at all. He didn't even ask about the bandage on her arm.

After entering her tent, she untied his face mask and surgical gown and gently helped him out of them. His half-closed eyes showed only a little of the beautiful blue she always liked to admire. For a moment he thought she would disrobe him completely, but she stopped when he was in his shorts and a t-shirt.

Looking at each other, they stood a few inches apart. His hand came up to lightly caress her cheek, wiping the tears away. Her eyes dropped to the floor for a second and then darted to the bed. They were both dead on their feet. They were very close, no doubt about that, and right now they needed each other's company more than ever. After the events of the past few days they needed some sort of reassurance, the comfort of human touch, anything…

Understanding this wasn't sexual, Hawkeye laid himself on his side, back to the tent canvas, leaving as much space for her as possible. She took of her bloody surgical clothes and completely spent collapsed next to him. He wrapped his left hand around her, pulling her closer to his chest. Claudia resumed quietly sobbing into his shirt and shaking lightly with each sob.

They fell asleep quickly, overwhelmed by all they had to endure recently.


	18. Exposed

**Rating – M, to be safe. Some descriptions of violent nature, nothing too graphic.**

**Please ****review****. You will make my day :-) .**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains quotes from and references to the episodes **_**The Interview**_** and **_**The Bug Out**_**.**

Hawkeye jolted awake due to a loud noise that came from outside and found Claudia's hair tickling him on his cheek. During their sleep session she snuggled into his warm embrace even more and he draped his left leg over hers at that time. He shifted a little and moved the offending leg, simultaneously brushing away the locks of her hair out of his face. They were tangled up so tightly together, they probably should have used protection…

The tent was now silent, the only sound he heard being her heartbeat. He was also able to feel her chest rising and falling against him. She looked so fragile, clinging to him tenaciously and occasionally sighing loudly in her sleep. They were both still covered in dust and probably some dried blood as well. Oh, the joys of wartime.

It broke his heart seeing her cry and not being able to do anything to soothe her. He felt completely helpless when she was watering his shirt in unbelievable anguish and all he could do was hold her, whispering words of comfort.

All of a sudden she fussed a little, mumbling something. Studying her face he wondered if she was waking up. No. She merely grabbed a handful of his shirt and pressed herself against him again. Realizing he was holding his breath, he slowly exhaled. He should definitely try to fall asleep again, who knows when they might have to rodeo again. The PA system could sound anytime.

Once more being incredibly close to her body, he reflected upon all the things she confessed about her past. It's possible she doesn't have anyone left in this world. His chest constricted with the thought. He wouldn't be able to live without knowing his dad was safely in Crabapple Cove. Having something to come back to when this nightmare was over kept him grounded. He was full of admiration for her strength. He never met anyone like her. She responded to his wisecracks with sarcastic remarks of her own, never letting him off the hook when he'd gone too far. She was caring, but extremely tough when she had to be. She gave him a hug or stern talking to depending on what was needed.

"Hi, Hawk!" Her tired voice startled him. He looked at her, waking up slowly against his chest, noticing her smile and sleepy eyes. She moved back a little, observing him closely once her blurry vision cleared.

"Good morning, my princess. How did you sleep?" He asked quietly.

"Great. You make a really good pillow, you know." She raised her eyebrows and chuckled.

"Why are you so surprised when I am so cute and cuddly?" He put on a face, pretending to be insulted.

They both continued to lie still, their physical exhaustion not fully alleviated with one short sleep interlude. Their joints ached and their muscles burned from the endless hours of standing in surgery. The air in her tent smelled of mixture of their sweat and her usual perfume.

"You understand this war just got more horrible…" She sighed, looking at ceiling of the tent. "Chinese might not have had the technology, but they had the numbers. This could prolong the war by years, even decades."

"Never thought more horrible was a possibility." Hawkeye whispered, his voice harrowingly haunted.

They altered their position to lie on their sides, facing each other. It was difficult to do on the tiny army-issued cot. She took those long-fingered capable hands of his into hers, lightly caressing them like the treasure they were. It's been a while since she felt so close to someone. She didn't realize how much she missed him when he was ignoring her, but now it occurred to her she probably couldn't live without him.

"Claudia, I really hate it here."

"Oh, should I move?"

"No, I mean in Korea. I almost left a sponge in a patient during that last batch." Hawkeye admitted, looking at their joint hands, rubbing hers slowly. His touch was very gentle and soothing.

"The nurses count them. Or at least are supposed to…" She objected pretty loudly.

"That's why it's almost." Hawkeye cuddled up to the warm body next to him, carefully bringing her head under his chin. "I hate this impersonal meatball stick. Cutting into one patient after another, not even remembering their faces, knowing their names. I don't think I can take this much longer."

"Remember how many lives you're saving."

"Am I, though? I stitch people up and then they're just send back to the front to try to get killed again." She let go of his hands and pulled him closer. Stroking his back, she whispered softly into his ear.

"No one can control everything. All you can do is your best and you're definitely doing that, my little surgeon."

"Little? I'll show you…" He smiled, but sort of sadly.

She opened her mouth to respond, but someone knocked on the tent's door. Lying her palm on his shoulder in reassurance, she turned her head to the exit. "Yeah?"

"Ma'am, sorry to bother you. But there's a call waiting for you. Major Sidney Freedman and he says it's urgent." Both Claudia and Hawkeye immediately recognized Radar's voice. She quickly sat up on the bed, rubbing her temples with a low sigh.

"Be right there, Radar. Go keep him entertained." After hearing Radar agree and then leave, she caught the sight of Hawkeye slowly trying to get up, his tired body protesting. "Stay here and rest. I'll be right back."

Hawkeye lied back down, closing his eyes once again. The camp outside was slowly waking back to life without his participation. Sound of footsteps hitting the hard Korean soil could be heard as people were crisscrossing the compound, trying to get to the showers and the mess tent.

Claudia returned fairly quickly and immediately started to pack her things.

"Was it something I said?" Hawkeye wondered as he watched her throwing her clothes into the army green bag.

"Sidney needs me in Tokyo and Potter agreed to let me go. I don't know what's going on, so don't ask. But it sounded really serious." She paused for a bit, looking at him. "Take care, Hawkeye."

"You're the one who'll be going through some dangerous territory. You take care." He got up from the bed, wanting to let her pack her things in peace. A honk from the jeep resonated throughout the camp, earning a few annoyed groans from those still sleeping in the next tent.

"That's my ride. Bye, Hawk." And she was gone, just like that.

He briskly walked out of her tent, watching the jeep with her and the driver until it disappeared from the view.

* * *

Claudia remained in the grips of white hot anger the whole time they were loading up the truck. She was put in charge of nurses upon her return and now was supposed to oversee the transportation of the wounded. She guessed that Colonel Potter gave her this important task to keep her busy, so she wouldn't shout at him again.

She still couldn't believe that Potter let them stay. This is war for Christ's sake. They could be on their way to a POW camp right now, the patient who they were guarding already shot dead. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest, she barely heard people talking. God, she hoped they were safe…

Taking a few deep breaths, she calmed herself down enough to at least look fine to an uninterested onlooker. But it was tearing her inside. When she agreed to help Sidney, she didn't imagine in her wildest dreams she would come back only to be informed Hawkeye, Margaret and Radar were behind enemy lines. There the prognosis wasn't very appealing.

The move was going well. In all fairness, they didn't get too settled in before they were ordered to go back. All personal effects were still packed and loaded in vehicles, just the surgical equipment needed to be repacked and the injured carefully maneuvered into the ambulances. She made an effort to keep moving and stay engaged in any activity, so her mind couldn't wondered to those three musketeers, left alone in an abandoned camp waiting for the enemy to appear.

Finally they were ready to go. Claudia was going to ride in the last bus, there was a seriously wounded soldier she was worried about and wanted to stay close in case his condition worsened en route. Claudia found out from the other nurses it was Klinger who packed her things. She was happy she bought him the materials in Tokyo.

The journey was difficult, dusty and nerve-wrecking for everyone. Claudia was sitting near the front of the bus, away from the other nurse who was on the bus. Every time she closed her eyes, there were the most atrocious images assaulting her brain. For a split second she could vividly see Hawkeye lying flat on his back, his eyes wide in shock as someone was punching him with fists so hard blood was trickling from his body. Horrendous bloody gash decorated his face just above right eye and as his eye puffed up, he was having troubles to see.

He was crying out in pain, long agonizing wails were alternated with voiceless gasping whilst his body was attacked mercilessly. He was trembling violently, trying to flinch away from the blows, always unsuccessfully in the end, but it didn't stop him from trying. His usually beautiful face was twisted in excruciating pain, sprayed with blood and smudged with dirt.

In the other nightmarish scenario she saw him striped to his skivvies with shackles around his wrists and ankles, congealed blood all over him. He lost count of how many times they cut into his already beaten body while threatening him with even more horrible things. But he didn't know anything important. He was in so much pain, he could barely hear what his interrogators were saying most of the time. Dark purple bruises appeared on his lower jaw and around his neck after he'd been choked viciously till the point of passing out.

He was quietly weeping, his eyes fixed on the female body lying motionless in front of him. By that point there were only a few shreds left from Margaret's clothes, covering almost nothing. Her normally perfectly combed blond hair were glued together by mud and blood. At first he was inclined to try to comfort her every time she was thrown back in their cell, to extend his arm in effort to touch her, but she just recoiled in terror, her eyes filled with panic.

Claudia was losing her mind, quite literally. She could hear the breathing of Margaret in her imaginations, Hawkeye's screams of horror that cut to her core. Why does the time pass so slowly when you wait for something? The journey seemed endless, waiting for the sight of 4077 original camp to come into view.

Seeing the footage of the 4077 personnel being interviewed by a war correspondent saddened her very much, even before she left Tokyo. And it was only downhill from then on. Maybe it was just the black and white color, but she had never seen Hawkeye look so sullen. In the beginning when asked if he saw anything good coming out of this war, he answered_ 'Yeah, me. Alive. That would be nice. If I could get out of this alive. That would be great.'_

Then don't stay behind enemy lines, Hawkeye… This could be the last time I saw him, on the television screen talking about the thing he hated the most - war. Trying to crack a couple of jokes, but remain serious, his face devoid of the mischievous smile and warmth in his glare that usually went along with them. His eyes dropping before he admitted how frightened he was at times, for example when he felt a bomb explode a few feet away. Having to lean over your patient, so the dust doesn't fall into his wounds, when all you want to do is curl up into a ball on the floor under a sturdy table.

There was something special about Hawkeye, one was able to sense that even from a recording. You could tell how strong he was, having dealt with this for as long as he had, but at the same time he showed incredible vulnerability. Telling the interviewer about lying on his cot during the night and realizing where you are and what could happen to you, the dread making your heart pound so hard your cot is shaking… Speaking of the many people he met for whom killing was a casual thing and wondering how you raise a person like that. And towards the end there was a moment where he talked about trying to keep distance from the omnipresent suffering, because if you bleed for everybody who's bleeding, you're essentially lost.

Hawkeye's face lightened up for a short while when he talked of reading Hemingway before knowing what war was like. Claudia's heart skipped a beat then, because it meant Hawkeye was actually miserable, not just the version of him in black and white.

The sudden realization that the scenery was looking familiar startled her from musings. They were there! It's amazing how happy people were to be back at the very same camp they usually despised. There wasn't time for warm welcomes and grateful prayers when they arrived in the compound and found Hawkeye, Margaret and Radar alive and well. A few cheers and laughs were the best they could do in such a hurry. Radar ran over to Klinger, checking on his animals and Margaret rode with Colonel Potter on his horse. Hawkeye greeted BJ and Father Mulcahy and then jumped into a jeep with the nurses. Once the whole convoy arrived into the compound, they all went back to their duties, frantically running around and transporting everything back to their place. Claudia's relief was simply indescribable as she saw those three figures standing in the distance. Finally she could breathe more easily, her mind pausing the horrible scenarios that had been playing in her mind for hours.

Hawkeye jumped into the ambulance, where Claudia was adjusting a patient's bandage. "Is that alright, now?" She asked, putting final touches to it. The hurt man that was lying on a stretcher nodded slightly and then winced slightly with pain.

"Hello, Claudia. Did you miss me? How was Tokyo?" Hawkeye whispered to her, all smiles.

"I can't even look at you, you should get your head examined…" Claudia was very focused at checking the patients, so they could be taken to Post-Op as soon as it was ready to receive them.

"Excuse me?"

"No, I won't! You need to grow up and stop doing stupid stuff." Walking along the ambulance, she came to another injured solder, examining his condition.

Hawkeye took a few steps, catching up with her and grabbing her hand. "I couldn't have just left him here." He blurted out forcefully as she turned towards him.

"I wasn't suggesting you should've." She jerked away from his touch, answering even more firmly. "But risking three lives for one spine is unreasonable."

"He would've been paralyzed…"

"He'd have lived. Which can't be said for the three of you if you'd have been captured."

"I… " His voice trailed off.

"Go help set up the Post-Op and OR." As he opened his mouth to protest, she quickly continued. "Dismissed, Captain." Pointing her finger to the door, she avoided his surprised gaze.

* * *

Nobody got any sleep until the whole camp was put back to normal. Well, maybe normal is a strong word and back to functional would be better. All patients who could be transported were being shipped out, so at least that lifted some weight of everyone's shoulders, however there was already talk about a big push coming up.

Claudia and Hawkeye were behaving like a match and gasoline, igniting disagreements wherever they went. Their shouting could have been heard throughout the whole camp, but at that point everybody was so tired, they just shrugged it off. Colonel Potter and Radar have been buried in paperwork, trying to update just about all the people in the US military on 4077th's new position, so they didn't even have time to think about the screams they heard.

The unlucky doctor sent to the Post-Op shift first was Frank, who was so out of it, he didn't even moan about it. They were only three patients lying there, so there won't be much malpractice for him to do anyway. Claudia relieved him after a few hours, because she was driven crazy by lying awake in her cot, not being able to sleep. Frank was glad for the help, probably exhausted from blowing his whistle nonstop during the bug out and left very shortly. Nurse Baker and I engaged in a stimulating conversation that distracted me enough to forget for a while. She was very excited about her upcoming R&R and her older sister just had her second child, a gorgeous little girl named Alicia.

The night went by pretty uneventfully, just one patient was suffering from nightmares, so they needed to wake him up every time he started to scream. Radar went to sleep early in the morning, totally spent and Colonel Potter followed him after checking up on the Post-Op situation. He and Claudia just exchanged a few cold stares and he was on the way to his bed.

Claudia's body was sending her signals that it actually wouldn't mind getting some rest, when her wishes were fulfilled and the doctor replacing her walked in. Hawkeye was still sleepy, slowly putting on his white coat over his crumpled army greens. He sighed very loudly as he tucked his hands into his pockets, looking around the quiet Post-Op. His glance finally rested on Claudia sitting at the table, scribbling something on a piece of paper.

"I am here to relieve you, so don't bite my head off. Where's Frank?" His voice was low, lacking the usual melodic intonation. He reached into his pocket, revealing a piece of toast and biting hungrily into it.

"I told him to get some rest, since I couldn't fall asleep." Claudia got up and walked down the aisle of beds to the first patient. Picking up the chart, she showed it to Hawkeye. "Private Rosmann, two bullets extracted from right thigh and four broken fingers. Physically he's on the mend, but mentally, who knows. He is suffering from terrible nightmares, screaming out loud etcetera. He barely slept tonight. Watch him closely, please." Hawkeye was watching her closely, his eyes piercing her in accordance to his surname. He stood quite far away from her, so much further than normally. They were still uncomfortable around each other.

"I will." He did not make a joke or add a little flirty note to his answer.

"Lieutenant Merv here has been running a little temperature since we came back. We think he caught some infection during the bug out. The chest is healing nicely, but I am still worried about his leg. The infection there is pretty nasty. He'll be needing more penicillin, maybe increase the dose if necessary."

"Yeah, I think you're right." Hawkeye sat down on a chair, reading the lieutenant's chart in detail. Claudia couldn't take his eyes off him. She almost lost him not so long ago. Remembering how terrified she felt on the way to the camp, not knowing what they'd find once there, she swallowed with difficulty. Her throat constricted painfully with the memory.

"Claudia? Hello! Earth to Claudiaaaa!" Hawkeye interrupted her thoughts.

"Oh, sorry. Yeah, the last one is Corporal Lance. He took a bullet in the chest. It narrowly missed his heart."

Looking at the various numbers describing patient's state, Hawkeye mumbled. "Lucky Corporal…"

"A lot of luck going around these days…"Claudia answered swiftly as Hawkeye raised his eyes to look at her.

"Claudia." He said, obviously annoyed.

"I am grateful for it. But I wish you'd use your head more, goofball."

"We're not getting into this again. I did the right thing." His body language equaled a long ice age.

"Did you even think it through before staying behind and letting Margaret and Radar stay too?" She crossed her arms, looking straight into his blue eyes.

"Stop talking to me like I'm five years old!" He exclaimed ferociously.

"Then don't act like one. Do you realize what would happen to you three? Have you thought about that?" Hawkeye noticed her eyes beginning to water slightly. "They would shot your patient dead. Chances are Radar would've been killed instantly and if not, he'd be starved to death in one of their monstrous POW camp. And what do you think would have happened to Margaret? Can you imagine witnessing what they'd do to her? You'd probably be kept alive and tasked with looking after the other prisoners of war, trying to make a difference without any medicine at all."

She didn't raise her voice, au contraire, she quietly said those horrible things to him. Seeing her distress, yet also not wanting to say what he did was wrong, Hawkeye was trapped. He opened his mouth a few times during her monologue, but closed it quite quickly. What was he supposed to say? He didn't think about what would happen. He did as he was trained to do, look after his patient, refusing to break his promise to protect human life. The last thing he wanted to do was put more people in danger. It never crossed his mind Radar would stay. Or Margaret. She probably felt like had to as a career army officer, since some draftee doctor was staying. Hawkeye thought back to when Margaret had asked him if the enemy raped female prisoners. He wanted to ask Claudia to go talk to Margaret, but lacked the courage to do so.

She went on. "How would you handle that, huh? And what about your dad? Don't you want see Crabapple Cove again?"

"That's such a low blow…"

"What? Reminding you that you have something to live for? This is war, Hawkeye! People kill people here – in cold blood. Did you forget that?"

"Don't you dare tell me that like I haven't noticed. I've been here living with rats, enjoying dysentery and putting violated bodies back together long before you even heard of Korea." His voice carried far in the quite Post-Op environment.

She took a step towards him. "You have no idea about what I've been through, Mister!"

**Sorry for the wait, but I had so many papers to write before the universities closed and also I just couldn't get this chapter right. It has been really crazy… **

**Please take care of yourselves!**

**Next chapter or the 20th will be rated MA due to some explicit content. **


	19. Finding Comfort

**Please review. In these times, I need some happiness in my life :-) .**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains quotes from and references to the episodes **_**The Bug Out**_**, **_**Margaret Engagement**_** and **_**Out of Sight, Out of Mind**_**.**

**This chapter is rated T.**

_Claudia was sitting on a hard chair, dressed only in a light black skirt and a white blouse without a coat or even a sweater. The room was so cold, she was shivering pretty wildly. Her almost white blond hair was highlighting how pale she was. Across the table from her there was an old man was sitting, looking directly at her with a stern expression on his face._

"_I want to see my dad. Where is he?" Her voice was soft and hesitant, filled with fear. It was perfectly natural in her current situation, i. e. being so far away from home and being interrogated by a scary man. Still, she felt weird. They have been in the United States for ten days now without being allowed outside the building. First it needed to be determined if they were a threat to US national security or not._

"_You will be allowed to see him when we are done. Now let's go back to the time of the coup."_

"_Oh, again? I already told you about that." She put her head in her hands, closing her eyes while sighing._

"_Why do you don't want to talk about that?" His voice revealed his suspicious nature._

"_I hate those people so much it scares me. It's like I'd be capable of anything, which is a worrying inclination in a doctor, isn't it?" She raised her eyes to look at the interviewer, _

"_It can be useful in these hard times." He said, slowly raising his eyebrow and smiling lightly._

_His smile made Claudia shiver with discomfort._

* * *

Although he went to bed only in the early hours, Colonel Potter was already sitting in his office at ten o'clock sharp. He just couldn't sleep anymore, thinking about the exchange he had with Claudia. Her quotes just kept running in his head, nudging his brain awake.

"_I thought as regular army you'd understood the possible ramifications of leaving them behind. But no! You just got up and left without your company clerk, the Head Nurse and your best surgeon."_

_Her frightened voice sounded like an alarm in his new office. He was already feeling guilty about his decision to let Hawkeye stay behind and was even angrier than Radar stayed without his permission. Him telling Claudia that Hawkeye doesn't follow orders, especially when it comes to his patient's health did not calm the situation._

"_You should have tied Hawkeye up or sedate him and stuff him in the back of a bus, not let him and two other people risk capture, torture, rape and death! They could be dead already and we wouldn't even know! How would you feel having to inform their families, knowing that it was all your fault?"_

Colonel Potter thought about how his time in 4077 changed him. A few years before, he would definitely ordered everyone to safety without any exceptions. And those who wouldn't want to go would be forced to by any means necessary. What was it about this war experience that made him differ from his usual patterns? Did he go soft in his older years? Was this something to be worried about? He has always taken care of his people and he needed to trust his judgement unconditionally.

Even though Colonel Potter tried not to wake Radar, knowing he probably had gone to sleep even later, it wasn't long before his faithful clerk appeared. He looked all sleepy and tired, giving his eyes a little rub before putting his glasses on and focusing on his commander.

Colonel Potter, refusing the coffee Radar was offering to get, asked to see Hawkeye. He might not be able to soothe his own mind, but he should at least try to calm down his officers. That is basically what leadership is about, putting your needs behind others'.

"You called, my dear colonel? Don't tell me we're bugging out again. I heard we can finally expect some mail…" Hawkeye was, as always in the morning, in his shirt and shorts with his red robe casually opened. His unruly hair, peppered with some grey, was even less obedient than normally during the day.

"Sit down, son." Potter gestured towards a chair.

"Oh, father. Am I in trouble?" Hawkeye grinned sarcastically, parking his bottom as ordered.

"That depends on how much shouting do you plan on doing in the upcoming weeks?"

"Colonel… " Hawkeye sighed so loudly, he almost hurt Radar's ears, who was listening from behind the doors. "It's too early to get into this."

"Can't my favorite officers just make up, Hawkeye?" Potter made his famous pleading eyes to get Hawkeye to cooperate. But the chief surgeon was looking down at the floor, his head bowed in sadness.

"We just can't agree on some things and there's nothing that can be done."

"Then you need to find a way to coexist in the same camp without tearing it down."

"Why are you only saying it to me? Are you on her side?"

"Don't get paranoid, Hawkeye. We are all on the same side, remember."

"Why do you defend her so vehemently?" Hawkeye threw his hands in the air, gesturing wildly as he spoked.

"Don't repeat this anywhere, because even I shouldn't know this." Colonel Potter leaned forward over his desk, catching Hawkeye's attention. He continued in a whispery voice. "The time she spent away from this outfit, she'd been helping Sidney interview POWs." Hawkeye shifted uncomfortably in his chair, avoiding eye contact. Colonel Potter paused to give him time to absorb this news and then went on. "You can bet your belly button she lately spent unbelievable amount of her time imagining the unspeakable things she heard about being done to you and your two companions. And it's been tearing her up inside. So please be understanding."

"Can I go back to my Post-Op duties?" Hawkeye stood up, shrugging his shoulders a little.

"Of course." Colonel Potter wasn't sure if his words had any effect on the chief surgeon.

* * *

Claudia was hiding in her tent, writing letters. She wasn't in the mood to see anyone. With Frank missing Margaret and expecting a promotion he will definitely not get, he was even more unbearable than usual. His ego was so big, he seriously thought he was going to be a lieutenant colonel soon. But Claudia knew his record wasn't as spotless as Frank thought it was. After Frank tried to court-martial Hawkeye and have him killed, she sent a few reports to HQ concerning the conduct of Major Burns, which by this time made it into his file. She also got right into Frank's face and told him how lucky he was that the trial was over when they met and that she would have done to him whatever they would do to Hawkeye.

And then there was the matter of Frank's surgical skills. The previous commander didn't really engage with the army any more than he had to and Colonel Potter preferred to keep tabs on Frank than to inform the upper deck. But Claudia wanted to make sure that Hawkeye's and Frank's files reflected their skills and worth, making it clear why Hawkeye was the chief surgeon, even though Frank had higher rank. With her limited time left, she wanted to set the records straight, document Frank's incompetence and maybe help Hawkeye in the future. He was always getting into trouble.

And there she was again, thinking of Hawkeye when he came into her tent.

"Hi, Claudia. How are you?" His eyes looked much darker than normally in the shady atmosphere of the tent. He kept his distance from her at first, trying to guess how she was feeling.

"What do you want?" Her face was like a mask as she stared at him all expressionless. "Is it one of my patients?" Standing up abruptly, she then rushed towards him.

"No, nothing like that. I just needed to talk to you."

"Alright. What do you want then?" Claudia stood just a few feet away, but seemed utterly unreachable. With her hands on her hips, elbows sharply sticking sideways, she was gritting her teeth loudly.

"Claudia…" Hawkeye waited until her stare softened a bit and a little curiosity showed there, and then pulled her closer to him. She didn't hugged him back at first, but slowly lowered her hands to her sides so he could bring her even closer. His hands, one around her waist and the other around her neck, maintained a tight grip while he whispered into her ear. "Nothing happened. We're okay… sssh." It was then that Hawkeye felt her hugging him back tenderly. It was a light touch, but it was there.

Comforted by her actions, he turned to lay her head against his shoulder and began stroking her hair. She snuggled into his warm embrace, relishing in the contact with his firm body and muttering something indistinctly.

"Huh?" He pulled away a little and looked down at her, inquiring what she said.

"Do you want to get something to eat?"

"No, thanks. I like this better." He gave her a mischievous grin and immediately afterwards pulled her into a tight hug again.

"I am serious, you must have just finished your shift now…" Wiggling out of his arms, she smiled.

"Okay, but please let it be noted I protested."

"The record shall so reflect." After getting her jacket and putting it on, they both left her tent to see what the mess tent had to offer. They both had a lot of questions, but were afraid to ask them in case it would generate another argument.

As they walked in together, Colonel Potter shared a knowing look with Hawkeye, but said nothing. Some of the food looked almost edible that day, but that was just an illusion as Hawkeye realized after he sniffed it vigorously.

It took more than a few nights of sleep to offset the disruptions after the bug out, but the camp calmed down significantly when Hawkeye and Claudia were not constantly at each other's throats. The relative normalcy took another swift kick when Margaret came back engaged, and as a new, completely changed woman refused to play second fiddle to a married man. Hawkeye and Claudia got into a little heated exchange about those two ferrets, but it remained friendly.

"You know, one day you will get slapped over your fingers if you keep grabbing onto the double standard that hard…" She was lying on her side on her cot, looking over a magazine and listening to Hawkeye's voice.

"Excuse me? Double standards from me?! I adore women. I worship them. I live for them and if I wasn't such a coward, I'd die for them, too." He hummed flirtatiously for a little while.

"You're telling me you haven't noticed how many times Frank talked about his wifey right in front of Margaret and how it hurt her? What did you do then? Probably laughed it off if you even register it." She closed the magazine and switched her full attention to the handsome doctor who was keeping her company. "But now that she found herself a future that doesn't include him and Frank's going all loopy, suddenly you care. Margaret deserves a man who will make her a priority, not fleeing happiness from someone who just wants to pass time between home visits. To be fair I shouldn't be surprised you don't understand."

"Hey! I resent your tone." He pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes before smiling widely. "But I like your fiery nature."

"What I told you before about playing with fire?" She displayed her white teeth in a big smile, winking at him.

"I forgot because I got lost in your eyes, my princess." Hawkeye leaned forward to look directly into Claudia's eyes and gave her a cheesy wink.

"No, no, no… Don't you dare! It's an insult to my uniqueness. You call Margaret a princess as well." She raised her eyebrows to express her annoyance.

"Okay, I'll come up with something else, my queen." Hawkeye indicated a little bow to appease his companion.

"Oh, I like that." The sound of her laugh filled the tent.

* * *

Claudia wished for a calm night shift and god, how wonderful it would have been if that happened… The uproar didn't register particularly quickly on her consciousness, she only took it in when the crowd of people poured through the door and she saw Hawkeye holding his face and heard his creaking voice raised in agony. She didn't expect to see him until he was supposed to relief her in a couple of hours.

After she fully woke up, in a quick succession she noticed BJ standing barefoot near Hawkeye holding his elbow, Colonel Potter dictating some orders to Radar and all the nurses nervously moving around.

"Colonel, send everyone away. I'll deal with this." Claudia's tone left no place for negotiating, and she was the doctor on duty. She pushed through the tangling limbs of medical personnel and took Hawkeye by his shoulders. She could feel his body shaking heavily as the crowd dispersed and only Colonel Potter remained by her side, describing what happened.

Listening cautiously, concentrating on every word, she ran her hands up and down Hawkeye's back. "Hawkeye, come with me, but keep your eyes closed. I'll help you, okay?"

With his hands still shielding his eyes, he followed her gentle hand leading the way. In the new silence, Hawkeye could hear the opening of the doors right before they stepped through them and the clucking sound they made when closed. All those screaming voices and hands jabbing at him were gone, the only sensation he felt was Claudia's touch.

"I give you something for the pain, but I need to examine you first, yeah?" Prior to her speaking, he heard both of their footsteps echoing in the examination room. He just nodded slightly, because he couldn't find the fitting words. There was some commotion as she was probably preparing the instruments and medications and the disinfectant. His breathing got quicker as he knew what was coming.

"Try to keep still, alright? I know it hurts and I'm sorry." Her breath tickled his neck, but he didn't comment on it. She touched his face gently, prepared to push his hands slowly out of the way, but he recoiled abruptly, flinching away from the contact.

"Ssssh…" He heard Claudia whispering into his ear, stroking his shoulder a little. "You're in good hands, honey. I'll take care of you."

Seeing those tiny metal pieces lodged in his beautiful face was breaking her heart. She needed to take them out and disinfect the area, knowing all too well it would hurt like hell. "Alright, eyes tightly closed for now, please." She took his hands into hers, and gingerly laid them on her around her waist. "Keep your hands busy here, just let me work."

Trying to ignore his wincing in pain, she got rid of the metal and cleaned the burns. She could tell how much he tried not to cry out in pain. His face was twisted with pain and every once in a while a soft whimper escaped his lips.

His hands rested gently on her body and after a while they slid down to her behind. His movement was very hesitant, she could barely feel his light touch as he began moving his hands in circles on her cheeks. Feeling her body go rigid, he stilled and asked: "Are you tense because I'm hurt or because I am touching you?" His voice didn't carry a flirting quality or a joking one as it so often did.

"Sir? Ma'am?" Radar came rushing into the room, his voice all panicked and high, interrupting the intimate moment.

"Radar since you have four eyes, can I borrow two?" Hawkeye said, trying to mask what he was feeling.

"You know I would help if I could, sir."

"Radar, I need you to go get a purple packet from the left pocket of my yellow robe. You probably find it hanging in my dresser."

"In the green tent inside a gloomy greyish country on this grim forsaken planet." Hawkeye continued Claudia's description.

Radar frantically ran to Claudia's tent and found the said robe. Slipping his hand into the left pocket, he experienced a nice softness of the fabric against his skin. Thinking for a moment about how forbidden it seemed to be in the tent alone, he paused. Then remembering himself, he reached further into the pocket and pulled out a purple packet of something. Not wanting to keep Claudia and the hurt Hawkeye waiting, he exited the tent without looking at what it exactly was.

He found Hawkeye lying on a gurney with a piece of cloth over his eyes with Claudia protectively looming over him. "Oh, thank you, Radar." She said when he handed her the goods. She ripped the wrapping and revealed more little packets inside. "Here, this one is for you, my little brave soldier." Giving Radar one of the packets, she smiled. "But you have to promise to stay safe." She already talked to him about his decision to stay with Hawkeye and Margaret and he agreed with her it was a great risk. He also said he would never leave Hawkeye's side, which was Claudia's main point of complaint really. Hawkeye's decision could have had consequences for many people apart from him alone, which he definitely didn't contemplate beforehand.

"Oh, I intend to, ma'am. Thank you." Radar said and with a little bow he left.

"Hey, what did he get?" Hawkeye wondered, trashing his hands in the air. "Oh, he's gone again. That little fink."

"Be a patient patient, please. I'll secure the dressing to your head so you can sit up." She checked up on the bandage twice, tugging at it to make sure it was appropriately fixed and asking Hawkeye if he was comfortable. He always nodded silently, but didn't answer. "Yeah, there you go. This is for being such a good boy." After he sat up, she handed him a little packet, but then it dawned on her he wouldn't be able to unwrap it. Her inner voice scolded her as she proceeded to reveal the delicacy. "Wait, I'll unwrap it for you. And here…"

"Oh! A cookie!" Hawkeye's voice was finally not full of pain. He hungrily bit into the cookie, savoring the sweetness. "Mmmm. Yummy…"

"Not just any cookie, but a real delicious cookie, huh?"

"Is that what you call me when I am not around?" Hawkeye smiled, his left hand probing air to find where she was. Feeling her walk into his reach, he encountered her body and then leaned against it, chewing on the rest of his reward. Feeling her hand running through his hair, he focused on trying to relax when he heard the door open. Not knowing who it was she turned to where Claudia's head approximately was, hoping she'd clue him in. Apparently she knew what he was thinking, because she didn't leave him in the dark for long.

"Colonel …"

"So how's our stallion doing?" The Colonel asked, looking at the two doctors in tight embrace.

"All we can do now is to wait for the specialist." Claudia said, not letting go of Hawkeye. "How are things on your end?"

"Major Houllihan will move to the Nurses' tent, accompanied by her space heater."

"Boy, did our Major have to be mad…" Hawkeye whispered, feeling so fragile just hanging onto Claudia. He felt like he would just disintegrate without her presence, the scariness of his situation was paralyzing him. Blindness would get him out of Korea, but what would he do with his life? Medicine was his life, he couldn't remember wanting to be something else. As much as he didn't want to think about the possibility, his mind apparently wasn't going to let him rest, playing numerous horrible scenarios in his head.

"Better than frozen." Claudia objected.

"I am not so sure… You remember how crazy she gets when she's mad?"

"I also ordered an inspection on all heaters and other electrical things. I don't want other accident." Colonel Potter simply ignored Hawkeye's comments and continued speaking.

Claudia listened to him with Hawkeye in her arms, planting a kiss on his cheek and rocking him gently like a baby. He was clinging to her with all his might, doing his best to calm down, but it was a losing battle. The Colonels shared a distressed look and Colonel Potter was finally able to see the tears in Claudia's eyes. Her eyes dropped to Hawkeye's trembling frame, signaling to Potter not to comment on her emotional state. Sensing his presence was no longer desired, Potter encouragingly squeezed Hawkeye's hand and after a few kind words left swiftly.

"We're alone." Claudia said, just to break the deafening silence.

"Oh?" Hawkeye snuggled further into Claudia's t-shirt, inhaling the remnants of her perfume. Claudia planted a light kiss on the top of Hawkeye's head and continuing to hold him close as he turned a bit to her and afterwards she traced his lips with her forefinger. She could hear him inhale sharply and then felt the grip on her body tighten. Of course she understood the pain he was in on top of the overwhelming dread he was feeling and it was crushing her. She just didn't know what to do to make him feel better.

"It's gonna be okay, sweetie." Claudia whispered. He responded by shaking his head bitterly. "Sssh… I am here for you."

**Sorry for the late update, but if I thought I was busy before the Uni closed, I was REALLY mistaken. Suddenly all the teachers want papers instead of exams, class participation etc.**

**Hope you are all safe and healthy and will stay that way!**

**Next chapter will be rated MA for explicit content. If you don't like that sort of thing, skip it and continue with chapter 21.**


	20. Blind, But Not Alone

**Rating - M. Explicit content!**

**Please, please and pretty please - review.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to the episode **_**Out of Sight, Out of Mind**_**.**

They stayed intertwined like that for a very long time, just holding each other firmly and feeling each other's chest expand periodically. The camp was silent except a few footsteps once in a while. They shared a few little kisses, none as passionate as before, but due to Hawkeye's vulnerable state, they somehow felt more intimate. As Hawkeye's body tried to deal with his wounds, he started to shiver more and more. Claudia got up, grabbed a blanket and covered him. Then she resumed her post, sitting next to him again.

Colonel Potter came in at some point and offered to relieve Claudia, but she declined, saying she'd rather wait until the ophthalmologist arrived. She wanted to be there for Hawkeye, holding and comforting him when he needed it the most.

Unfortunately, she had to operate on her patient who developed complications, so Hawkeye was left lying in a bed in Post-Op alone in his dark, waiting for the doctor from 121st Evac. It was a good thing she was an experienced doctor, because frequently she found herself going on autopilot during this particular surgery. She took her time checking her work meticulously, worrying that her worrying might have impacted the quality of her work. She was after all digging in someone's brain. But despite her distracted state the operation was a success and the patient's intracranial pressure was coming down.

As Claudia was preparing to close, a corpsman ran into the OR and shouted that Private Igor was suffering from enormous belly pain and that Major Houllihan was suspecting he had appendicitis. After telling a nurse to close for her, Claudia called for new gloves and instructed the corpsman bring Igor in. By then she knew she wouldn't make it to Hawkeye before the ophthalmologist came. Maybe it was for the best. She still wasn't able to forget the image of Hawkeye screaming he could not see anything. She did feel guilty about not being with Hawkeye, even though she knew there wasn't much she could do to help him.

"Hello, Igor, I hear you are in a lot of pain, almost as much as we are after one of your meals…" Claudia addressed her patient, who was just lying on the table, his eyes fluttering. He was pale and had forehead sprayed with sweat. All in all, he did not look good. Claudia had to be quick.

Igor's appendix was bad, but he wasn't in critical state. It was an easy operation, so she went ahead. Since there was no emergency and she already had a whole shift and another operation behind her, she was technically supposed to leave the operation to another doctor. But she always disregarded useless directives. No one got much sleep that night and it was ridiculous to bother someone else because of this.

Frank was the one ordered to cover Hawkeye's shift and did so with enough complaining to annoy everyone. Hawkeye, not knowing what to do with himself and frustrated with Frank's lax approach to medicine, was directing Post-Op as an epic orchestra, checking every taking of vital signs and changing of bandages. After Frank's visit to Colonel Potter's office, Hawkeye was moved to the Swamp so that everyone could get some peace. That was the last thing Claudia heard of Hawkeye's condition before she went to her tent. She put in over twenty hours at that point, and after checking the Post-Op patients, both hers and Hawkeye's, she was dead on her feet. Since she was no use to anybody in that condition, she grudgingly changed into her pajamas.

* * *

Claudia's sleep was everything but relaxing. Nightmarish memories kept hunting her, reminding her of the worst times of her life. They left her gasping for breath as she looked around in panic. It felt so real, she had forgotten where she was. Feeling her body was drenched in cold sweat, she decided to take a shower. It didn't seem likely she would fall asleep anyway. After taking her medicine and getting her soap and change of clothes, she exited her tent lazily.

It was lucky she didn't take too long because just as she returned to her tent, the arrival of wounded was announced. Claudia quickly dressed up and ran to the Pre-Op, where BJ and Colonel Potter were already standing in surgical gear, ready to operate. Frank came in just as Claudia was fixing her face mask and entering the OR.

The first case Claudia operated on was tricky. The shrapnel was too close to his heart and it was a real worry. She didn't even had the energy to listen to all the chit-chat going around. She barely noticed Hawkeye being led around the OR by Nurse Baker. He stayed around for quite a long time, talking and asking about what cases they got. He must have been going crazy, just sitting in the Swamp, so even in his state he came to OR. Claudia wanted to pull him into her arms and comfort him until he was feeling better. It was increasingly difficult for her to ignore the suffering blind surgeon stumbling around.

In the end it was Colonel Potter who told Hawkeye to get out. He did it politely, but it was true that Hawkeye was incredibly impatient and started to drive everyone nuts. The next one to be sent for a little rest was actually Claudia. She put in the most hours in the past week and there wasn't so many serious wounded this time. As she walked out of Post-Op and headed for her tent, she noticed Hawkeye in his robe slowly walking around the camp. She sprinted towards him and reached him just before he tripped over a tent rope.

Extending her arm in front of his body to stop him from moving, she demanded an explanation. He flinched away a little at first, but then relaxed when he recognized her voice. "What are you doing, Hawkeye? How come you are wandering around here all alone?"

"I want to shower, but everyone is hard at work."

"Well, good thing I bumped into you." She took him by the hand, leading the way. As they reached her tent, she asked him to wait a minute. She swiftly came back, grabbed his hand again and they were on their way to the showers.

After Claudia verified the shower tent was empty, she helped Hawkeye in, making sure that he didn't hit his head on the door frame. Averting her eyes after he stripped, she waited until Hawkeye was safely in the shower stall. She walked around the stalls, put her clothes on the two nails hanging there and got into the other stall. The warm water was very soothing, pouring over her and engulfing her aching body. It felt good, but she wanted to be quick about her shower, so she'd be ready when Hawkeye needed her help.

"How about we took a shower together?" Hawkeye said wittily, giving Claudia a smile. Or at least sending a smile in the approximate direction where she was.

"Oh, come on. You don't want a pity date, do you?" She gazed at him, standing in the next stall. His movement was slow as he tried to keep the bandage around his head dry. His skin shined with droplets of water when he washed the bubbles of soap away. His broad shoulders looked even wider like that and his lips had this cute pink color when wet.

Claudia sighed and got out of the shower. Life was so unfair. Hawkeye had been thrusted into a bloodshed he wanted no part of and now he might have lost his sight because he tried to help someone.

"Who's talking about a date? I was trying to save water. Be responsible, you know? But it's good to know your thinking goes that way…" Hawkeye laughed and turned off the water.

When she saw this, Claudia quickly put on her robe, stuffing her clothes in the pockets. She walked towards the door and grabbed Hawkeye's towel, waiting for the opportunity to hand it to him.

"Claudia?" Hawkeye's voice showed a great deal of hesitation as his hands grabbed the wall of the shower stall.

"You want your towel, sir?" Claudia dangled the towel over his hands, letting it touch Hawkeye's hands. He softly ran his hands over the fabric and took hold of it.

"Thanks." He whispered and started toweling himself dry.

Claudia's eyes rested on Hawkeye for a minute and then with assurance she'll just step outside for a few seconds and be right back, she stepped outside. She was right, it was Radar's voice. She called him over, shivering in the cold Korean air.

"How's the OR business, Radar?"

"The colonel wants you to rest, ma'am. He literally told me not to let you in the OR or he'd put my behind in a sling."

"I didn't ask that."

"It's quite a lot, but nothing serious. One woman in labor, one appendicitis and so on."

"Good. Get Hawkeye's bed into my tent, please. I don't want to leave him alone and if there's so much work, who knows when BJ and the rest will be free." Surprise washed over Radar's face as she talked.

"Yes, ma'am. Right away."

Claudia thanked Radar and knocked on the door to let Hawkeye know she's coming in. She waited for a moment and then entered. Hawkeye was still standing in the stall, his towel around his neck.

"I am here, Hawk. Give me the towel and I'll hand you your clothes."

Claudia snatched his greens from the hook and hanged the towel there. She handed Hawkeye his shorts first, waiting until he got into them and then his t-shirt. Then Hawkeye carefully stepped out of the stall, his hands in front of him, feeling the space ahead. She took hold of his hands and rubbed them gently.

"I'll get you signature robe, yeah?" She guided his hand into the first sleeve, wrapping the robe around him and preparing the other sleeve. When it was done, Hawkeye slipped his hands around her shoulders, pressing himself against her. Claudia was surprised by this, but leaned into the contact and entangled her hands in Hawkeye's damp hair. Laying her head on his shoulder, she turned so she could whisper to his ear.

"You okay?" Her hands slipped down to his back, stroking him tenderly. Feeling him nodding, she pulled away and caressed his cheek. "Let's get out of here." Claudia checked they didn't leave anything behind and they departed.

They walked towards her tent slowly, with their hands interlocked. She was freezing, dressed only in her robe, and Hawkeye noticed her quivering. "Are you cold, honey?" He asked quietly, his voice sounding very sweet.

"We'll be there shortly, I'll be fine."

* * *

It was amazingly warm inside Claudia's tent. She led Hawkeye to his bed that Radar managed to drag over there and then sat on hers, snuggling into her blanket. Somehow her exhaustion had gone with the shower and it seemed Hawkeye wasn't in the mood for sleep either.

"You want something to drink?" Claudia asked as she stood up, holding the blanket around her shoulders.

"Don't mind if I do." Hawkeye said with a weak smile and a light nod.

After a little rummage in her footlocker, she found two beers. Hawkeye appreciated this beer last time, so this could do. She put the bottles on her table, opening them both and passed one to Hawkeye. He thanked her quietly and took a gulp. Feeling his cot dip a little as she sat next to him, he reached for her. She quickly switched her beer into her left hand and met his touch. Moving a little closer and leaning against his side, she then closed her eyes, focusing on feeling his body against hers.

"Hawkeye? I heard when you were talking to BJ about your situation. You know, about the sound of rain hitting the roof and Frank slipping on the muddy ground…" Claudia studied Hawkeye's face as he drank the alcohol, but without his eyes it was too difficult to guess how he was feeling.

"Yeah?" His lips pursed a little and then stayed in a thin line.

"I just want you to know you don't have to protect me. You can tell me the truth if you want to talk about it."

"I didn't lie to BJ." He protested, turning towards her and inadvertently shaking her head off his shoulder.

"You didn't tell the whole truth. And I can hear the anxiety in your voice. Hawkeye, it is okay to admit your feelings."

"I-I just… I cannot talk about this even if I wanted to, I don't even want to think about this…It brings tears to my eyes and that really hurts." He admitted hesitantly, his voice growing quieter and quieter as he bowed his head down. Claudia put her beer down on the floor and got even closer to him.

"Oh, Hawkeye, I am sorry. I said if you want to talk about it." She touched his cheek, gently running her fingers over it. "Just know that whatever happens you'll be fine. You're so much more than just a surgeon. Granted, you are amazingly talented at your job, but there's so much more to Benjamin Franklin Pierce than that. Don't sell yourself short. Plus you have so many people who care. We're all here for you. You are not alone."

Claudia caught his chin and turned his head towards her more so she could reach better. She put her hands around his body, feeling his breath quicken, and slowly leaned over to kiss him. She didn't know what got her to initiate the kiss, but somehow it felt like they've been leading up to this moment step by step for a long time. They certainly shared a few hugs and kisses along the road.

Hawkeye responded immediately - and so fiercely it left her moaning into the kiss. This was the first time they kissed properly, without any hesitation or pretending they were just friends. She gripped at him more firmly just as Hawkeye's hug enveloped her whole. She reveled in his warm embrace, her hands possessively running all over his back, not letting him move away one inch.

It was Hawkeye who broke the scorching kiss, trying to catch a breath, but still keeping Claudia as close as possible. He could hear her panting loudly as she did the same. They met for another deep, passionate French kiss that made them both tremble with desire. Hawkeye grew increasingly frustrated with the bottle he was holding, because it prevented him from holding Claudia properly.

"Can you please put it on the table or somewhere, I can't…" She understood before he finished the sentenced and quickly dealt with the beer. Returning to Hawkeye, she stood in front of where he was sitting, holding her breath. He raised his arms to meet her body and get her to sit down into his lap. His moves were little awkward, not as confident as always, but slow and searching. His lips kissed hers, then slid down to her neck and continued along her cleavage. She threw her head back and let out a soft whimper as she felt him against her. She could feel his lips curl in a smile as he traced her neckline with light kisses. His lips were on his way down her body when he encountered the hem of her robe. He pushed it away a little, trying to claim as much of her skin as he could.

But that reminded Claudia how little she was wearing in comparison to him. "Wait, Hawkeye." She ran her hands over his body and caught his lips in a short, but feverish kiss. "Stand up, please." Claudia withdrew from his body and got up, helping him stand up too. She pulled away the blanket lying on Hawkeye's bed and let it piled up at the edge of the bed.

Hawkeye stayed still where he stood up, not really moving. Her eyes watched him closely, but since she did not want him to be uncomfortable, she rushed to him and put her arms on his shoulders. "Oh, there you are." Hawkeye said quietly as Claudia undid the belt of his robe and let it slide off his shoulders. His voice was sadder than before and it worried her.

"Hawk, what is it?" She was so close, he could feel the warm breath on his neck as she spoke. Hawkeye sighed, but Claudia didn't give up. "Tell me, please."

"It's just so different, not being able to see you." His voice broke a little and she could tell he was on the verge of tears even without seeing his eyes. Her chest tightened at the thought of Hawkeye suffering so much in his current state. It couldn't be permanent, just couldn't.

"Ssssh…" Claudia threw her hands around him and whispered as he was clinging to her tightly. "Hawkeye, I'm here, because I want to be with you. Just relax." She nibbled on his neck and slipped her hands underneath his shirt, caressing his chest. Noticing the tension in his body, she moved to kiss his sweet lips, sucking on them lightly at times and exploring his mouth. Finally she heard Hawkeye moan with pleasure as well as he hungrily kissed her back.

She gently pushed him to sit down on the bed and added another passionate kiss. "I know how to cheer you up." Her seductive laugh cheered him a little already, but coupled with the words it took his breath away. He attentively listened to the sound she was making, but was too excited to think properly. He recognized the locking of the door and some fabric being moved, but his brain couldn't connect it with the precise picture of what was happening. But she wanted privacy, which was a good sign.

At last, he felt the bed dip as she lied down. He instinctively moved to touch her, but stopped himself quickly afterwards. Claudia seized his hands and laid them on her cheeks, holding them in place. He felt her face quiver as she spoke softly. "You might not be able to see, but you can feel me." She then grabbed a handful of his t-shirt and pulled him slightly on top of her. A jolt of excitement ran through his body as he realized she was topless. His hands slid down to her shoulders and then moved to her chest. She closed her eyes and just gave into the sensation of his gentle touch, silently gasping for breath. He found her lips with his and kissed her more ardently than before, pressing her into the mattress.

Hawkeye for some reason was no able to relax. He wanted to ask if Claudia was alright, if they should be doing this or anything. It was impossible to follow his routine without seeing the visual cues. Not to mention he wanted to make it special for Claudia. Without putting much thought into it, he put his hands on her hips, but didn't come into contact with any fabric there either. His heart raced so fast. She lied completely naked in front of him!

He did not want her to think he was rushing, so he slowly ran his hands along the outer part of her legs and then resumed kissing her and holding her by shoulders. But his body was going crazy, knowing Claudia was lying there and he could touch her naked body, running his fingers slowly everywhere, exploring every inch. He longed to be blessed with the sight of her lying there, all welcoming and eager.

"Hawkeye?" Her voice was shaky as she broke the kiss as well as the silence. "I'm a little cold, get into the bed with me."

He nodded, incapable of putting together a coherent sentence at a time like this. He took off his boots and let them drop loudly on the ground. He then dealt with his t-shirt, throwing it across the room, not caring when it ended up. He drew in a sharp breath as he covered her body with his. She put her hands around his neck and held him close as he remained absolutely still for a moment, trying to calm himself down. He didn't want this to be over too soon.

They launched themselves into full body contact, furiously pressing their bodies together and grabbing at each other. Hawkeye licked Claudia's bottom lip, trying to get her to open her mouth, which she did almost instantly. His kiss silenced those tantalizing moans that drove him insane, but made her wrap her legs around him. It brought their bodies even closer together and the heat of the moment increased.

"Aaah… Claudia…" He cried out when she began to thrust her body upwards into his. Waves of pleasure were spreading through his body, wild pulsating need from the very core of his being was overwhelming him. He simply needed her. Just her and no one else. He felt addicted to the way she tasted and smelled - that was forever imprinted on his brain. He'd recognized her body even without his eyes working. He hoped she felt the divine euphoria too.

She shifted a little and threw a blanket over their intertwined bodies. It awoke him from his deliberation. Trying to stop himself from finishing too fast, he forgot to pay enough attention to her.

"You okay, Hawkeye?" Her breath came in little short puffs, making the words almost inaudible. "We don't have to rush."

So that's what she thought. After all she knew all about his escapades with Nurse Able. "Yeah…" He said, taking a few deep breaths. "Actually, I have the opposite problem. I'm trying to calm myself down a bit."

"Oh, really?" Her hand slid down his body and grabbed him through his shorts. She was rewarded by a loud gasp on his part. "You don't have to hold back. I want you to explore my whole body, caress it until you see it in your mind."

"I think I already do." He ran his hands affectionately around her curves, taking his time and listening to those adorable whimpers she was making. Claudia gripped his head roughly and brought his lips to hers. She proceeded to kiss him forcefully while her hands slid down to his backside, pressing his body to hers. He experienced a surge of unbelievable ecstasy, moaning into the deep kiss. "Oh God! Claudia!"

Keeping her hands firmly on his body, she turned her head a little to escape his delicate lips for a moment. "Get your shorts off, mister." She planted a gentle kiss on his cheek and waited for his reaction. He pulled away from her, wanting to get rid of the last fabric that separated their bodies.

Claudia watched him throw his shorts on the floor and then cautiously sit next to her, his hands searching. He found her elbow first and followed the arm to her neck and then slowly began caressing her cheek. She watched him closely as he lightly stroke her face, wishing he would join her in the bed. For some reason he seemed to completely halt his seduction efforts. She pushed his hands away tenderly and sat up, which caused his hands to drop into his lap.

"Hawkeye… Come here." She brushed away a stray lock of his jet-black hair from his face and tucked it behind his ear. She moved closer and leaned against his naked form, fondling his hair lovingly. He turned to face her, so to speak, and was met with a demanding kiss that would have brought him to his knees had he not been sitting. Feeling her hands encircle his shaking body and then very gently pull him on top of her was just the assurance he craved. He found his enthusiasm again and climbed into the bed.

The thrill was back and stronger than ever. They were groping at each other's body, the urgency of their lust blatantly obvious and the rest of the world ceased to matter. As they moved in sync, their bodies brushing against each other and colliding in movements of carnal expectations. She spread her legs wide and let one of his slip in between. Their racing hearts started beating even faster.

Amid all the kissing, squeezing and caressing, she heard Hawkeye whisper. "Ehm… I don't have a condom." She kissed his jawline, then ran her tongue along his neck and when her lips were next to his ear, she answered quietly that they didn't need one. After all, there were certainly no children in her future.

Their lips were united again and she hoped their bodies would shortly be too. His hands were tracing the inside of her thighs, just barely touching her, but sweetly teasing her imagination. "Hey, did you just check my femoral pulse?" She grabbed his hands, which forced him to fall on top of her rather harshly, but neither of them minded. In fact in sent shivers up and down their bodies. She wrapped her legs around his lean body, almost joining their bodies. "You like playing doctor?" She could tell he was feeling her pulse to figure out how excited she was, but she avoided commenting on it directly so she wouldn't remind him of the reason why. So instead, she whispered something else. "I want you. NOW!" He was more than happy to oblige.

They brought their bodies together with amazing passion and fervor, the outside world completely forgotten in that moment. The explosion of excitement made them both pant loudly as they devoured each other's body. Hawkeye's muscular body was savagely thrusting in and out as Claudia was meeting his frenzied movement.

Hawkeye couldn't help but start whispering her name again and again like some sort of mantra. Maybe it was because Claudia rejected him so many times. He had been longing to hold her in his arms and feel her body for so long, it felt truly heavenly when it finally happened.

After saying a few encouraging phrases, she found his lips and rammed hers against them, silencing his cries a little. The coupling was quick and fiery, releasing the tension accumulated in their bodies. Very soon both of their bodies were spasming violently, moving closer and closer to the edge. "Oh, Hawkeye!" She was the first to reach the ecstatic heights and as he joined, he gripped her waist roughly, unable to speak or think.

They stayed joined for a long time afterwards, lying on their sides and trying to catch a breath. Claudia kept playing with his hair, stroking it as Hawkeye purred with satisfaction. Both completely spent they rested in each other's arms, relishing in the post-coital bliss.

**Sorry to keep you waiting, but I didn't want this chapter to come across as cheap and also it's the longest one yet.**

**The next chapter might have M rating as well. Will specify at the beginning.**

**Stay safe, look after yourselves.**


	21. United By Pain

**Rating - M. Explicit content!**

**So, my long hiatus had a reason - I lost all my notes for this story when moving. I needed some time to recover from that shock. Also I started working while the university was closed due to COVID-19 quarantine. But I´m back and I´ll try to do my best to upload often. I would like to thank MoodBeam for the review. Much appreciated.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references **_**Out of Sight, Out of Mind **_**as the previous did. **

They barely had enough energy to get dressed before falling asleep. Claudia went back to her bed despite Hawkeye protesting vehemently. He needed to rest, she told him repeatedly and kissed him goodnight. Being so tired, they were sleeping soundly in matter of minutes and had Radar not awaken her, Claudia would have slept for much longer. She recognized the knock on the door.

She quickly put on her robe and rushed to meet him before he woke up Hawkeye. Quietly slipping out, she asked what was going on. It was obvious Radar tried to get a peek into her tent, seeing Hawkeye and any hints of what has transpired in there.

"The ophthalmologist will be late, ma'am. We just got the message, he has trouble finding a helicopter to get him here."

"Okay, thank you, Radar. I'll tell Hawkeye when he wakes up." She said, yawning. When he stayed there, being completely still, she raised her eyebrows. "Anything else?"

"No, that's all." He answered, hesitant if he should go.

"Alright. Bye." It started to be too cold for her outside the tent, so she returned inside.

Sitting on her bunk, she turned to the sleeping man on the other bed. He laid prone on his bunk, snuggled into his blanket so that only his head showing. His thick black hair was dancing around disorderly, covering the part of his pretty face that wasn't bandaged.

They shared truly wonderful moments, but Claudia did feel guilty. Her relationship with Hawkeye was problematic at best of times and in her situation it was unfair to create attachments. She came to Korea to do some good, not to get close to people just to leave them. But living in these conditions, spending so much time together and go through so many gruesome experiences make people grow closer whether you plan it or not.

And if she was being honest, she could see herself falling for Hawkeye if the circumstances were different. The dedication to his trade, how much he cared for his patients, the playfulness he showed in dealing with reality – all of that and the beautiful body as well. For all his faults, Hawkeye's heart was in the right place. And his touches and kisses awoke feelings that she thought she laid to rest forever. His reputation was indeed very well earned.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Hawkeye's voice was still sleepy when he spoke. He was able to sense Claudia's intense stare even without seeing it.

"Don't you know how cute you are?" Claudia said, walking over to his bed. She sat down slowly and saw Hawkeye stretching out his arm while sitting up, trying to reach her. She took it into her hand, planting a light kiss on top.

"I got a feeling you might think that…" His lips pursed as he kissed the air.

"Good morning, did you sleep well?" She hugged him tightly, trailing kisses along his cheek before meeting his lips.

"I'd sleep better if you stayed with me." Hawkeye reminded her their disagreement earlier. He would have loved to hold her in his arms during the night, bathing in her scent and feeling her chest moving.

"In this little army cot? Come on, your body needs rest." Claudia insisted, lying down next to him.

"I prefer something else to resting." Hawkeye said with a big grin, bringing his body closer to hers. Even after their initial night, it quickened her pulse like it was the first time. She purred with content and went on to whisper in his ear.

"Don't try my patience or I'll go back to my bed, Doctor."

"I'll be a good boy." He begged, still with a shining smile. "Just don't leave."

"Alright." She consented, kissing his forehead lightly. "Hawkeye? The doctor will be late to check your eyes. There's a transportation problem."

"Just my luck…" She heard him sigh very loudly and felt his body tensed up.

"It'll be alright, Hawkeye. This is just temporary."

"You cannot know that." His voice was low and rough, very unlike his normal tone.

"I saw your chart, the results were promising." She leaned in closer and kissed him softly, only lightly pressing on his lips, tasting him, while patiently waiting for him to take the lead. He always tried to dominate the kiss. When he didn't for quite some time, she stilled for a moment, unlocking their lips to speak out. "Oh, god…You don't deserve this." Her voice wasn't loud, but despite that sounded frustrated.

"I thought you said it's not permanent."

"I mean being here." She could tell he noticed she avoided answering, but continued nonetheless. "Being thrusted into a warzone and having to endure this nightmare for so long. Seeing so many people perish."

"You are here too." He remarked quietly.

"I sort of volunteered. I want to be here as long as I'm needed. But you are so gentle, so caring, a real natural healer. It's not fair."

"Life's not fair. Practicing medicine is the most rewarding and meaningful profession. I don't remember wanting to be anything else."

She didn't like the way this conversation was going. After all she wanted to distract him from his situation. Needless to say she did not exactly succeed.

"Hawkeye? There is something I have to say, even though I still think you'll be okay. And I need you to listen very carefully."

He turned towards where her voice was coming from, nodding hesitantly. "O-okay."

"You have no idea how incredible you are. Yes, you are a talented surgeon, but that is not all you are. There is so much more to Benjamin Franklin Pierce than his job, important as it is. He is also compassionate, funny, brave and of course really handsome." A little laugh escaped her lips and then she kissed his cheek quickly between sentences. "He provides comfort, encouragement, entertainment, just helps people any way he can. And he'd continue to do it with or without eyesight. Because he is special like that."

"Mm…" By that time he relaxed a little and his hands started slowly caressing her body.

"I know I already told you this. But I will keep telling you until you believe it."

"Mm."

"You do not need to say anything profound right now."

"Ok. How do you feel about a kissing session instead?"

She smiled as she felt his lips on her. "Don't talk and do, mister."

His lips went from kissing her neck to searching for her lips and then started kissing hers quite frantically. This time his movements were rapid as his hands delved under her clothing.

She enjoyed the hurried roughness of it, but knew he wouldn't be able to get her clothes off quickly enough without seeing. She didn't want him to get discouraged again so she tried a different approach. Taking control of the kiss, she pressed him on his side, so they were both lying on their sides, pressed against each other. She could feel him shivering in anticipation as he moaned softly into the kiss. Then she slowly rolled him onto his back while deepening the kiss.

His breath quickened even more when she swiftly untied his robe and lowered his shorts. She could tell he was listening and trying to guess what she was doing and whether she undresses herself as well. But he wouldn't need to guess for long.

She situated herself on top of him, their bodies lightly touching. Wanting to tease him, she went on to trace his bottom lip with her tongue, sucking on it and then biting it lightly. He whispered her name in a loving manner as her hand moved to the belt of her robe. Once she was only in her underwear, she slowly ran her hands all over his body, taking her time. She enjoyed him impatiently arching up into her, fidgeting under her touch and loudly hyperventilating.

He knew he was at her mercy, completely immersed in what she was doing to him and what she was making him feel. Her touch felt especially tender this time, so tender she could bend him to her will and wishes if she wanted to. Everything else except them two left his mind. The sensations she awakened in him was making his head spin. He wanted to urge her on, but at this point all his mouth could produce were moans and whimpers.

When she finally sat astride him, the anticipation was almost killing him. He let out a guttural groan that shot right into her core, and then continued to pant heavily. Claudia could see Hawkeye's need to rush along, that it wasn't just the typical eagerness, but real frenzied lust.

"Claudia…" Somehow, he calmed himself enough to speak coherently. "I want you."

He almost finished right when she laid a hand on him. She grinned, looking at his bandaged face while she was playing with him. He was furiously arching his hips up into the grasp, sobbing silently as waves of pleasure flooded his body. And then, suddenly he could feel her all around him, bringing him closer and closer to sweet release. Her slow up and down movement was driving him crazy as was the whispering of his name.

She wasn't able to control herself any more than he was, crying out at the overwhelming sensations that rocked her body. With her feet on the ground to steady her, she ran her fingertips across his chest, humming with relish. Seeing Hawkeye spread-eagled under her, his parted lips whimpering quietly in pleasure, feeling him stretching her inside, was doing unbelievable things to her.

They both struggled to be quiet as orgasm overtook them and didn't exactly succeed. She shifted to lie on top of him and intertwine her fingertips with his thick black hair, stroking his head gently. He put his hand around her and make her snuggle closer. She sighed very contently, savoring the moment.

"Mhm…Hawkeye… We're good at this, huh?"

"Oh, yeeeaaah, Claudia. We definitely are."

That afternoon was the first time since the accident that Hawkeye was apart from Claudia. She had a shift in Post-Op, so BJ and Klinger took it upon themselves to keep him entertain and then when Radar joined them, they put up a fake football match for Major Burns' benefit. He had fun with the guys as he usually did, but his mind often wondered. Well, the truth was he wasn´t able not to think of Claudia. All his brain could focused on was the prospect of spending another moment with her, so even when it was announced the eye specialist would not make it to 4077 till tomorrow, he sort of took it with calm.

They shared a few intimate touches that night, but mostly they just talked. Hawkeye waxed poetic about his hometown and was glad she was so patient with his rambling. Around three in the morning they both agreed to try to get some sleep and got comfortable in their respective cots.

**OK, so just a little chapter to let you know I am still working on this. Another coming up shortly. Take care and review, please.**


	22. Drifted Apart

**Please review.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references **_**Out of Sight, Out of Mind**_**.**

The Post-Op was full, but not with patients as usual. All the medical staff has assembled to watch the removing of Hawkeye's bandages. The doctor arrived quite early in the day, so Claudia and Hawkeye did not even had the chance to eat beforehand. During their journey to Post-Op Claudia could feel Hawkeye shivering. It was pretty cold, but it was doubtful that was the reason. She squeezed his hand tighter and continued to lead the way. She knew he hardly slept at all, she heard him tossing and turning throughout the whole night and tried to soothe him multiple times. Now the moment of truth arrived.

Hawkeye was sitting on a hospital bed and the eye doctor opposite on another one. The other doctors of 4077 as well as Margaret, two of her nurses and Klinger and Radar stood around watching the examination. Claudia was sitting at the desk, little further away than the crowd, her eyes fixated on Hawkeye as the bandage was removed. He was wearing green trousers and warm brown sweatshirt, his hands grabbing his knees so hard, his knuckles turned white. Then he moved his hands a little to grant the doctor better access to his face and Claudia saw his head without any bandages. Two pieces of gauze still covered his eyes, but she could already see the little gashes around them. The whole area around his eyes was reddened by the recent trauma and would probably stay oversensitive for quite some time.

"Now, Hawkeye, shade your eyes." The doctor said and Hawkeye's shaking hand shot upwards to do just that. You were able to the worry written all over his face, his movement careful and slow. Without the gauze, there were more wounds that became apparent. Claudia realized her heartbeat quickened considerably.

"Now open them slowly."

Hawkeye's hand moved further and further from his face as he opened his eyes with difficulty. Claudia held her breath. For what seemed like forever Hawkeye did not say anything. But when Claudia heard the laughs she knew the answer. Hands were shaken and congratulations given as Hawkeye was blinking furiously to accommodate his eyes. Then the results of yesterday's match were announced on the PA and Major Burns was suddenly besieged by an angry mob. But Hawkeye didn´t pay attention to that for much longer. His eyes rested on the figure at the other side of Post-Op. Claudia was smiling at him. He thought he would never see that.

After thanking the doctor, he turned around to where Claudia sat, but she was nowhere to be found. He walked over to the window to see where she was going and saw her walking across the compound.

"That compound is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." He said to BJ, knowing well he would not know the whole meaning of that sentence.

"Congratulations, Hawkeye. You're a lucky guy."

"Yeah. I got lucky twice. First I got the chance to see without my eyes and then I got them back." Hawkeye smiled to himself. He did get lucky twice recently. For a moment he looked at people chasing Frank and then looked at Claudia who was now entering her tent. He wondered why she disappeared so quickly. He wanted to run to her, but something was stopping him. He loved spending time with her, now that was without question. He was thinking about her during his every waking moment. But he always felt like she was holding back and was a bit confused by that. Well, not always. They were incredibly close while his eyes were out of commission. She gave him the much needed support and comfort, even opened up a little and let him inside her protective shield. Yet right after he was alright again, she fled to her tent. He wondered what showed in her eyes when he wasn't able to see.

* * *

Hawkeye waited about half an hour before facing Claudia. There was a long line of people who wanted to shake his hand and share a drink, so he was busy, but after a while he sneaked out of the celebration in his tent. He just couldn't wait any longer. He was drawn to Claudia like to no other woman before. It was like she was a drug and he just couldn't get enough.

He knew she would be expecting him. The glances between them immediately after his eyes were unwrapped were no mistake. They had a connection and there was no denying that. However, Claudia thought something still stood between them and Hawkeye set his mind firmly on proving her wrong. They were too good together to waste the chance.

He knocked lightly on her door and invited himself right in. She sat on her cot and raised her head when he entered. Her eyes got impossibly big when she watched him approach her.

"I finally get to see you and you run for the hills? What's going on with you?" She stood up before he got to her bed, rushing away into another corner of her tent. It wasn't long before he was met with the sight of her back.

"I didn't think I was needed. You seemed to have more than enough doctors with you then. And admirers as well for that matter." Her voice was quiet, but rough, scaring him a little.

"What that has to do with anything? I want you." He laid his hands lightly on her shoulders, hoping the touch would make her turn around. And it did. "Let's go on a date."

"Hawkeye…" There was something in her eyes he couldn't identify. It wasn't regret, but close and it made his heart stop. "Do not pretend to feel something you don't. Not on my behalf."

"Pretend? I am not pretending anything. I might not know exactly what I am feeling, but I do know I want to be with you. Why is it so hard for you to believe that?" He could see her close up before his eyes. Her face became like a mask and he couldn't read it anymore. He was becoming more and more confused with every second.

"Hawkeye. Yes, we are close. It would be foolish to deny it. But it is more foolish to expect more."

"We have gotten much more than close recently. If you are you having second thoughts, then admit it! But stop with this kind of behavior!"

"Now it's my behavior you don't like? You are free to leave, you know?!"

"I will and gladly!"

* * *

He regretted leaving Claudia's tent immediately after he slammed the door. Instead of clearing things up, he effectively destroyed any chance of them getting together and he still wasn't entirely sure how he did it. He didn't understand her hesitation about them two.

He didn't understand it any more even after thinking about it for four more hours. Then it was time to play cards with the gang which distracted him a little from thinking about Claudia. But still he noticed the light in Claudia's tent went out around midnight and wished he was with her. He couldn't believe it was only a few days ago he held her in his arms, feeling like they would last forever. Now he was feeling stupid for never having sought a confirmation about her feelings when they were together. It would have given him something to hold on to. And it would have made harder for her to ignore their connection whatever her reasons may be.

* * *

It was hard for Claudia to concentrate on paperwork. The visit from Hawkeye shook her to her core. If she was being honest, she did not consider the consequences of getting so close to him. The dire circumstances overruled her caution for once.

What also did not help her concentration were the sensations her brain was projecting into her mind. She could literally feel the taste of Hawkeye's lips in her memories, how it felt to hold him in her arms while running her hand in his hair. Whispering it will be alright. Truth be told, she thought it wouldn't be. Life taught her its unfairness early on and she got even more pessimistic during her time in 4077th. So she took care of Hawkeye as best as she could and did not filter her feelings for him properly.

She couldn't help herself. He was so vulnerable, it was breaking her heart. Normally she would make some half-funny, half-lewd joke about the way he was feeling around with his hands when moving around a tent. But lot of the time she just concentrated on suppressing tears more than anything else.

Claudia thought back to what Hawkeye said to her. He was hurt by her rejection. It was obvious by the way he reacted, but she could also see it in his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes that finally stared at her. One of the reasons she disappeared so quickly was the fact she needed time to process everything that happened between her and Hawkeye. While he was blind, there was no time for that. She just took care of him then.

Now she was beating herself up over how she treated him afterwards. She was very aware of how annoying she was acting. But she was angrier at herself for taking advantage of him when he was unguarded and frightened. It just didn't feel right. Still, she shouldn't stay awake the whole night, she has morning shift in Post-Op.


	23. Enigmas of War

**Please review.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references **_**Lt. Radar O'Reilly, The Nurses and The Abduction of Margaret Houllihan**_**.**

Everyone in the 4077th has noticed the different atmosphere between Claudia and Hawkeye. They went from being practically inseparable to religiously avoiding each other. During high stress sessions in the OR, they broke the monotony of slagging off Frank Burns to occasionally talking a jab at each other, which met with surprising stares and suppressed laughter from the staff. Hawkeye started publically questioning why she was writing letters to his father, while Claudia proclaimed it was because "he was the Pierce she liked".

With the exception of work, they haven't seen each other since he got his sight back and although both of them were obviously distressed by the prospect, neither would admit it. Hawkeye went back to play poker and drink whenever and whatever he could and Claudia buried herself in her work and secret correspondence. During the last mal call she had gotten a dozen official letters and she needed to sort through them as soon as possible. Especially since even if she were to write right back, who knows how long would the post take to get to the States.

Claudia also spent a nice evening in officers' bar talking to Lieutenant Baker who seemed infatuated with Radar. They were later joined by all the other nurses and a few of the enlisted. The whole camp was drowning in blues after a difficult time in OR. The Post-Op was crammed with people suffering horrible burns and they were already running low on morphine. Klinger was drinking more than anyone else, since Radar was promoted and he was training in the office and really hated every second of it. The weather was quickly becoming unbearably hot in Korea, so all of this was happening in suffocating sweaty hell.

Major Houllihan was driving the nurses crazy and Claudia had so much other work she wasn't around to ease the tension. She heard a tent has been quarantine and a shouting match has occurred in Colonel Potter's office, but nothing else. It wasn't until the next day that she got told the whole story when she bumped into a teary-eyed Margaret in the scrub room.

Despite her embarrassment, Margaret was persuaded by Claudia into talking and quietly, but quickly updated her on recent events. Claudia could see the questions in her friend's eyes. Margaret felt really hurt by being excluded from the nurses' sisterhood.

"Major?" Claudia said, putting herself skillfully into surgical garb. Noticing the Major dropping her eyes to the floor, she paused. "Margaret, I have to go in. There's a pregnant woman and it's a breach. But we'll talk afterwards, alright?" She tied her facemask and added. "They don't hate you, you know? They just don't feel comfortable talking to you because you seem so distant." And with that she ran out.

The following minutes were all a big blur for Claudia. The baby was clearly rushing into the world, which presented a whole range of problems. The mother was very dehydrated and exhausted to point of fainting. Claudia worried they might have to do a C-section, but a few minutes later, she was handing the little baby to Lieutenant Gaynor who proceeded to show her to the staff in the scrub room. Claudia threw away her gloves and momentarily looked out of the door window in the direction of the baby crying out.

Hawkeye was standing there, looking down lovingly at the infant with his hand around Nurse Gaynor's shoulders who was crying more than the newly-born baby. It looked like he was whispering something. Then she saw Margaret coming closer to see the baby as well and Hawkeye was shielded from her view.

* * *

For all the fuss Major Houllihan had been responsible for then, it was still nothing compared to the time she disappeared. She finished her shift in Post-Op and then she was nowhere to be found. Radar was told to find her and spent the next few hours running around the camp turning over every rock. He asked Claudia three times if she had seen her. The last time was when she changed direction to avoid meeting Hawkeye, who was going to shower.

About a minute or two after that she heard the shot. She sprinted out of her tent and looked around. Not seeing anything suspicious, she continued to run towards the OR where the injured party would end up eventually. The wound wasn't too bad and BJ was the calmest in the room. Hawkeye and Claudia were once again in the same room and there was a sense of awkwardness spreading out.

"How do you do, Colonel?" He finally asked, while Claudia examined BJ wound.

"Superb. How are you?" She said, not lifting her eyes from BJ.

"Okay, too much shooting here for my taste." His voice had this sad quality she hated to hear in it. But she still wasn't in a forgiving mood.

"I heard you singing in the shower earlier, which is why I thought you got shot."

"I have the voice of an angel, I'll let you know. And you have the body of one." Her eyes suddenly shot up to meet his and when they did, they both froze. Without moving a muscle they stared at each other, completely ignoring the injured BJ who had a knowing smile on his face. They were so close, Claudia could feel the heat rising from Hawkeye´s body.

Suddenly a little ping tore them away from their moment. A nurse on the opposite side of the room dropped an instrument. Claudia let out a breath she wasn´t aware she was holding.

"How's that, BJ?" Claudia asked, looking at her work. The bandage was firmly held in place and everything looked per regulations.

"Fantastic, thank you." BJ said, still sporting that smile.

"Okay, then I'll leave, boys." Claudia announced, quickly leaving.

Hawkeye helped BJ stand up and tried to ignore his friends' catty stares. But then BJ spoke.

"What happened between you two, Hawk?"

"When I figure that out, I'll tell you."

* * *

Hawkeye needed some time alone after the run-in with Claudia. It felt extraordinarily intimate to be so close to her again. Knowing what she tastes like, what it's like to hold her body close and still be not allowed to touch her. And he definitely wasn't the only one whose heart was racing when they were fixing up BJ after Frank shot him. What was going on in that pretty head of hers? Hawkeye yearned to know. She was unattainable, although she was just inches away from him.

Ever since she was forbidden fruit, he kept himself busy by anything he could think of. Playing basketball with Frank's shirt, writing home or drinking to forget her or himself, whichever came first. He needed an outlet for his emotions, but without her being close, he felt trapped. Every time he saw her rushing away from him to avoid a conversation, his heart stopped.

And she was so good in the OR. She was almost always the first one in and the last one out. She was focused on work, doing it quickly, but thoroughly and still she remembered that patients were people. She… she was all he thought about recently.

Even though she pushed him away, he could still feel her stares sometimes. He felt she was watching him when Nurse Gaynor was showing the baby to the room. He didn't know what to do, he just stared at the little bundle trying to smile like nothing was going on. And after someone said: "Isn't she beautiful?"

Hawkeye answered quietly, looking up at Claudia finally. "Just like her doctor."

She disappeared from his view a moment after that.


	24. Mind Games

**I'd like to thank people who found the time to write a review - juniper. berries. ****50 and Sadie7.**

**As for the end of chapter 23, they were all preparing to spend hours in the OR, so their personal lives had to take backseat anyway and also it wouldn't be true to either Claudia's or Hawkeye's character due to all of their issues if they just got together again then and there. **

**Please keep the reviews coming! **

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references **_**Dear Sigmund and Mulcahy's War**_**.**

In the middle of all her emotion upheaval, the news of Sidney's arrival reached Claudia and frankly that was something she could do without. Knowing that he would surely come knocking on her door didn't improve her mood. Strangely though, he kept away for days. Apparently he wasn't in the greatest mood either according to the rumors.

Claudia therefore avoided the poker games and officers' club and hoped it was enough. She had a lot of work anyway and with Colonel Potter going away for a few days, her workload increased even more. She found Sidney at the doorstep of her tent six days after he arrived.

"I wondered when you're going to show up. Took you long enough." She said to him and gestured for him to come in. He put the bottle of original Swamp-made poison on the table and sat down in the chair, looking up at her.

"I had other engagements." His voice was steady and calm, as always. Claudia got two glasses, poured the drinks and then sat down on her bed.

"Poker nights and cockroach races?"

"I thought I would have met you in the Swamp." He said, his eyes studying the woman in front of him. Claudia fidgeted a little under his inspection.

"Yeah, well… circumstances change."

"You should have seen the look on Hawkeye's face when Klinger ask if you were going to play."

"Thought you came here to get away from work, Sidney."

"In my line of work that's not possible." Sidney stayed silent for a while, just watching Claudia taking a long sip from her glass. She didn't look at him. The silence got really awkward, but she didn't even move, let alone speak. Sidney continued, then. "So what happened? I gather you two got close."

"Couldn't have gotten closer if I tried." Her eyes shot up and met his and finally he got the confirmation of his suspicion. She was on the verge of tears. "It happened while he couldn't see. I just… He was so scared, Sidney. It was heart-breaking. We spent almost the whole time together, in each other's arms."

"And after he was alright?"

"He asked me out and I refused." Claudia was again looking anywhere but at him. She knew her recent behavior was questionable and deeply irrational, but despite that she couldn't help but defend it.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?! His reputation, my future. We're not a good match."

"Aren't you? Is that what you thought when you took care of him while he was blind?" Sidney drank from his glass so the tent was filled with silence for a minute. "Claudia, just because it doesn't have the potential to last forever, it doesn't mean it's not worth trying. I can tell Hawkeye cares about you."

"I know he does."

"Then doesn't he deserve a chance?"

"Sidney, I am both afraid of getting hurt and of hurting him. My love life has never gone brilliantly. I am not good at these things."

"Relationships are complicated."

"I am not even sure whether I would recognize love if I felt it."

"Then don't be fussy about what to call it. Hawkeye's probably not comfortable with the word love either."

Claudia sighed loudly, taking her time with the response. "You are right. I am just worried I pushed him too far away this time."

"Then talk to him."

"I never know what to say to him. With all that's going on, sometimes I just have nothing left in me."

"Claudia, you are one of the smartest people I ever met. And I am not just talking about pure intelligence, I am talking about how you are also honest with everyone, including yourself, and how much you care about people. If there's a way to reconcile, you'll find it."

"Great pep talk, Sidney. Now let's talk about what's bothering you."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Sidney. Who do you think you are talking to, huh? Let me remind you that I am one of the smartest people you ever met."

"I just feel a little low, Claudia. It happens to everyone."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not yet, Claudia. Please let it go."

"As long as you're sure?"

"Yeah. Let's talk about something else."

"Then how about we go to the Officers' Club for something better to drink?"

"Good idea."

So they covered themselves in many layers of clothing and set out on the journey. The club was almost empty, with only few enlisted sitting near the bar. Claudia chose the table in the corner and sat down, watching Sidney getting the first round.

A cheesy romantic song played softly in the background while they talked, and they discussed just about everything that night. Claudia told him about the bug out and how Hawkeye, Major Houllihan and Radar stayed behind and how emotional she got. She told him about the long conversation she had with Margaret about the situation. As it turned out, the Ice Queen was shaken by how vulnerable she felt when they stayed behind and for once she let herself open up a little. Well, Claudia had to get her drunk before that happened, but then they talked it over. After that, Margaret was a little more available to Claudia, which culminated in their conversation following the Nurse Baker's incident. And they were even sober for that one.

She also told Sidney about the time Hawkeye had an accident on the way home from an aid station. And then she touched on how the argument Hawkeye and she had after he regained his sight. Sidney shared updates about few of the POW's she helped him with and other patients that occupied his thoughts. He also offered sympathies about Claudia's father, which prompted them to talk about him a bit. But Sidney could tell this was still too fresh a wound.

When they broke up the party early in the morning, they were both pretty talked out.

"I always thought you'd make a great psychiatrist." Sidney said as a goodbye.

Claudia laughed, and they parted ways.

* * *

The next day Claudia caught side of Hawkeye leaving Rosie's and bumping into a limping soldier. He was all bundled up against the cold, hands stuck deep in his pocket and his scarf wrapped tight around his neck. He didn't notice Claudia as he passed her.

She couldn't help but think back to their time together every time she saw him. Perhaps Sidney was right. It was obvious she felt something towards Hawkeye.

Sighing, she turned in the direction of the mess tent. She promised Colonel Potter they would share a lunch. Since he came back, they hadn't really talked much shop and they had some issues to discuss and reports to sign. For one, there was shortage of sulfur, surgical gowns and rubber gloves and it was getting desperate. On top of that an epidemic of dysentery was sweeping the camp, with three nurses out of the duty roster.

Thankfully the business was slow the past few days. So Claudia even helped BJ with a few pranks now and then. Boy, was he surprised when she confronted him about them. He thought he was in the clear, but Claudia suspected it was him from the beginning.

And she got really angry at BJ for not waiting for her before tricking Frank into taking a swim into one of the holes that he dug out for safety and that was responsible for two broken legs just this week. He let Sidney shout air raid rather than her. She'll get him back for that.

Sidney left shortly after unveiling the cherry tree branch, but not before they talked about what was bothering him. He said something to the Swamp boys, but Frank interrupted them, so afterwards he came to Claudia to get it all off his shoulders. Thankfully she just finished her shift and was free.

* * *

They all met in the Officers' Club after the Father Mulcahy's adventure to the aid station. Colonel Potter and Hawkeye came as the last ones of the gang, bringing the good news. The patient will be okay. And Corporal Cupcake too. Despite the generally great atmosphere, Claudia could see Father Mulcahy and Radar were still recovering from what they'd been through. Colonel Potter exuded calm leadership and BJ was just happy everyone was fine.

Hawkeye wore his usual radiant smile that Claudia liked so much. She found herself watching him very closely. And it seemed to be mutual. His kind blue eyes were often on her, with this confident look that gave her hope. Still, Claudia stood next to Radar and he stood at the other end of the bar, talking to Colonel Potter. Neither of them had the nerve to cross the divide between them. Or maybe Hawkeye wasn't interested in her anymore. He could have any nurse in the camp from what she heard.

She missed him. Of course she did. You don't get so close to someone and then just forget them. By the middle of the night, Radar was dancing with any nurse who would have him. Apparently his heroic journey to aid station made him very popular with the ladies of 4077. He was still the little innocent kid, so it was just dancing, but it was nice to watch him enjoying the attention. Father Mulcahy danced with Claudia for one song and then just drank at the bar.

After the dance with Father Mulcahy Claudia sat down at the bar as well, next to Colonel Potter, who looked very exhausted.

"You alright, Colonel?"

"I am thinking I am too old for this by now…" He sighed quietly, drinking the last of his drink.

"Nonsense, you have more energy than the rest of us combined." Hawkeye leaned closer to the Colonel and took a pretzel from the bowl. Taking a bite, he locked eyes with Claudia.

"Be that as it may, I am going to get some shut eye. Goodnight, kids."

And with those words from Colonel Potter, Claudia and Hawkeye were left alone. He was again sporting his winning smile, but saying nothing. The silence became quite awkward, but he just kept on smiling, looking straight at her. Finally she spoke, her voice shaking a little.

"Oh, Hawkeye. My life is so complicated."

He stepped closer to her, took her hand into his and with an intense look he quietly whispered. "I've always loved a puzzle."

**I spent some time rereading all the previous chapters and looking for grammatical errors and typos, so you might have gotten alerts that I uploaded something new, but nothing major was changed. For a while chapter 16 was switched with another one, but it's all fixed now.**

**Hope you are all alright.**


	25. Close Enough

**This chapter is rated M.**

**Thanks to Jess for a review. Appreciate it. Please, keep 'em comin'.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references **_**Dear Sigmund and The Korean Surgeon**_** and the book MASH FAQ by Dale Sherman.**

Although they didn't automatically reverse back to their previous closeness, Hawkeye and Claudia's relationship improved significantly. For one, they were able to engage in casual conversation and not having it end in an argument. On top of that, they didn't mind sitting next to each other in the mess tent or during meeting in Colonel Potter's office and sometimes even exchanged harmless banter.

The personnel of 4077 picked up on the change, but everyone knew better than to comment on it. Plus the workload was keeping everyone too busy to do much else than their duty. With the UN side doing much better now, wounded UN soldiers were often transported directly to Japan, however the sever cases and the influx of injured enemy soldiers after overrunning North Korean and Chinese aid stations kept 4077 busy anyway.

And although Claudia was holding it together, Hawkeye was worried about her. He remembered well how she reacted the last time she saw a North Korean uniform. However whenever he tried to breach the subject, she excused herself and disappeared. It didn't help that he never seem to know what to say.

He knew what he wanted to do. That was gently pulled her body into his arms and never let go. Inhale her scent and get lost in it while whispering her name. Feeling her shivering with anticipation as his lips were searching hers, slowly giving in their needs. He longed for her presence. But as soon as he was with her, he couldn't get himself to concentrate on anything.

So the days passed, and between picking up parasites one by one from stomach wound and dropping them into buckets before starting the actual surgery, and trying to reconstruct crashed arteries with grafts, they barely saw each other. One of the rare instances, when he got to spend some time with her, was right after she reprimanded Margaret for how she treated enemy patients. She accused one of trying to kill a wounded American when all he was trying to do was help him by clearing a breathing tube.

"So the grafting was successful. His leg will be as good as new in a few months." Claudia said, recounting the operation.

"Well, that deserves a celebration!" Hawkeye said, with a sense of pride. "Or at least a drink. What do you say?"

"I could use a drink. Courageous enough to go into my tent?" Claudia gestured towards her olive-green tent, smiling softly. He returned the smile and walked a bit faster.

Once there, Hawkeye sat down on her cot and studied the way Claudia moved around her tent. Soon enough, there was a cup of strong liquor in his hand and Claudia was pouring herself one.

"Cheers, my dear." Hawkeye couldn't hide his excitement and his voice was exuding it as well.

"Cheers. And I am not your dear, honey." Her lips curled into a bigger smile as she sat down next to him.

"Sorry, Ma'am." Hawkeye took another gulp of the bitter liquid and was suddenly feeling a surge of honesty coming his way. "I missed you, you know."

Claudia looked at him, surprised at how quickly he got to the issue. He hasn't shaven in a few days and so he looked a little scruffy, but still to her, he looked perfect. The exhaustion of the recent days showed on his face and often made him yawn. Realizing she had not said anything for quite a while, she whispered his nickname.

"Yes?" He answered quickly.

"I missed you, too." She admitted quietly, putting down her cup on the table. Hawkeye followed her example and once his hands were free, he put them around her shoulders, pulling her close. She felt nicely familiar pressed against his body. His lips traveled slowly down her neck, kissing her lightly. His administrations were rewarded by a soft moan that wonderfully broke the silence and drove him wild.

Meanwhile her hands dipped under his shirt, caressing him gently. They both felt uneasy with the situation, more so than before due to their angry interlude. It was as if they were getting acquainted for the first time, but at the same time knew precisely how great the result would be. For a moment they both stopped and just stared at each other, hyperventilating.

She could again see that spark in his eyes that she loved, that always made her feel like she was about to lose control. His blue eyes were on her, drinking in every movement she made. So she leaned forward and captured his lips in a tender kiss. He responded quickly, kissing her back with more passion than he ever kissed anyone with.

Her lips were as sweet as he remembered them to be, the taste sending tingling sensation all along his spine. They bodies were smashed together so tight, they felt each other's hearts beating.

"Oh, Hawkeye." She purred as they drew apart, panting. He hold her gaze as his hands slipped under her shirt, stroking her velvet skin. As always, she was very responsive, moaning and quivering under his touch. That fired Hawkeye up even more. Without breaking eye contact, he got rid of her jacket and began to caress the skin newly made accessible to him.

"You're so beautiful." Hawkeye breathed out loudly, trying to calm himself down. Her body was driving him crazy and by the look of it, she wasn't far behind. It wasn't long till they were grabbing at each other's clothing in desperate rush to remove any barriers between their bodies.

When they both undressed, he gently pressed her into the bed, lying on top of her as their lips locked together again. She twisted her right hand in his hair and the other around his back, bringing his body even closer to hers. The sensations were overwhelming. Somehow, for a brief moment, they forgot where they were and how much they've seen. The fierceness of their encounter surprised both of them, but neither complained. They were engulfed in each other's presence, enjoying the tantalizing warmth of the contact.

Hawkeye made special effort to be gentle this time, to show her how much he missed her company and how much he cared about her. Therefore he didn't want to rush through this, but rather get to really enjoy it. He watched the way her swollen lips shivered when he teased her with his fingers, trying to memorize the scene. He listened for the barely audible gasps that meant she was close and then stopped his administrations for a few seconds to prolong her pleasure, despite her pleas to continue. His lips were busy dancing around her erect nipples and his hands were massaging her breasts every now and then.

It was increasingly difficult for him to ignore his own arousal, especially since she was arching her body up against his, periodically ramming it against him. A frustrated growl escaped his lips, and it made her pulse speed up even more, because it revealed how much he wanted her. His urgent need was more than little flattering. He originally wanted to wait to see her come apart underneath him before taking it further, but now he was doubting his ability to control himself long enough. And judging by her eager enthusiasm, she wouldn't mind.

He got a confirmation of that only a moment later, when she took matters in her own hands, so to speak. They shared in their frantic effort to be quiet while their bodies screamed for them to vocalize the earth-shattering excitement that ran through their veins. They were in danger of letting their primal emotions get the best of them before they together collapsed on the bed, totally exhausted. It probably wouldn't be good if the whole camp was able to hear them.

After they sufficiently calmed down to become lucid again, Hawkeye grabbed her blanket and threw it over their joint bodies. They stayed like that until Radar came looking for Hawkeye.

* * *

As Claudia later found out, Hawkeye was needed in Colonel Potter's office because of Major Houllihan ever-present paranoia. She was suspicious about the new doctor from the start and Major Burns agreed mainly to get on her good side again. Claudia didn't know what to think, since she didn't met the new doctor yet. The shifts were scheduled so they always missed each other. And during operations in the OR, you don't really have time to have a meaningful chat. From what she has seen, he was an able surgeon.

The only thing that made her a little suspicious herself was the secretive behavior of Radar and the Swamp guys. It seemed they were planning something, only recently she caught them having a private chat in Colonel's office. And they were all pretty startled when she walked in. So frankly, it was possible something was up.

And every time she indirectly asked Radar about it, he excused himself and ran away. He paused for a while, after she told him she'd be the one performing annual nurses' physicals this year, so she could imagine the Swamp boys dangled this in front of him to gain his cooperation. Some other time she would make an effort to find out the truth, but lately she was getting too many sad news to care. In the end the cover-up was discovered even without her joining in, even though if she did it might have ended differently. It did hurt her that boys hadn't included her in their action plan. She could have helped. Instead they did a stupid thing in the most stupid way they possible could and they lost the surgeon.

After Frank came back, covered in dust and limping in exhaustion, the camp started to go back to how it was. New regulations were put in place regarding distribution of supplies, specifically saying Frank Burns should stay away from it in the future.

Claudia found herself closing off again. In part due to the numerous letters she received about the dire situation in Central Europe, but also because she was again reminded how different she and Hawkeye was in some aspects. Yes, they shared most of the same values, but she found his disdain for rules and authority pretty worrisome. Especially since he was seemingly doing things without any regard for consequences. And somehow it seemed more like irresponsibility than bravery in his case.

Their difference made for some interesting conversations, but mainly they avoided the contested topics. As in this instance, Claudia kept her distance, so she didn't have a chance to say something she'd regret. She was angry to be left out, sure, but also about the fact that they endangered their careers as well as Colonel Potter's, who despite all their shenanigans always fought for them. So she wanted to wait until the air was sufficiently cleared, but Hawkeye pretty much cornered her in the mess tent.

"Heard you were feeling a little under the weather. Are you okay?" Hawkeye's voice was caring, as always, but also insecure.

"Nothing a little rest cannot fix. Thanks for asking." She tried to sound casual, but somehow she failed to do so. It seemed to her it was clear something was bothering her.

"Okay, so let's have it." Hawkeye sat, sitting down opposite of her, preparing himself for an altercation.

"What are you talking about?" Claudia asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You are upset with me."

"Hawkeye…" Claudia took the cup of coffee he was offering her and drank from it. "Do you wanna get into it now?"

"Not really, but I don't want you to avoid me. I told you I am serious about us." He moved his hand along the table until it came to rest on hers. His touch was light, but still it made her heart race. She looked up at him, noticing how tired he looked. Or maybe sad.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you just forgot about the war and the army. There are rules and regulations that need to be followed. You could have destroyed Colonel Potter's life with your little stunt. And yours, BJ's and Radar's." She hold onto his hand, caressing it gently while she talked.

"Are you angry about what I did or that I didn't tell you?"

"Both. It's a breach of trust, but also I could have helped you. We could have tried to figure something out, but due to your deceit all the options are gone." She let go of his hand to take a sip of coffee. He kept watching her closely, waiting for her to continue speaking. "You keep doing irresponsible things and I'm worried. War is a dangerous place, Hawkeye. I'd hate to see you get hurt."

"Claudia, you're so sweet." Hawkeye whispered.


	26. On Journeys

**Thanks to Guest for a review. **

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to **_**Hawkeye Get Your Gun**_** and the book MASH FAQ by Dale Sherman.**

They were operating around the clock, Colonel Potter called it right. The casualties just kept coming. Anytime it seemed like they might be getting close to the end, a new batch of wounded arrived. It was increasingly difficult to stay awake, working on one patient after the other. Claudia began the stretch with a string of resections of bowels and one damaged femoral artery, but then the chest cases started coming in. She was still feeling pretty beat, but there was no time to think about that.

Major Burns, on the other hand, was doing his best to handle the easiest operations and at the same time keep insulting the Colonel due to his age, which made the atmosphere even weirder. Radar got 4 days off, but thankfully before he left the camp, he made sure they had enough plasma, whole blood and morphine. So even with so many injured people arriving steadily, they were prepared as best as they could have been. Which was lucky, because some of the wounded boys had more holes in them than a sieve.

In the end, they were at it for thirty four hours with the occasional five minutes break. Colonel Potter and Rester were the last one left in the OR, with Claudia working on a pierced gallbladder and Potter finishing up on a chest wound.

"How are you doing, Claudia?" Potter asked while checking his own work. He was almost done.

"Good, will be closing soon."

"That's not what I meant."

"Don't worry, I survived the thirty hours beforehand, I can take another five minutes."

"I'd still feel better if you got some rest in the next few days."

"Colonel? I appreciate it, but…"

"No buts, or I'll make it an order."

"Alright, close for me, please. I am going to do sleepy-sleepy."

"Good girl."

"Goodnight, father." Claudia said loudly and with rolling of her eyes left the OR.

After so many demanding hours, almost the whole camp was sleeping. Everything was quiet except a few steps now and there due to shift change. It took another dozen hours before the usual business of the outfit returned. Colonel Potter finally got to paint Hawkeye – with his boots on the desk and a drink in hand. Claudia visited them for a little chat.

"Well, boys, hello, are you having fun?" She gave them a big smile.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?"

"I was. But I got too bored."

"You came to the right place to get excited." Hawkeye winked at Claudia and blew her a kiss.

"Don't move, Romeo."

"Yeah, let the artist work. Oh, nice." Claudia then turned to Hawkeye. "He even made you look attractive."

"That's not hard to do, I am the best looking woman here. Oh, wait, no, that's you."

Colonel Potter caught the way Hawkeye was looking at Claudia, but didn't say anything. He didn't want to rock the boat and for once he was just going to enjoy the peace and quiet between the two of them. Well, reasonable quiet, since they both needed to comment on everything all the time. Sporadically they engaged him in their conversation, but mainly it was Claudia and Hawkeye who did the talking. It didn't take long, though, before Claudia left and Colonel Potter started to worry about the state of her health. He was going to check up on her later or maybe he could send Hawkeye, surely he would gladly volunteer. Or maybe not, he needed a doctor's opinion and not a hanky panky enthusiast's one.

Potter's concern turned out to be right, so he confined her to her bed, stressing he doesn't want to see her at work for at least three days. On the way back from her tent, Klinger jumped out at him and offered to read his fortune from his shadow. Sighing, the Colonel returned to his office just in time to hear the phone ringing. A South Korean hospital needed supplies and two surgeons.

* * *

Claudia found out about Potter and Hawkeye's trip after they already were gone. Although she was awake, they didn't even say goodbye. She knew why. Colonel Potter was worried she would want to go and of course she would. It should've been her, it would have made more sense.

And now she was stuck in the camp while the Colonel and Hawkeye were being shot at or who knows what. Hawkeye didn't belong nearer the front. He didn't even belong at 4077th. His very skilled hands belonged back in the States, performing miracles at the forefront of medicine. Instead he was in horrible danger.

At the very moment when Claudia fell asleep again, Hawkeye and the Colonel were operating for the twentieth hour straight, trying to forget about how unsterile everything around them seemed. It was difficult to operate with nurses who barely spoke English and use only instruments that were available.

Hawkeye missed the old 4077, and was genuinely looking forward to seeing it again. Plus that's where Claudia was. He was going to answer for disappearing like that, he knew, but Potter had asked him not to tell her and for once, Hawkeye did as he was told. Her health issues worried him and frankly he'd rather go himself than watch her leave for the front.

Situation at the Korean hospital was bad and the injuries even worse, the wounds full of worms and dust. He was dead on his feet when they finally got to rest. And the Colonel didn't even sleep then, he waited until Hawkeye got some rest and could take his place.

"Hey, listen, you wanna finish a great dream for me?" Hawkeye asked Colonel Potter with a big grin.

"If I can't come up with one of my own."

"I was in the candle-lit room, soft music in the background, soft girl in the foreground…"

"Stop right there, I am a married man!"

"Well, can you at least buy her a drink till I get back?"

"Sure."

It went without saying, Hawkeye didn't confess the identity of the woman he was dreaming about. Claudia was the center of his dreams since they shared their first kiss.

* * *

When Hawkeye and Colonel Potter reached the 4077, both were exhausted beyond belief. They sweated all the way through their uniform, the dust of the Korean road sticking to them stubbornly. The alcoholic haze was slowly turning into a bad hangover and without any water to soothe their thirst, the journey was difficult. It didn't help that Hawkeye had finally some time to think about everything he went through those past two days. He had been at aid stations before, where the fighting was more intense, but even there the conditions were more sanitary.

So when Hawkeye and the Colonel stumbled into the camp in the middle of the night, they weren't on their sharpest. They did try to be quiet and not disturb the sleeping personnel, but they really weren't up for it in their disheveled state. First one to show up was BJ, who was still awake worrying about his two friends. He ran out of Swamp, ignoring Frank's complains about the noise and rushed to help them.

Claudia was the second one to reach them, dressed in a fluffy gown. She took in the scene, raising an eyebrow and looking at BJ, who was trying to help Colonel Potter stand up straight.

"Where's your jeep? What happened to you?" She asked, letting Hawkeye lean against her.

"We got bombed." Hawkeye said, barely able to articulate the words between fits of hysterical laughter.

BJ and Claudia looked at each other again, slightly amused.

"OK, Beej. Let's divide and conquer." Claudia said, shrugging her shoulders. "Come on, Hawk. Let's make you a little presentable." She slid her hand around Hawkeye's waist, bringing his body closer and then guiding him to the shower tent. She threw him into the stall with his clothes still on, soaking him from head to toe. The smell of strong liquor was hanging in the air.

"What are you d-. " Hawkeye speech was cut short by a wave of water hitting his face. "Hey!"

"Calm down, Hawkeye, you are going to feel much better afterwards." Claudia watched as Hawkeye turned to her, his hand clutching the side of the stall for balance. He ran the fingers of his other hand over her cheek, lightly caressing it. He felt her breath hitched.

"Was it rough, Hawkeye?" She asked, worried.

Noticing Hawkeye dropping his eyes, it was clear he didn't want to talk about it now. She respected that. After turning off the water, she threw his robe over, the one that Klinger kindly brought in, and helped him to her tent, where Klinger already laid out some clothes for Hawkeye. In contrast to how loud Hawkeye was when entering the 4077 camp, now he was silent.

Claudia helped him out of the wet clothing, her hands gentle and searching. He enjoyed her touch, closing his eyes at times, trying to focus only on her. It wasn't long before he was comfortably in clean dry clothes, settling next to her on the army cot. She was laying on her side, looking down at him and running her hand through his damp hair.

"I am sorry." He whispered quietly, scooting even closer to her.

"Sssssh. Sleep, let's talk tomorrow." Claudia reassured him, putting her hand around him.

He must have been completely worn out, because he was in deep sleep in about a minute or so. He didn't even wake up when BJ came to check on them. Apparently Colonel Potter was already in his tent preparing to go to sleep as well.

"Did he say anything about what happened?" Claudia was interested.

"Not really. But it must had been tough. They are both really out of it, huh?"

"Yeah, well, we can't really blame them, can we?" She said, again looking at the man next to her, still running her hand through his hair.

BJ gave her a little wave and with that he left, leaving her in the silent tent. Just occasionally a little whimper escaped from Hawkeye's lips as he trashed around in his sleep. Claudia wondered whether he was experiencing an unpleasant dream, because every time he squeezed closer to her.

In the end she barely slept. She managed to fall asleep early in the morning, but had to go visit the latrine a while later. And while she was already up and out of her tent, she decided to get some water. Hawkeye would certainly need it.

He was slowly awakening by the time she stepped into her tent, groaning quietly while rubbing his eyes. Claudia put the water on the table and rushed to pull up a chair next to the bed.

"Hawkeye, good morning. Are you feeling better?" She said, deliberately very softly.

He turned slowly to face her and she immediately noticed the dark circles under his eyes. It took him a while to sit up, but he managed it and then quickly grabbed the glass of water she offered. He gulped it down as she watched him with an amused look on her face.

"Thank you. You saved my life." He ran his hands through his hair, noticing it was clean. Cleaner than it could have been after the adventure on the way back. Did he have a shower or what? She caught his hands into hers, seeing how they were shaking.

"I have an inkling that Colonel Potter probably did save you more than I did. What happened to you out there?" She still spoke quiet softly, aware he probably had a hell of a headache.

"Well, we got drunk apparently. I definitely remember that…" Hawkeye sighed loudly. "Why do you think something worth mentioning happened?"

"Well, for one, you lost your jeep." Claudia said, reminding him his ordeal.

"Oh, yeah. It got blown up." Hawkeye said, trying to make it seem like no big deal.

But Claudia wasn't fooled, because Hawkeye was too beat to lie successfully. She shifted closer to the edge of the chair to be closer to him and enveloped him in her arms. She could feel him hugging her back, inhaling her scent and kissing her neck. He was tense, she could tell.

"Hawkeye, tell me what happened."

He did tell her, in embarrassing detail, what they went through on their trip. Even including the time they stopped at the checkpoint and the soldier said the hospital is dead ahead. He talked about the conditions at the hospital, how he heard patients screaming in agony when they arrived because the hospital ran out of all painkillers. He also confessed how he managed to hypnotize himself to sleep instead of Colonel Potter. He left out the part when he dreamed about her, it didn't really fit the mood, so then he skipped to the part when they got bombed and shot at.

She listened to him carefully, not ever interrupting, just occasionally reassuring him with a caress or a squeeze of a hand. He didn't look at her much during his narration, which made her wonder if he told her everything important or what was going on. But she didn't push. He's been through enough.

**Please review.**


	27. Shadows

**I have just gotten my results from a COVID-19 test and it's negative. Hurray!**

**Please review. **

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to **_**Hawkeye Get Your Gun, Colonel's Horse, the book MASH FAQ by Dale Sherman and the movie Milada by Netflix**_**.**

Claudia finally caught up with Colonel Potter at lunch, after spending the whole morning with Hawkeye. They had some admin issues to discuss plus Colonel Potter wanted to do a check up to determine how Claudia was doing. He wasn't satisfied with the results, so he made it clear Claudia should stay on bed rest, which made her pretty angry since it meant Burns will be in command for a few days. She will still be the ranking officer, but Burns will be doing all the commanding. For a full week, the Colonel Potter will be gone and Claudia's not up to it. Damn, she hated when Burns got his two left hands on the 4077 command.

They also talked about the Colonel Potter and Hawkeye's trip to the Korean hospital 426. That's when Claudia learned about Hawkeye's reluctance to shoot his gun and the argument about it. She could only guess how he was feeling now. He still got a little quiet sometimes, tuning out the reality and just staring into space. That's what happened when Claudia was telling Hawkeye that she arranged for Hawkeye's clothes to be washed. He arrived with smudges of red all over the front of his t-shirt, which alarmed Claudia at first, but thankfully it wasn't his blood.

Colonel Potter left the next day, around noon. Claudia saw him sitting in the jeep, talking to Hawkeye and Radar. She was just going to her tent after eating a small breakfast and getting her mail from Radar. Today was pretty cold, so she put on her warmer gown and sat down at the table, opening one letter after another.

She was aware people in the camp thought she must be really popular or have a really big family, judging by how much mail she got. But most of it was form the US government demanding further information on people she knew or could have known. And sometimes the request was accompanied by announcing that said person had died. This was the case today. She sighed loudly, putting down the letter and let her head slid into her hands. She had no idea how long she stayed like that, but it would be longer, had she not been interrupted by Hawkeye entering the tent.

"Hello, my darling. How are you feeling?" He had big grin on his face, which disappeared when he noticed her sad look.

She took a few deep breaths to calm down before she spoke. "What are you doing here? I could be contagious."

"But you're not. I asked Colonel Potter." With a wink, he walked closer to her.

"Before or after you begged him to buy you more nudist magazines in Tokyo?" A little smile crossed her face as she looked straight at him.

"What? Ehm…"

She chuckled. "I don't mind. As long as you don't try to grab Margaret or her appendix."

"How do you know about her appendix?" His eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"Radar overheard you and the Colonel plus he also noticed you ran to Margaret's tent immediately after the Colonel left." Her explanation was swift and somehow sounded angry.

"Radar used to be loyal to me. What did you do to him?" Hawkeye spoke slowly, weighing the words. He wondered what was up with Claudia. She didn't even look at him most of the time. Hm. He walked around the chair she sat on and settle on the bed.

"Radar is still angry you told him he will be chosen for assisting with the nurses' annual check-up when actually I will be deciding that." She smirked.

"We didn't deceive him on purpose. It didn't occur to us you'll be the one doing the check-ups."

"So you forgot about me? Well, thank you!" She said it loudly and quickly, but still with a hint of joking.

"No, I'll never forget about you." For a moment they just stared longingly in each other's eyes. Then Hawkeye brought their lips together in a burning kiss. He could feel Claudia's trembling body pressed against his as she moaned in appreciation. They drew apart to get some air and smiled at each other.

"Your lips taste divine, you know that?" Claudia whispered into his ear while Hawkeye's hands worshipped her body. They continued to kiss eagerly like a pair of horny teenagers for a few minutes, savoring the moment. It was amazing how compatible they were, every touch proved that.

Hawkeye grabbed her hands and pulled her on top of him, as he leaned back on the cot. She buried her face in his shoulder, clearly enjoying the closeness as his hands were teasingly making their way down her back. He cried out her name, which made her smile, but then she noticed he winced in pain.

"What is it, Hawkeye?" She asked, worried, shifting her weight to lie beside him rather than on top of him.

"Oh, nothing." His voice was low as he was still gasping from their make out session. "Where were we?" He leaned towards her to kiss her again, but she stopped him.

"Hawkeye. Come on."

"I just got a few bruises on the way back here from the Korean hospital. The Colonel and I jumped in a trench to hide and the landing was kind of hard. It's nothing. Really."

"Awww. Hawkeye." She caressed his cheek, her touch gentler than ever. "My poor little thing. You're safe now."

"Better than safe." His smile, as always, brightened the whole room, or a tent to be exact. She snuggled closer to him, pressing a kiss on his cheek. He could use a little nurturing.

"Hawkeye, Colonel Potter told me about your reluctance to fire a weapon." She knew she was stepping on a dangerous ground.

"I am a doctor, Claudia! Not a soldier. If I wasn't drafted, I'd never touch a war."

"So you wouldn't shoot a gun even if it meant you're come back to me?" He turned to look at her, ready to respond, but when he saw her sad expression, his voice failed him. He took a deep breath and then spoke.

"Oh- and if you think it'd make so much difference you obviously didn't see me aim at anything."

"This is not a joke, Hawkeye. I admire your convictions and I agree with a lot of them, but please consider this is a damn bloody war! In the beginning of the war, when the fighting was too intense, the personnel of aid stations had to abandon their wounded. If they didn't, they were shot execution-style alongside with them. These are the choices some had to make. And if they stayed, they didn't get the chance to operate on others that needed them."

"I understand what you're trying to do, Claudia. Let me off the hook, please."

"Just think about it, please. You're too cute to die early."

A knock on the door interrupted the moment and helped Hawkeye out of this conversation. It was Radar who informed them Hawkeye's needed in Post-Op.

* * *

Claudia went back to bed after Hawkeye left, because she felt increasingly weak. There was some loud commotion outside, but she wasn't in the mood to check out what was happening. She'll ask Hawkeye when he comes to visit again.

Major Burns came in to complain about Hawkeye's non-military behavior and was genuinely disappointed she was not going to do anything. What was he thinking she was going to do? Confine Hawkeye to bed because he made a face at him? Well, she could confine him to her bed and that would be fun, but then they needed him up and about operating. Maybe Frank found out Margaret wants Hawkeye to operate on her and tried to sabotage it. Who knows?

She got another visitor about an hour after Ferret Face and it was Father Mulcahy who came to check up on her. He mentioned to her that Colonel's horse was sick and Hawkeye and BJ were trying to help. That was probably the fuss she heard earlier. The good Father also asked for help in writing a letter to the family of Corporal Fuchs who was in Post-Op for a week now. He was still unconscious for now and Father wanted to let the relatives know that the Corporal was alive. Fuchs' parents were both doctors and so he asked Claudia to add a few sentences about the medical condition of their son. She was the one who operated on him, so it made sense to ask her.

Possibly the shortest of visits was when Klinger stopped by, trying to convince Claudia he was too depressed to stay in the army. She told him that first, she wasn't buying it, and second, only Colonel Potter could send him home. So he gave her a tired salute and went away. After that, she finally locked her door and tried to get some sleep.

She was awaken some ten hours later, which must have been a record during this war, by someone trying to get into her tent.

"Who is it, for crying out loud?" Claudia shouted.

"The prince of your dreams."

She recognized the voice immediately, getting up to unlock the door. Hawkeye greeted her with a big smile and a light kiss on her cheek.

"Hi, Hawkeye. I heard you're thinking of changing your specialty."

"Huh?" His face twisted into a confused look, so Claudia felt obliged to clarify.

"To a veterinarian." Claudia slowly walked towards her cot and sat down. She still wasn't feeling 100%.

"Oh, yeah." Hawkeye said, finally understanding she was talking about the horse. "Well, I go where I'm needed." He shrugged, sitting down on a chair.

"Then don't go anywhere. You're needed here." Claudia said, offering him a drink. "You look tired."

"Yes. I had to get up at three to take out Margaret's appendix. And I finished work at midnight." He explained, not realizing where the conversation would go from there.

"So you finally got your hands on her, huh?" Claudia crossed her arms on her chest, staring at Hawkeye daringly.

"Oh, look who's jealous."

"Should I be, Mister Skillful Fingers?"

"Oh no, those fingers are just for you, Ma'am." He ran his fingers through her hair, turning her head towards his and kissing her roughly. "I missed kissing you."

"You kissed me yesterday."

"That's what I mean. It's been so long." He pressed himself against her again, his lips searching hers. Their lips crashed together with incredible passion, leaving both of them gasping for air and trembling with desire.

His tongue pushed her mouth open and she gave in his advances, letting him explore her. When he slowly ran his tongue along her bottom lip, she audibly moaned, her chest heaving. He liked hearing her enjoy his actions like that, so he let his lips slip down to her neck. He felt her hands slid under his shirt and ran up his back, stroking the skin lightly. Her breathing was irregular and frantic, coming out in loud gasp, as their bodies touched.

"Mmmm…" She was relishing in the feeling of his lips nibbling on her neck, when someone knocked on the door of her tent.

"No, no…" Hawkeye mumbled, not wanting to stop. Claudia disentangled herself from him and asked who it is.

"Sorry to bother you, Claudia." They could both clearly hear it was Colonel Potter's voice.

Hawkeye leaned back into the chair, letting her out of his arms with feeling of great annoyance. Claudia walked towards the door, fixing the state of her robe before opening.

"Yes, Colonel?" Hawkeye observed Claudia talking to the Colonel, the way she gestured wildly with her soft hands whose touch drove Hawkeye crazy every time and how her pink velvet lips moved when she talked. He sighed quietly, trying not to draw attention to himself and watched as Claudia accepted a package from the Colonel, then thanked him and closed the door again.

"So?" Hawkeye quickly stood up and moved to sit on the bed, so he was still facing Claudia. His eyebrows rose suggestively. "We're alone."

As she rushed to get to him, she put the package on the table and with it she sent all the letters on her table flying to the ground.

"I didn't know they were predicting snow today…" Hawkeye noted as he helped her pick up the letters. Then his eyes landed on a formal-looking letter that he was just holding in his hand. It was out of the envelope already, it seemed to be already read by Claudia and in it he inadvertently noticed the word executed. "What are these, Claudia?"

He took one look at her and knew instantly this was going to be a difficult topic. She suddenly turned paler, her eyes lost that spark they had just a minute ago and her posture got rigid. Putting the other correspondence away, she sat down, avoiding eye contact.

"Did you know the woman that got executed? How many letters like these did you get?" Hawkeye's voice cut like a knife through her. Of course she was aware her life was unusual, to say the least. Not many people were getting letters like this, were being interrogated like this by mail. But not talking about it helped her deny this reality.

"Claudia, tell me." Finally she looked at him, seeing how distressed this situation made him feel. She didn't tell anyone due to the same reason she didn't share many dire details about her life – she didn't want to shower people with another layer of sadness when this place offered so much of it already. But Hawkeye got close to her, too close to fall for her false happiness.

"Yes, I did know her. The US government requests additional information about the situation back home – the people, their connections to each other and so on. Sometimes they need help with a translation…" Her voice was raspy, far from her normal sing-songy tone. She paused to take a breath, but found it difficult to start speaking again. He grasped her hands in what he hoped was reassuring manner, stroking them gently.

"The woman that got executed, I mean it happened in June 1950, it takes a while for news to filter to me, ehm… she was a lawyer and a politician. During WWII she was a part of an underground resistance movement and got arrested and interrogated by Gestapo. After time in the concentration camp Terezín and various other prisons, she got liberated by the US forces. She was elected into the office and after the Communist Coup in 1948. Unlike my father, she chose not to emigrate."

Claudia did not resist when Hawkeye pulled her from the chair into his lap. He pressed a light on her cheek, noticing a few tears making their way down there. He knew his actions would probably make her stop talking, but he just could not stand how lost she looked. Adjusting his hands, he hugged her closer, with her side against his body. She fidgeted a little to find a more comfortable position and then settled. There was eerie silence.

"Did you know her?" Hawkeye asked finally.

"Not really. My father did. I mean Czechoslovakia is a small country. Its area is something like Mississippi, so everyone in politics and diplomacy knew each other. Still, the people who knew her helped sentence her to death in a mock trial orchestrated by Soviet Union _advisors_." She spat out the last word with hate. "Even petitions from Einstein, Churchill or Eleanor Roosevelt didn't save her." Tears were freely streaming down her face now, dripping onto her clothes. She continued, sharp intakes of breath often interrupting her speech. "Hanging isn't a good way to go. Especially how they did it then at Pankrác prison." She spoke so quietly now, he almost couldn't hear her. "It took thirteen minutes for her to die."

Hawkeye was struck by the strength Claudia exuded, even in a situation like this. He wondered how many horror stories she lived through and heard about. Somehow he was sure he only got to see the tip of the iceberg of the awfulness of the shadows she had to live with.


	28. Danger Ahead!

**Thanks to Jess for another review. **

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to **_**the Exorcism and the book MASH FAQ by Dale Sherman**_**.**

**Please review. **

Claudia's night shift on Thursday was one of the busiest she experienced at 4077. She stitched up three cuts, bandaged two broken limbs and got rid of one appendix. And that was just in the first half of her shift. It seemed everyone was having accidents in Korea.

She was absolutely groggy after BJ came to relieve her. There weren't many serious cases, only two needed to be discussed before handing the work over, both of them stomach wounds. After that, Claudia had a quick shower and went to get some sleep.

She woke up around 2pm, hungry as hell, but still pretty tired. She unpacked Colonel Potter's gift and took one of the pills. It was amazingly convenient that someone went to Tokyo around the same time she needed another batch of medicine that was not available at MASH. Thanks heaven! Otherwise it would have gotten terrible for her.

The mess tent was pretty packed, but there was some space left between Hawkeye and Colonel Potter, so she squeezed in there.

"Heard you had a busy night." Colonel Potter said to Claudia.

"Yeah, unfortunately not in the way I wanted." Claudia admitted and then continued. "It was like I treated everyone in Korea, but thankfully nothing too serious. How's the food today?"

"Inedible as always." Hawkeye offered a description.

"Good. I hate change." Claudia smiled at him, chewing on some toast. "Hi, Frank, did you come to sit on my lap? It's the only free place left in this tent."

"May I volunteer?" Hawkeye quickly declared, not even letting Frank answer. Swiftly grabbing Claudia's hand he stared into her eyes for a second, before the conversation went on.

"You are officers, you should behave appropriately." His voice as annoying as always, sounded throughout the tent. Why was he speaking so loud, anyway?

"And you're married and should behave appropriately." Claudia said quietly while rolling her eyes. It earned her shocking looks from everyone. Apparently people didn't speak so directly about that stuff here.

Frank ignored Claudia's remark and turned to Colonel Potter. "Colonel, there is an old Korean hustler selling junk from a pushcart like we are some shopping center."

"Thank you for informing me. I'll deal with it." The Colonel said, still fighting a little smile after what Claudia said. Taking his empty tray, he rose to his feet and left. Frank sat in his place and began to eat, trying too hard to focus only on his meal. Claudia and Hawkeye shared an amused look.

"I gotta go. I'll see you later." Hawkeye said and quickly disappeared. Claudia found it odd, but just shrugged and went back to eating. She was starving and she wanted to check on a few of her patients before the planned meeting in Colonel Potter's office.

On the way to Post-Op, she bumped into Radar who was holding onto the Spirit Post that locals made to scare away bad spirits or something. "Aww, Radar, don't hug the Spirit Post and find a nice lady."

"Oh no, I am just moving it, ma'am. It was blocking traffic. And- "

When he stopped talking and just listened for something, Claudia thought she knew what it meant, but still, she asked. "What is it, Radar?"

"Choppers, ma'am. And ambulances, too."

"Well, of course." Claudia ran towards the helipad and started triage there. Two soldiers with bad head wounds needed to go first, others could wait. She jumped on the jeep, accompanying one of the wounded to the Pre-Op where Colonel Potter was already getting dressed for the OR. She told him about the two serious cases and he said he'd start on one of them immediately.

All the other doctors arrived right after that, getting dressed for the show as well. She noticed Klinger doing his round with a ladder, changing lightbulbs that were popping all around the camp. Then a patient in the Pre-Op stopped breathing and she was called over there.

When she finally took care of everything in Pre-Op, the work in OR was in full swing. Frank was clipping Margaret fingers in surgical clamps every chance he got and lightbulbs were still exploding all over the place. BJ was reunited with a patient he operated on a few months ago, who was shot again – and in the same foot. Thankfully the injury wasn't too bad.

Margaret got even with Frank and sprayed him with saline. She loudly claimed it was an accident, but somehow that didn't matter. Father Mulcahy bumped into a tray of instruments and it tumbled onto the floor. And then to top it off, all lights stopped functioning.

"Oh, come on." Claudia sighed. "I can operate in bad conditions, but not blind. I mean I think I finished the operation, but right now I cannot even see the patient."

"What do you expect on Friday 13th?" Klinger joined the conversation, repairing another light.

"Klinger, that doesn't mean anything. I was born on Friday 13th and my light started working first. Get another patient here, please, Corporal."

"You were born on Friday 13th?" Frank spoke up his voice sounding with alarm.

"Yes, Major. Am I scaring you?" Claudia said provocatively, laughing.

* * *

Since the chipped beef that was intended for 4077 was blown up, Igor had to improvise. His heart wasn't really in it, because his losses in poker were dragging him down a bit. He burned almost all of the food, so for a while all that was ready was some toast. Instead of lunch, Claudia visited the Swamp and drank some of their poison.

"Want another one?" BJ offered, holding the bottle of clear liquid.

"Ok, let's properly celebrate that we don't have to eat lunch today." Claudia accepted, lifting her glass up and watching it being filled.

"And you, Hawk?"

"No, thanks, Beej. I have a patient waiting." Hawkeye explained.

"How's the Korean man doing?" Claudia asked.

"Radar drove with the granddaughter to find a priestess to exorcise the spirits so he would consent to the operation." Hawkeye was looking out of the tent, hoping it wouldn't take too long.

"Is he stable enough?" BJ wanted to know.

"Yes, but not for long." Hawkeye's voice was sad or tired, or maybe both, Claudia couldn't tell. She got up and walked towards where Hawkeye. She wanted to comfort him, but he ran out of the tent before she could do that. A jeep was arriving into the compound, driven by Radar.

Claudia watched the exorcism for a while, but soon headed to her tent. On the way there, she was stopped by Klinger, who ripped four nylons in a single week and needed another pair. He promised Claudia to buy her another one next time he would go on leave. She told him not to worry about it. Their discussion was interrupted by the PA system announcing that hill 205 had been overrun and that the camp should prepare for incoming casualties.

That particular session was 27 hours long and the wounded were mostly youngsters. Hawkeye called them babies more than once, that's how young they were. Claudia was the first one to leave OR, which didn't happen often, but the last case was so easy se could do it in her sleep. And she refused the last break because they were so close to the end, so fair's fair.

She met with Colonel Potter in the scrub room. He was washing his hands and then he proceeded to get rid of the surgical white he was wearing.

"You also finished?" He asked when he noticed Claudia enter.

"I am also finished." She agreed, but then saw his look. "I am fine." She added with a chuckle, walking to the sink and turning the water on.

"I was not particularly satisfied with the results of your physical exam, Claudia."

She stopped the water and then turned towards him. "Then get used to it."

"Claudia, I …" The Colonel sighed.

"Talking about it won't change the outcome, sir."

She walked out of the building after saying that, she was too tired to argue. She had just about enough strength left for a quick shower and the way back to her tent.

Hawkeye later came to give her a kiss before she went to bed. Apparently he also came to ignore questions about whether he had any more bad dreams, which probably would have made her angry, had she had the energy. He confessed them to her a few days before, but desperately avoided the topic ever since.

* * *

Claudia was awakened by the shelling around three thirty in the morning. The movement outside told her that she wasn't the only who abandoned the land of dreams because of the noise. She took a few deep breaths before getting up, then stretched her limbs a little and put her uniform on. She swallowed her medicine and drank a cup of water before making a tight braid out of her hair to keep them in place. She inspected her look quickly, fasten her belt and ran out of her tent, putting her jacket on at the same time.

It seemed that everyone gathered in the mess tent, already holding or waiting for a cup of substandard coffee. Claudia joined Colonel Potter, the Swamp inhabitants and Margaret at the table and soon thereafter Father Mulcahy sat down next to her.

"Well, my distinguished guests, I didn't expect to see you again so soon." Claudia said, seemingly lost deep in thought. Everyone mumbled their greetings in return.

"It doesn't seem to be easing I the slightest. They'd been shelling us like that from around midnight." Colonel Potter was worried.

"What did headquarters say?" Major Houllihan asked the commanding officer, and then thanked for the refill Radar offered.

"We are ordered to sit tight, Major. More information will be available in a few hours."

"Let's hope we will be available in a few hours to hear them." Hawkeye said with a smirk and changed seats with BJ to be next to Claudia. Then he swung a hand around her shoulders and brought her closer to him. "What is a girl like you doing in a war like this?"

"Good question, honey." She pulled back a little and stared him down, noticing how tired he still looked. "Have you slept at all?"

"Couldn't really. We have noisy neighbors."

Claudia snuggled into the soft robe that loosely hung from Hawkeye's shoulders, wanting to provide some comfort. She could feel him hugging her tighter. A smile showed on her face.

"So, what should we do when everyone's up? Poker in the Swamp?" BJ suggested, earning him a low growl from Hawkeye who enjoyed himself just holding Claudia like that.

"Colonel?" Claudia's voice was full of determination. "As much as I hope the fighting will move away, it wouldn't hurt to be prepared for evac."

"Oh, come on. Let's have some fun… " Hawkeye's proposed, leading many to speculate what exactly he meant.

"Colonel! Our boys will beat those Commies back!" Frank was the voice of unreason as always.

"I don't propose we pack up everything on the off chance we'll have to shove off. But we can take care of the supply tent and personal belongings, which wouldn't hinder preparedness of this unit, but would make a difference if we had to bug out." Claudia explained her plan.

Colonel Potter reluctantly agreed with Claudia. And his reluctance was due to him being regular army rather than thinking what she was saying didn't make sense. Everyone except the Colonel and Radar, who were the connection to the outside world, were to pack their things and then wait for orders. Claudia was the one to deliver them.

The shelling was getting closer, no two ways about it. Claudia sent all the doctors to Post-Op with a few enlisted to help take care of the wounded and do whatever they could to secure the building. Mattresses were appearing everywhere, blankets were being used to cover the windows and patients were being examined to determine whether they could be moved if necessary.

The nurses were in charge of organizing the material in the supply tent. Igor and Klinger made sure there was enough coffee for everyone and prepared food that had to be eaten the soonest or that would be difficult to move during a bug out. They got a few shipments in improvised containers and those would probably be lost during an evacuation.

Actually, it was the nurses who were done first. Claudia sent them to get something to eat, because Margaret didn't let them have refreshments as they work. She went to check up on the state of the supply tent, trying to figure out the volume of the supplies and how much room it would take up during a move. She was almost done, when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Well, aren't you a hard worker, sweetheart." She turned around and saw Hawkeye standing there, with a tray of sandwiches in one hand and two cups in the other.

"Oh, hey. Sweetheart? Really?" Claudia took the cups, because it looked like he was going to drop them any moment now and watched Hawkeye putting down the tray.

"Would you like me to call you saccharine myocardium, then?" He took a few steps closer to her, getting one cup of coffee and taking a long sip. It was so nice to hear Claudia's laugh, somehow it made everything seem bearable.

Hawkeye bent his left hand in elbow, set it up on a high shelf and propped his head up against it, not letting his eyes off Claudia for one second. He studied her face, taking in the color of her eyes and how tired they looked, the way her braid accented the crimson tone of her long hair and how her unbuttoned jacket fluttered around her body. She drank up the coffee in one big gulp and set the cup down on a nearby shelf.

"You need to eat something." He said firmly, noticing she intended to carry on working.

"I am almost finished here, Hawk."

He surged forwards to grab her in his arms and was rewarded with a soft moan filled with satisfaction. He hugged her even tighter, one of his hand travelling up her back to her neck and the other staying around her waist pressing their hips together. He needed to hold her, to feel her chest expanding with each breath, to know she was okay. Ever since the shelling started, he was haunted by massive insecurities in that respect.

She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, her hands roaming over any part of his body she could reach and then their lips reunited for a long passionate kiss.

"Hawkeye... " She whispered, meeting his gaze. There was no space between them at all, that's how tight they were wrapped around each other.

"You deserve a break, it- what is this?" Hawkeye's eyebrows shot up to his hairline and Claudia subsequently felt the grip on her disappear. "You wear a gun on your belt now?"

"That's what the gun belt is for."

"Claudia…" She could hear the disapproval in his voice, even though he did not said anything further. Another explosion could be heard from the north and it made them jump at the sudden roaring noise. But still the atmosphere remained tense.

She quickly crossed the distance he put between them and put her hands gently on his shoulders. Glad that he looked at her, she lightly pressed her lips on his. She kept them there only for a minute, making no effort to deepen this kiss, just running her tongue slowly over his lips and feeling him tremble in her arms.

"Hawkeye, this is war." She said finally, putting an end to their making out.

He inhaled loudly and then slowly let the air out of his lungs. His heart was still racing like he had just ran a marathon and he was hyperventilating, unable to speak. The sensation of her lips on his were unbelievable.

"I am aware that you hate guns, Hawkeye. But I will do everything in my power to protect those close to me. Including you." They were staring right in each other's eyes, holding hands. "Especially you."

He brought her closer for another kiss, but this time it was full of passion and urgent roughness. He felt her hands stroking him under his shirt, trailing along his muscles and outlining his spine. Finally she rested her hands on his behind, cupping it possessively. He froze for a bit, surprised equally by her forwardness and the fierce reaction it provoked in his body.

He recovered, though, gripping the back of her neck and taking control of the scorching kiss. Soon after that they shed their jackets, letting them fall on the floor. She just reached to his belt buckle, when their gasping was mixed with another, terrifying sound.

Claudia dove down on the ground, taking Hawkeye with her as they listened for the sound. They were both still out of breath and the fact Hawkeye was practically lying on top of her really didn't help things. They shared a shocked look and then Hawkeye whispered into her ear.

"Was that gunfire?"


	29. Emotional

**Rated M.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

**The following chapter contains references to **_**the Army-Navy Game (Season 1) and the book MASH FAQ by Dale Sherman**_**.**

**Please review. **

They froze in their tracks, holding their breaths. Claudia pushed Hawkeye off herself and slowly started to get up, when he stopped her.

"Where the hell are you going?"

"To turn off the light." She said with tone that left no space for discussion and threw his hand off her shoulder.

"Good. I don't want you to see me scared." He watched her half-crawl and half-crouch towards the door and followed her example. After he heard the switch flicked, she turned to him again.

"Well, you are really cute when you're scared."

"Then you're about to see me at my cutest, I fear."

She stood up and peeked carefully out the window, taking in the layouts of the camp. Hawkeye stood up right after her, but stayed glued to the wall, just staring at her in total silence. She came back from the window, parking herself next to his body. She grabbed his hand, trying to reassure him.

"What?" He frowned while he spoke as softly as he could. She shot him a confused look. "I can hear you think."

"Yeah." She admitted, exhaling loudly. "Stay here." With that she tiptoed towards the other window and looked out. When she retraced her steps, she bumped into him. "I thought I said stay."

"I am not a dog." Hawkeye protested.

"Of course not. Dog is a man's best friend." Her voice was playful, or to be exact as playful as circumstances permitted.

"So? Hawkeye is a woman's best friend." A smile appeared on her face, but she suppressed the loud chuckle that normally came with it.

"I haven't seen anyone injured outside, so everyone made it inside. But I am worried about the nurses. I told them to get something to eat."

"Why would you do that? That's more dangerous than a sniper." Hawkeye interrupted her possible monologue. She simply ignored him.

"But I don't see anyone in the mess tent, which is good, because that's a dangerous place to be right now. The Colonel and Radar will be in the office, Frank and BJ will be in Post-Op, the enlisted men too, right?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"That's where everyone should be right now. Didn't anyone mention wanting to go someplace else before you went over here? Think, Hawkeye."

"No, I mean, Klinger and Igor just arrived with some sandwiches. A patient wanted his bandage loosened… Nothing special."

They both sat down, close together, with their backs to the wall. Hawkeye snaked his hand around her shoulders, bringing their bodies even closer. He could feel her relax into the contact, letting her head fall on his shoulder and sigh in content. Another two shots cut through the quiet. She pressed herself into his body, needing the sensation to ground her.

The PA system suddenly creaked and came to life. "Everyone stay inside. HQ will send help first thing in the morning. Damn. Stop."

"That's an odd ending to an announcement." Hawkeye noted.

"Something's happening. Check that side, please." Claudia asked and headed towards the exit, wanting to check that direction.

"I see nothing. Do you..? Claudia?"

He heard another set of shots and the PA system starting again. "Kuchio! Kuchio!"

"Huh?" Hawkeye's voice got unnaturally high during that exclamation. He rushed back to where Claudia was previously, but was met with empty space. His heart almost stopped. Where did she go? He felt like the whole world was standing on his chest, preventing him from taking a proper breath. Just as he started panicking, she emerged again in his line of eyesight with a little lifeless body in her arms.

He grabbed the door, opening it for her and swiftly closing it up right after her. After discarding her weapon, she carefully laid the child down. For a moment, she looked into Hawkeye's eyes, noticing where he looked.

"It's not mine." She said about the blood dripping from her uniform. "We need to stop the bleeding, she's losing too much blood."

Hawkeye forced his mind to focus on the wounded child, evaluating the injury and deciding what they need to take care of the case. He took a bottle of alcohol, packages of sterile bandages and sponges from the nearest shelf, putting them down next to their patient. Claudia held her hands up, letting Hawkeye pour alcohol over them and accepted the sponges he handed her afterwards.

"You don't have blood type O, do you?" She asked hopefully.

"Nope. And I guess you don't have it either." Hawkeye said, knowing the answer, even before she shook her head.

"I think I have the bleeding under control for now, but I have to keep my hands here. Will you deal with the chest?"

"Sure." He disinfected his hands and got a retractor out to try to get a better look at the situation. After inspecting the state of the lungs, he moved to the heart, obviously worried. Claudia was with him too many times in OR not to be able to tell when it was serious. But when he lowered the instruments in his hands and reached for the ampule with morphine, that's when it hit her.

"What are you doing?" She didn't need to control her voice because of the sniper, she was barely able to whisper.

"Her lungs are a chopped up mush and the heart is barely there. I am sorry, Claudia."

"NO!" Her eyes watered with tears as he drew the morphine into a syringe. "We can try to irrigate with saline, remove the bullets and wait."

"Claudia, it will just cause her more pain."

"WE CAN'T JUST GIVE UP!" This time she raised her voice in desperation.

"Shush. You're scaring her."

Claudia looked down at the face of the little girl. She was crying, gasping for air and staring alternately at her and Hawkeye. Her short black hair were sticking together by dried blood and her kind brown eyes were barely opened. Claudia crawled towards the jacket she dropped on the floor earlier on, bunched it up and gingerly slid it under the girl's head.

"Everything's ok. Don't be scared. Ssssh." Claudia was lightly caressing her cheek, comforting the child. The Korean girl stirred a bit when Hawkeye injected her with morphine. "No, no. It's fine."

Hawkeye disposed of the syringe, cleaning the blood-soaked material that was on the floor as well. Then he sat down and listened to Claudia quietly singing to the girl in her arms. He didn't recognize the language, it probably was her mother tongue, but it sounded beautiful.

It was obvious how hard it was for Claudia to prevent the tears in her eyes from falling, and it was breaking his heart. Claudia has gone quiet after a while, pressing her fingers to the young girl throat in search for a pulse. When she failed to find one, she caringly lifted the small arms and crossed them over the girl's chest. Then Claudia's fingers lightly pressed down the girl's eyelids, letting her finally rest in peace.

"Claudia?" Hawkeye tried to capture her attention. After about thirty seconds, she looked away from the dead body and slowly shifted her gaze towards him. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, falling from her jaw down on her t-shirt where it diluted the bloody stain. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Hawkeye took her hand and led her to the shelf, then poured alcohol over her hands. Most of it ended in a bed pan he positioned under her hands, but a few drops landed on the floor. He handed her a towel and then got a sheet to cover the little girl's body.

Trying to forget, they retreated to the other side of the tent, taking a few blankets and the food and drinks with them. Hawkeye blacked out all the windows and then sat next to Claudia, taking her into his arms. The warm embrace made her eyes flutter open.

"I thought you were dead when you ran off out there." Hawkeye confessed, running his hand up and down her back. He planted a soft kiss in her hair and inhaled her scent, glad he finally smelled something other than disinfection and blood.

"She wasn't more than six years old, Hawkeye."

He started gently rocking them like a baby, holding her close. Her lithe body started trembling in a way that revealed she was crying. "Yeah, I know, Claudia. I know. But you provided her comfort in her final moments. You didn't let her die alone, outside on a dusty road."

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing any good." She admitted her doubts.

"Claudia, look at me. Claudia?" She hesitated, but in the end complied. She met his amazing blue eyes that stared kindly at her as he lightly stroked her cheek. "I promise you, you are."

Another bomb shook the ground and they both jumped up a little while staying closely intertwined.

"Wow - that was close! For a moment there I thought we are going to have interchangeable parts." Hawkeye let out the breath he didn't know he was holding and looked over Claudia's body to make sure she wasn't hurt. He knew he'd certainly noticed if some fragments made it inside, but somehow that wasn't enough. He needed to be absolutely sure that Claudia was okay.

He needed to put her hands on her head, caressing her, lightly letting them slip onto her shoulders and then continue stroking her sides before wrapping his hands around her waist. She whimpered in enjoyment as their bodies collided, her lips searching his. He was happy to oblige, pressing them lightly to hers, teasing her with his tongue.

She was arching her body into his, gripping back at his body in fiery lust. Finally she let herself sink down onto the army blanket they laid out, impatiently pulling him down on top of her. They stopped the kissing only to draw short breaths and then instantly resumed it again. It was like they both yearned for reassurance that someone was left in the world who actually cared.

Hawkeye lifted himself off her body and slid his hand under the fabric of her shirt, running his fingers slowly across her flat stomach. She closed her eyes to concentrate properly on his touch, little squeaks echoing around. Hawkeye grinned against her lips, proud of how quickly was Claudia coming apart because of his actions.

He wasn't able to control himself any more than she was. His brain was refusing to move to separate their lips, even though his head was spinning due to the lack of oxygen. In the end it was Claudia who twisted her hands in his hair and pushed him a few inches away so both could take a breath. They were both gasping furiously, trying to catch a breath while lovingly staring into each other's eyes.

"Oh Claudia." He whispered, pressing a little kiss to her forehead. "My Claudia."

It took a while until they got their breathing under control, but then Hawkeye noticed the remnants of tears on Claudia's face and it really threw him off. With the tip of his fingers, he gently traced the now drying river that once flowed down her cheeks. It was tempting to ignore it, but somehow he couldn't. As much he was attracting to her, as much as his whole being was screaming for him to continue, the attraction got overridden by how much he adored her.

She couldn't help but notice the change in his behavior and an inquiring look appeared on her face, focused on him. He suddenly looked sadder, enveloped in deep thought as he laid down next to her on his side, watching her. She frowned, baffled by this. "What is it, Hawkeye?"

"I just… When I saw the evidence of the tears you cried only a few minutes ago, I realized you need a friend much more than a lover right now."

"What I need is you, Hawkeye." Claudia sat up quickly to be able to see him better, before continuing. He was now lying flat on his back, following her eyes with his. His dark hair were a mess, sticking into all directions after their passionate embrace. "Doesn't matter how you want to call yourself."

She started tracing his lips with her forefinger and watch them twist into a smile. Hers followed the example, slowly whispering his name. Another shell went off nearby and it temporarily disrupted the romantic feel of the atmosphere. Hawkeye quickly covered Claudia with his own body, pressing her into the floor. A cloud of dust dropped from the ceiling covering everything in sight.

"You okay?" Hawkeye asked, lifting himself up. Claudia turned to him, nodding and giving his body the once-over. Thankfully he appeared to be unharmed as well. Then they both sat up, staying as close together as they possible could during the movement. Shaking with fear, they hugged each other tightly, her hands in his hair and his around her waist.

"OK. We're okay, Hawkeye." Claudia said quietly under her breath. She knew the situation just worsened drastically, because the last attack came from the other direction. They were being bombarded from both sides now. But she didn't want to draw attention to that, there was nothing they could do about it anyway. "Hey, you're a little dusty." She began brushing the dust off with her hands, first from his hair and arms, then from his torso and legs. Then she tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear and leaned forward to kiss him. When she was about to pull away, he cupped her cheek and tenderly held her in place, prolonging the kiss.

His lips tasted sweet, like a strong herbal liqueur and were moving slowly against hers, not rushing anywhere. He obviously wanted to savor every sensation of her skin against his, every kiss and every caress. He wanted to remember exactly how she tasted, how her muscles flexed when she gripped him and held him close, how she moaned into the kisses they shared when it all became too much. He wanted to learn by heart all of the places she liked to have teased, her likes and dislikes, all the little sounds she made during love-making.

His heart made a few somersaults when he pulled her on his lap and she sat astride him with enthusiasm, cuddling up close. He leaned back against the wall, watching her face. Her pupils were dilated so much he barely saw any blue, and they were aiming straight at him, drinking in his image. He bent forwards and captured her lips again. His hands slid to her behind, pressing her down onto him roughly.

She tore off her lips from his and threw her head back, moaning loudly. He turned his attention to her exposed neck, sucking greedily at the sensitive skin, his teeth every now and then nibbling at her ear. In response she started rocking her hips back and forth, grinding them against him, the sweet friction driving them both insane.

Suddenly her hands flew to his belt, and as she was unbuckling it, he closed his eyes and hold his breath. He wanted her so badly, it practically hurt. Her finely sculpted body was the ultimate distraction from the hell they'd been thrown in. Every one of their moves was fast, fevered and forceful. In all of his escapades, Hawkeye had never felt so close to someone.

After lowering his trousers and shorts just as little as was needed, she teased him with her hand, making his hips involuntarily jerk upwards with every torturously slow stroke. At the same time her lips never left his. It was so maddening Hawkeye worried he would go off in seconds if it continued. He therefore seized the offending hand, putting in on his shoulder and earning a baffled look from her. But she understood in a minute, seeing how worked up he was.

He ran his hands up and down the shape of her body, feeling every inch of her curves over her fatigues, squeezing and stroking her urgently. Claudia was incredibly responsive, moaning seductively into his ear and thrusting to meet his touch. Sometimes in between all of this, Hawkeye finally managed to get rid of her belt and unzip her trousers. Spreading her legs wider, Claudia granted his hand access and cried out when he began teasing her.

He immensely enjoyed watching her writhing over his lap, feeling the vibrations her body was producing as she was closer and closer. In the end she slapped his hands away in order to be able to wiggle out of at least one leg of her trousers.

Their union was intense, sending waves of heat and pleasure through both of their bodies. While moving up and down, Claudia sometimes drove his back quiet aggressively to the wall, scraping it a bit, but in the heat of the moment, he couldn't care less. His hips were periodically thrusting upwards, meeting hers in a frenzied effort to get to the finish line.

When her body began to body began to twitch and convulse, her eyelids became too heavy to stay up and she collapsed on him as a shivering mess, moaning loudly in his ear, he felt his own orgasm arrive. The sight of pure bliss written across her face combined with the sensations of her body against his would be too much for anyone.

After they completely shattered in each other's arms, they spent what seemed like eternity just lying still on the scratchy military blankets, their bodies still intertwined. It was like their two individual bodies just melted together, not ever wanting to be separated again.

"Mmmm….Claudia." Hawkeye started running his hands up and down her back, drawing circles and other shapes with his fingers. He even wrote his name once, all satisfied and happy. His whole body was still pulsating with need, he needed to be close to her, to hold her and never let go.

He looked at her face, planning on kissing her again, but what he saw stopped him in his tracks. She was crying. "Claudia, what happened? Did I hurt you?" He asked, worried about the answer.

"No, sweetie, you didn't." She shook her head decisively, swiping away the tears with the back of her hand. "There is something I need to tell you."


	30. Good and Bad

**Hello, the next chapter is a little shorter than usual, but I didn't want to leave you hanging after the cliffhanger. Also some of the characters are being difficult.**

**Please review and make me happy.**

**If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

They stared at each other for a while, sitting inches apart. Hawkeye was still leaning against the wall of the supply tent, looking positively cute with his messy hair and disordered clothing. Claudia was sitting to the left, hugging her knees tightly. He was waiting for her to start talking, but she was just biting her lip, obviously not sure what to say. Just her posture conveyed a lot of emotions, but Hawkeye was too distraught to identify them correctly.

"Okay. Just remember that I really like you, Hawkeye, and that we need to stay here in this tent, laying low. So no matter how angry I might make you, don't try to storm off, don't shout or whatever."

"Claudia, you're making me very nervous. Just spit it out already!"

She hesitantly took a deep breath. "Sorry. Alright. Here it is." The atmosphere was already quite eerie as they were sitting in a dark tent in middle of a bloody conflict and anytime there could be a sniper coming in, trying to earn his pay. But with changing the topic of conversation, it changed to more gloomy as well. She gently took his hands into hers and sighed, gathering her strength to force the words out. "Hawkeye, I'm dying."

For a moment she thought he didn't hear her, but the look on his face told her otherwise. He tightened his grip on her hands, and then he raised them and pressed his lips to them tenderly. He spoke so quietly, Claudia almost didn't notice his words. "W-what? How do you-? What?"

She wrapped her hands around him, bringing him close enough for her to sense his pulse sped up.

"I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I just couldn't."

Her eyes dropped to the floor, realizing she lacked the words to express herself clearly or better yet, to somehow help Hawkeye though the emotional turmoil he must have been going through. She felt useless. Right at that moment she hated herself. This is exactly why she planned on never getting close to anyone, because then she wouldn't have had the obligation to tell people and she wouldn't have had to see people who meant the world to her so broken and lost.

She expected despair, disbelief or maybe even anger, but not whatever this was. She had never seen him so quiet in like… well, ever. He always had to have the last word, usually couple of passive-aggressive ones that highlighted incompetence and injustice. His comments on the awfulness of reality was his way of coping with it. Seemingly he was not ready to deal with this. Cursing herself for being so selfish, she ran her hand through his hair and swung her other arm around his neck, hoping to wake some of Hawkeye's endorphins through the contact.

Sweat from their previous exercise session dampened his hair to such extent, it hid the grey hairs that were sneaking in with age. She couldn't help but notice his momentary detachment. He wasn't leaning in as usual, pressing himself against her, nor was he pushing her away. Suddenly he moved a little, pulling away just so he was able to see her face.

"How?"

"Cancer. End Stage."

His fingers lightly touched her jaw as their eyes met and she saw he was tearing up a little. His gorgeous blue eyes were swimming in a sea of tears that threatened to spill and start to run down his cheeks.

"But there are experimental treatments you can try and with your connections getting to them should be easy. Claudia, you can't give up."

"I thought you were the expert on deciding when it's futile to heal."

She regretted what she said even before she could see his sad eyes flash with anger. For some reason her stupid mouth seemed to have a mind on her own at the moment, and that mind was determined to inflict pain. Maybe it was a sick sense of pride, because he was questioning her ability to make an informed decision about a medical issue, even if it was out of love. Wait, what? Love? She surprised herself by thinking that word. They were getting closer with each day, but… now was not the time to ponder anyway.

"I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I shouldn't have said that and I didn't even mean it. I just… It's all too much."

He nodded slightly, still tracing the lines of her face with his fingers and sensing her rapid shallow breathing. Slowly leaning towards her, he prepared to taste her lips again. As always she tasted exquisite, instantly waking up his libido. He came on a little stronger, tipping her head back a little and letting his hands wander around her body. He closed his eyes in relish, trying to get lost in the moment. It didn't go particularly well, because his mind kept thinking of the news she delivered him.

"I wished you would have told me before, so yes, I am pretty upset, but I don't want to waste one minute I can spend with you."

"Hawkeye?" She fixed her eyes on his. "Thank you."

He smiled, and then crawled towards where they left the sandwiches, bringing them over. He also carried a bottle of something to drink.

"Where did you get that?" Claudia inquired with an amazed look. Hawkeye handed her one half of a sandwich and she thanked him, still curious though. "And what is it?"

"Gin. Trapper and I always used to hide some of it here, so it sort of stuck with me."

"You miss him, don't you?"

"Apparently more than he misses me."

"Don't suppose that, you don't know what happened. You are kinda hard not to miss, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye shrugged and started eating, thankful he brought the sandwiches for Claudia in the first place. At least they weren't starving during the night. He knew Claudia was watching him closely, trying to guess what he was thinking, he was able to feel her piercing eyes digging into him. He looked up to meet her eyes as she tried the gin for the first time.

"So, here we are." Hawkeye was chewing the last mouthful of his meal, pausing only to talk. "Pinned down by enemy fire, out of bullets, out of food. The immediate help we requested will arrive in, like, fifteen hours."

"I hate to just sit and wait."

"Wanna play doctor again?"

Her smile was so beautiful, Hawkeye got lost in it for a few seconds, but it disappeared rather quickly.

"Do you think the little girl had a family nearby?" She asked, changing the subject all of a sudden.

"I don't know, Claudia." Hawkeye answered, obviously startled by the question.

"How do you do it?" Claudia brushed a few crumbs off her shirt and took a sip from the bottle.

"What do you mean?"

She made a slightly disgusted face after swallowing the strong liquor, then sighed and passed it over to him. "How do you keep going after everything you've seen here?" Her blue eyes seemed tired, pointing at him sadly, searching for an answer.

"I have seen my fair share of dreadful things, yes. But I also laid my eyes on you."

"I am serious, Hawkeye."

"But I am too. There's good and bad. For every hundred or so of maimed shot up bodies, you get to save a life of an underdeveloped infant or an orphan who fell down. It's not much, but it's enough to think '_I am doing something that makes a difference'_."


End file.
